Facing your Fears

Today I am 43. I do not feel old or sad or anxious about aging for the most part. I am somewhat relieved. First and foremost 43 is an odd number ("Hallelujah" as little F would say) and secondly, I may be finally evolving. I will be completely honest. Moving has been brutally hard for me, much harder than I had imagined. Maybe part of the problem is that I did not try to imagine it. I was tired of my job, tired of the schlepping on the subway, of working at night.... ready for a change. How could I pursue a nursing degree while sending five kids to a private school and live in Manhattan? I came to Newton and it was desolate. Everyone was on vacation. We lived on a ghost street and F was in NY for a week finishing his previous job. I started to have to drive everywhere. Yuck. I joined the JCC and everyone was rich and spoke Hebrew. Yuck. From living amongst all African Americans I went to celebrate the days I could spot one. I had a bad attitude. I cried. I was not going to be able to sleep listening to fucking crickets. Why were people here so unfriendly? Turns out that is their resting face- they are not actually being actively unfriendly- I think. Why were they almost all deranged sports fans? That one I cannot answer.  I have always been uber aware of working to not come off as a snob. Argentines all think they are superior, I do not want to be like that. Private school people have the same complex- not me, I would be down to earth. I got here, where they actively (almost unbeknownst to NY) compete with my hometown and I am the worst snob. Fuck Boston. I am a New Yorker. Forever. This sentiment, while true, would not help me. I realized after reading an article that my former head of school sent me that I was in mourning. Mourning the person I used to be. Who the hell was I? Not a Spanish teacher after twenty years of being one. Not a New Yorker, at least not on a daily basis (but always in my heart). Nobody knew me or needed me like in the old iteration of myself where I organized, connected, and helped at all the institutions I was affiliated with. I was not even a nursing student. Even though I was 10-20 years older than my BMCC classmates, at least I had them. I spent the fall taking microbiology online and preparing for the GREs. Mostly I spent them thinking about my old school/job and going to farms with little F. He was sad. He missed BT and L and had to get used to being with me and in the car. All. The. Time. I knew one very nice woman from grad school- she has her own life. That was it. While F went to a wonderful job and began another part of his career, the kids began school. We knew nobody and had nobody to help us. I went to the elementary and middle schools and could not help compare them to the one in NY. Apples and oranges. Private versus public. I did not know a single parent or teacher or rule after having known them all, always. I ramble and digress. Every trip back to NY has been hard and wonderful and great and sad. I no longer belong to the school. I have wonderful friends and colleagues and they tell me how much they miss me and this warms my heart. But then I remember Newton, the suburb where I live. I began to go the JCC religiously in September for the free child care (I have yet to lose a pound or an inch). I go to the library many times per week. F and I food shop and nap together. My best friend is two. He is a funny and smart two but still a two-year old. We talk about snacks and cows, chickens and tv, ee-i-ee-i-oh and caca. He eventually stops crying when F goes to work and the kids to school. Recently I decided to try to surrender a little more. I invited a mother from the JCC for a playdate. She is a nurse! She has a hard and also lonely life even though she is from here. I had previously read her as cold- I was wrong. I finished my BC application weeks ago and now I wait. Vulnerable and unsure if they will take me. If I do not become a nursing student, what will I be? I think for now I will focus on being a good mother and wife and a better version of myself if possible. I want to enjoy this finite time at home that I never had or will have with a child again. I want to acknowledge that I am fortunate and have no real problems. I want to hope that being scared and untethered will make me stronger. I want to be brave. I hold on to the new/good parts. I already have so many good/old parts- amazing siblings, parents, friends. The new: Zumba Gold and POUND with Ketty- the kindest woman I have met here. Fun and fit she is a woman in her 50s who hugs me and invites me to her house because she remembers being new here. The library- huge and amazing- we go there every week and take out books, movies puzzles, and even instruments! Five children who have had a relatively easy transition to public school and a new life despite it all. A partner who supports me literally and figuratively (the former irks me but I breathe and try to accept it). A new friend? The chance to start a new career at 43?! Not many people get that. I do not want to be from here but I will work to do a good job being here. May 43 to 44 allow me to grow and accept.

