Facing your Fears

Today I am 43. I do not feel old or sad or anxious about aging for the most part. I am somewhat relieved. First and foremost 43 is an odd number ("Hallelujah" as little F would say) and secondly, I may be finally evolving. I will be completely honest. Moving has been brutally hard for me, much harder than I had imagined. Maybe part of the problem is that I did not try to imagine it. I was tired of my job, tired of the schlepping on the subway, of working at night.... ready for a change. How could I pursue a nursing degree while sending five kids to a private school and live in Manhattan? I came to Newton and it was desolate. Everyone was on vacation. We lived on a ghost street and F was in NY for a week finishing his previous job. I started to have to drive everywhere. Yuck. I joined the JCC and everyone was rich and spoke Hebrew. Yuck. From living amongst all African Americans I went to celebrate the days I could spot one. I had a bad attitude. I cried. I was not going to be able to sleep listening to fucking crickets. Why were people here so unfriendly? Turns out that is their resting face- they are not actually being actively unfriendly- I think. Why were they almost all deranged sports fans? That one I cannot answer.  I have always been uber aware of working to not come off as a snob. Argentines all think they are superior, I do not want to be like that. Private school people have the same complex- not me, I would be down to earth. I got here, where they actively (almost unbeknownst to NY) compete with my hometown and I am the worst snob. Fuck Boston. I am a New Yorker. Forever. This sentiment, while true, would not help me. I realized after reading an article that my former head of school sent me that I was in mourning. Mourning the person I used to be. Who the hell was I? Not a Spanish teacher after twenty years of being one. Not a New Yorker, at least not on a daily basis (but always in my heart). Nobody knew me or needed me like in the old iteration of myself where I organized, connected, and helped at all the institutions I was affiliated with. I was not even a nursing student. Even though I was 10-20 years older than my BMCC classmates, at least I had them. I spent the fall taking microbiology online and preparing for the GREs. Mostly I spent them thinking about my old school/job and going to farms with little F. He was sad. He missed BT and L and had to get used to being with me and in the car. All. The. Time. I knew one very nice woman from grad school- she has her own life. That was it. While F went to a wonderful job and began another part of his career, the kids began school. We knew nobody and had nobody to help us. I went to the elementary and middle schools and could not help compare them to the one in NY. Apples and oranges. Private versus public. I did not know a single parent or teacher or rule after having known them all, always. I ramble and digress. Every trip back to NY has been hard and wonderful and great and sad. I no longer belong to the school. I have wonderful friends and colleagues and they tell me how much they miss me and this warms my heart. But then I remember Newton, the suburb where I live. I began to go the JCC religiously in September for the free child care (I have yet to lose a pound or an inch). I go to the library many times per week. F and I food shop and nap together. My best friend is two. He is a funny and smart two but still a two-year old. We talk about snacks and cows, chickens and tv, ee-i-ee-i-oh and caca. He eventually stops crying when F goes to work and the kids to school. Recently I decided to try to surrender a little more. I invited a mother from the JCC for a playdate. She is a nurse! She has a hard and also lonely life even though she is from here. I had previously read her as cold- I was wrong. I finished my BC application weeks ago and now I wait. Vulnerable and unsure if they will take me. If I do not become a nursing student, what will I be? I think for now I will focus on being a good mother and wife and a better version of myself if possible. I want to enjoy this finite time at home that I never had or will have with a child again. I want to acknowledge that I am fortunate and have no real problems. I want to hope that being scared and untethered will make me stronger. I want to be brave. I hold on to the new/good parts. I already have so many good/old parts- amazing siblings, parents, friends. The new: Zumba Gold and POUND with Ketty- the kindest woman I have met here. Fun and fit she is a woman in her 50s who hugs me and invites me to her house because she remembers being new here. The library- huge and amazing- we go there every week and take out books, movies puzzles, and even instruments! Five children who have had a relatively easy transition to public school and a new life despite it all. A partner who supports me literally and figuratively (the former irks me but I breathe and try to accept it). A new friend? The chance to start a new career at 43?! Not many people get that. I do not want to be from here but I will work to do a good job being here. May 43 to 44 allow me to grow and accept.

NEWYork to NEWton... Oy

There are too many things to express in a simple blog post but suffice it to say that we have been turned upside down and inside out as the song says. We are no longer in NY. What we thought could happen for a long time and then were sure would not happen... did. F got a fabulous job in Boston at a wonderful non-profit and we took the leap. I left my job of 19 years, the only profession I have ever known, and told the kids.. we are moving! This all happened (the telling to the doing) in under 3 weeks. It was/is intense and harder than I could have imagined both physically, emotionally, financially... you name it. We are still covered in boxes to unpack and furniture to build. I cannot sign kids up for school for another two weeks. When we told A and V (older kids were at camp) V leaned back at one point and said: "It's a lot." I think that summarizes it well. By far one of the largest losses has been L. Not sure how I will function without her, Working full time and studying and tutoring etc with her seems way easier than being unemployed, taking online classes and having to care for all of the children all of the time without another caregiver in sight. We joined the JCC to balance the decades of Episcopal school. Just kidding, we joined because they have a nice outdoor pool and are a five-minute drive away. Oh yes, while I may never have to look for parking and curse again, I will also not be able to avoid DRIVING every day to every place. There is nothing walking distance. It feels like we are on vacation,  but we cannot leave. When we left the pool today, F asked again "¿La casa nueva? No, No me gusta. Yo quiero otra casa." He seems to be having the hardest time of the three kids I have here now. I have my positive days and my not so hot moments. What I need is for this awful summer to end so we can actually start our lives here (school, work, classes). so I can try to establish some kind of routine and be able to make an informed decision about Newton. Don't think I will ever have that roll off my tongue "I'm from Newton. I live in Newton." How about "I am an Argentine New Yorker in Newton for a few years?" I have to get my always growing ass in motion and study for the GREs, write some kick-ass essays, get good recs, do well in two online classes (gulp) and get into BC. All my (aging) eggs are in that one basket. At this time next year, I will have hopefully completed their three-week program that leads into the intense year of nursing school. Help!