Fefe CAMPEON

Our big ball of love is 2! He will tell you "dos" himself. He held it together quite well on his bday, even if he was clearly saturated by the end as this classic photo indicates. . He loved sitting at the head of the table for his bday snack at BT and emulated Cookie Monster to amuse his friends mini muffin after mini muffin. He got offended at the doctor when his blood was drawn and demanded that I remove the bandaid "quita esto, mamá beso." He was no big fan of the shot in his arm either. Most of all though, F is a happy go lucky kid. He is as comfortable in Spanish as he is in Italian and English (which he speaks with a Hispanic accent) and he loves his siblings fiercely. F is bossy (surprise!) and can be naughty too. He loves to read books and gets obsessed with 2-3 books at a time. We love you gordito and could not have asked for a more affectionate and easy fifth. No more growing!!

¡7!

A week ago my double trouble turned 7. I am a bit late, kind of a theme (I am always reading old newspapers as well). It is not official that they are not little. We had a family party with limited attendance, an all-girl party on Friday with 14 guests (plus my 5) and then took 14 boys to a movie and lunch on Saturday. I am so proud of these two first grade monkeys. They are kind and thoughtful hooligans. I love you AleVit. I started this blog when you were in utero when I couldn't imagine how fun you would be.

I leave you with a V thought: Mamá, why does Pepsi always have those colors?
Me: It is the brand, they want you to see the colors and think of Pepsi. What do those colors make you think of? Which flag?
V: The French flag?

1 Añito

So you turned one more than a week ago. Too late for happy birthday but not too late to tell you that you have literally brought nothing but joy and smiles into all of our lives. You make everyone you meet happy with your fat cheeks and bald head. Your favorite hobbies include standing on the windowsill to spot people coming over and then banging on the window, climbing up the stairs (yikes!) and eating. We asked several family members to write you a letter for on this occasion to be read by you at 18 years old. I think/hope this will be a valuable gift to you in the future and that we are around to enjoy it. Fefe campeón, we truly adore you. XO your tribe

To My Last Baby F

My dear fat baby. You are almost one. We all love you so much that we are bursting with smush for you and cannot imagine our lives before you. I am sorry that I have done close to nothing to document this first year of your life. You are a happy baby; you smile at almost everyone. You are abandoning your fast military drag crawl for more traditional crawling. You do not seem to be close to walking though you can stand and balance for a few seconds. You eat anything and everything like there is no tomorrow. You sleep well all night, every night though your napping schedule is non-existent. You love your siblings but are also learning to defend yourself:) One of your favorite non-eating activities is standing on the windowsill looking out onto the street searching for family members who may be arriving. To be continued...

Interviews about Papi

What do you like most about papi?

M- That he's very patient.

V- That I love him and he's my dad. And he takes care of me.

A- Awesome of hiking.

J- That he is so much like me.

What do you like to do with papi?

M- cooking

V- I like to go hiking with him and camping with him.

A- Cook

J- Spend time with him!

If you could change one thing about papi, what would it be?

M- That he doesn't lose his temper.

V- I would make him beautiful (me- he's not beautiful now?). No, I mean beautiful beautiful.

A- Make him a boxer.

J- Him fighting with you.

What is papi good at?

M- Drawing.

V- Good at hitchhiking.

A- Hiking

J- Parenting

Belated Birthday Post- J is 9!!!

After a djembe solo in a chorus concert followed by bowling and NY Ninja the night before and a special diner breakfast the day of, J is officially 9- his last year in the single digits. Almost a week later, I want to tell you what a great midget you are. A royal pain too, but a talented and hardworking little guy. From chorus, music theory, and piano to karate, swim and basketball. You are a sweet boy and our eldest son. We love you ciccione!!

¡5!

Happy birthday to the best duo I could ask for. Hard to believe it has been half a decade. We have been celebrating hard with family and friends for three days now. After many "happy birthdays", too many gifts, cakes and balloons... you are in bed. Both of you said your birthday was "awesome" and I agree. My favorite part may have been brownies and strawberries in your classroom with M and J. I will be back with funny lines soon but I will give you some teasers in typical V (rude and not true) style.

Upon opening a pj from abuelo: I don't want this- you can have it (he has since asked me to wear it)
Upon opening a plastic Spider man set of (to be fair) crap: This is crap.
Upon opening an action figure from J: I don't want this. You can have this/
Upon opening a lunchbox  he had already seen because he snooped in my room: I already saw that.

He is a piece of work.

To be continued.

I am very lucky to have a two feisty 5 year olds and almost 9 year old and an 11 year old. Each one more unique and intense than the other!!

40- Oh Well

So now I am 40. I know it is a huge number and allegedly life changing event but I kind of feel the same. I was taken aback when I saw "Happy 40th" in a book that my sister dedicated to me- I had a momentary lapse where I did not know who it was for or thought it was an error. But I guess overall I am okay with being 40. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and my body is already falling apart but I am fortunate to have fairly good health, a great family, an awesome boyfriend, and the chance to be a mother again. Here we go into decade number 5. Yikes!

¡11!

How can it be? We love you so much and you are so big on this 11-11. Stop growing. Stay 11!. Hope you enjoyed your frozen hot chocolate, your Family Ties box set, and your purple bean bag chair. You will always be our number one. LOVE LOVE LOVE. ¡Feliz cumple frupi!

AAAAAHHHHHHH

The days keep passing and I never have time to post. I owe the midgets a 4 year old birthday post!! Yup, the dynamic duo is now 4 and they are soooo big. The other big news is that we are MOVING, making the title of this blog obsolete. Yessiree, we are going to have a 3 bedroom apartment in the hood with a BACKYARD. It is hard to believe. I will have to post more when I am not covered in dust and boxes. I just wanted to note that I have a 10 year old, an almost 8 year old and two 4 year olds!!

10!!

It is hard to believe that you are a DECADE old today. Double digits baby. Though you will never know how much I love you until you become a mother yourself, you will have to trust me. You are so big but thankfully still little. May your new year be full of beautiful things. Enjoy it all. I will be right here watching you continue to be the wonderful M we all adore. TQMYTAPFCMC.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY M&T!!

We miss you. Fuck LA. Okay, that was rude. But we really do miss you. And I even allow dogs (which I still strongly dislike) in my humble abode. Two very hairy shedding dogs drop by and they would surely enjoy meeting Maple:) This year will be win win. Either California will be what you hope it is and you will live joyfully there- or it won't be and you can come back here. Yippee! Seriously though, we miss you much and wish you a happy happy Black Keys Concert. When are you going? XOXO

Papá

So I failed to write a birthday post. Apologies. Happy (belated) birthday! To the best dad I have ever had. Seriously, to the one

who always comes to visit, even if it means getting up at 4am
who will sleep anywhere (anytime)
will appreciate and applaud all of his children's accomplishments
will schlep you or your stuff anywhere without complaining
asks for help with electronics 1000 times per day
eats anything with jam and leaves that sticky knife on your counter
enjoys you and your children just as you are
tqtytamfcmc

HAPPY 4-0 Tía D!!!

Thank you for a fun night and for 34 years of unconditional friendship. I cannot wait to share this next decade with you. I love you very very much!

Happy Birthday Ciccione!

J is 7!!! Remember when M being 7 seemed sooo old? It is here. Even though we celebrated his birthday party last week by taking 11! friends to The Lego Movie and lunch, we are in full celebration mode today. J takes his birthday very seriously and is concerned about all of the fanily members who did not make it to NY. We chose some crappy (artificially) flavored cake for me to make last night for his classmates and negotiated a non corn syrup juice (his line trying to convince me to buy a blue liquid that looked fit for a windshield "nobody is allergic to corn syrup- why can't we get that?") to share with his class. In a few minutes I will wake him up to open gifts. We will have to modify our tradition of opening presents in our bed because nonna is still downstairs! We will be pressed for time as MoJo needs to get spiffied up (formal day) for their lower school Spring Concert. After school I will go with MoJo to get the other monkeys at BT and we will come home to celebrate with NYC family. We LOVE you ciccione. Right about this time 7 years ago, I was getting ready to go to the hospital (or maybe I was there already?)- a;; 200 pounds of me. I remember them sending me for a 2 hour walk to the Time Warner Center. I also remember coming back after one and demanding that you be born. I was in the worst pain ever (still can say his labor was the WORST pain ever) and contemplated giving myself a C-section to make it end. Well worth every ounce of suffering. We are so happy to have you Ciccione- the sweetest drummin' boy in the City!

¡Feliz Cumple!

Happy happy 18! Please vote and don't smoke. Te quiero mucho mucho. Hard to believe you will be in college soon. xoxo

9!!

Cannot believe you are almost in the double digits. 9 years ago today I became a mother. Hard to believe I felt busy before then. May you continue to grow and love people and books and swim and snuggle. You are my first true love. Que los cumplas feliz!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIMES TWO!

happy happy 32 and 33 to my two favorite world travelers. so glad you got to celebrate it in Italia! hope to be with you on the next one. xoxoxoo

Happy Birthday C!!

Your first bday as a mamma. Happy month to baby M. Cannot wait to see you both.
XOXOXO