Yes, I am Still HERE

When I went to work yesterday I got lots of comments: "Are you still here?" No- I am a mirage. A whale-like image of myself. I think it is safe to say that I cannot predict when I am going to give birth. My guess is this week, but who knows. I am trying to get as many things done on my never ending "to do" list and trying to savor, if that is possible, this last time. For while pregnancy is amazing, the miracle of life astounding etc- when you get to this point- with an actual full person living in your abdomen region- it is alien-like, surreal and hard to believe that you still have organs functioning. As rough as birth is, I think the baby would rather not come out as a rule. So warm and dark and fat and easy to eat in there. Enjoy little guy, you are coming out soon and meeting 4 loud monkeys. Some time soon after that, you will meet little M, her little baby, and join this crazy ever-growing family. Hang tight!

You Would Think

that at this point I would know what the onset of labor is like. I do not. For the past 24 hours I have thought that I was in labor. But I am not. Why did I wake up three times to go to the bathroom? Why is there such incredible pressure? Are those baby kicks? Braxton Hicks? I know not. I am a moron I guess and unable to pinpoint the onset of labor. I can tell you that it is close. F is not a fan of the weekend so the next three days are not ideal. I loathe even numbers but they seem to be my doomed fate. April 22 is not a good birthday. Either is April 24. Honestly, my other three even month and day birthdays at least occurred in odd years. Please don't triple even me.
I am hot and large and trying to finish my last dozen reports before heading to my 100000th sonogram. It is a real luxury that I can sit here at home, with the garden breeze and do this. My school is so generous. I will be back to school briefly to do community service class and to get my four monkeys. What a nice day. No baby today please.

The Waiting Game

Here we are, one day shy of week 39. I am ready but not ready. Still surreal that another person- less portable than he/she is now, will be joining us soon. Whenever I am in public with the crew I do a head count and always feel like I am missing one. I suppose when I get to 5, we will be complete. I am now so grotesquely huge in the front that strangers on the street regularly offer unsolicited comments ("a boy right?", "any day now") and congratulations. I am not apparently big enough to get a seat on the subway- this week I have been offered a few seats, but I ride many a subway standing. I am actually more comfortable standing, but that is not the point. I am in and out of school with doctors appointments, trying to complete my end of the year school reports as my sub teaches my classes. Very lucky to have such a flexible job, boss- no complaints here.
At my last visit to the ob, yesterday, it was confirmed that 1. The second doctor does not know me and 2. She is as annoying as my regular one. Not a visit goes by where she does not offer some "scary fact (Dr- "sometimes, in your third pregnancy- your uterus will be so stretched out that it does not contract efficiently and labor slows down" Me- "This is not my third pregnancy and my last labor and delivery was my biggest and fastest"), warning (Dr-"Because you are older, we cannot let you go a week past your due date", Me; "I am more than a week from my due date" and then in my head- are you going to remind me of my age every time I come??), or uninteresting offer (Dr- "Would you like to have the baby today? I can strip your membranes."). Anyway, it looks like my regular one may be on vacation when I deliver, leaving me with her carbon copy, ie it will make no difference. I can only hope that this baby comes out fast, or as my friend at work says "as fast as it went in."
Recently a friend asked AleVit about the impending arrival. A did not want to talk about it and V said that hospital part was disgusting. I assured him he did not have to come to that part, to which he replied "I'm coming!"
Any guesses as to the arrival date, gender and weight of this baby? The nurse at my school is convinced that it is a big boy. I told her that if I have a 7 lb girl, I will have to hunt her down. I am hoping for a 9 lb baby (8.5 might be more realistic but I want to justify the two tons that I weigh) and we are still back and forth with the boy name so a girl would be easier (though- fuck you John Legend). See you soon?!

Wrappin' Up

So.... I think the end is near. While I have done this before, the thought of a (hopefully LARGE) baby coming into our lives soon still seems abstract. I am not anxious for him/her to arrive but cognizant that it could be any day now. I am not sure if it is my age or weight or amnesia, but I do not ever remember feeling this uncomfortable before. There are parts of the day when I am carefree (mostly standing), but other parts where I cannot get comfortable, feel incredible pressure in my pelvis, or cannot stay awake. While I have been sleeping better than I was a few weeks ago (thank you nature), I cannot help but feel extra heavy and awkward in bed. F tells me that I snore (lovely) and every time I want to adjust my position in bed, I feel like a crane could come in handy. I definitely used to be better at this. I already weigh 5 more pounds than when the other two were born. While I started off slimmer, I did also have TWO people growing in me, so it looks like postpartum will be chunkier than desired- especially because I will only be burning the calories needed to feed one baby.

Okay, back to more important topics than my already ruined body... what will I rename this blog? Ideas? I really did have 4 kids, 3 jobs, and 2 bedrooms when I started and now I will have 5 kids and 3 bedrooms but what do I have 4 or 2 of? Hmmm. I do have 4 delinquent children, but that may not last- one could turn angelic or number five could join them.

In delinquent news... V shaved part of his head by himself and denied it. I mean, crying, screaming "I didn't do it" despite the bald spot at the front of his head and F's wet hair clipper shoved in the garbage. He eventually fessed up when I told him the fibbing was getting him in more trouble than the self grooming. When I asked L about it, she told me he had convinced her that F had done it (he had indeed recently given him a hair cut) and that he was not allowed to touch papi's stuff etc. A real delinquent (and L is clearly a gullible/blind person).

A had two "cavities" filled and it was the single most traumatic medical/dental experience to date. Granted we have been lucky to have avoided any real incidents, A's look of panic and horror as the dentist went on and on doing crap in her mouth was awful. There were tears streaming from her eyes but she did not lose her shitake mushrooms until we left the office, at which point she wailed like a baby for a solid full meltdown.

J is plugging away at the 9000 piano concerts, juries, and workshops his teacher wants him to do. M is busy rehearsing for Beauty and the Beast and has joined a running class that she loves. A and V are still karate, piano and swim midgets and A has ballet (not her thing) and V a science class.

All is well in the hood. To be continued...

Thanks A LOT OBAMA

I just got a wonderful free breast pump thanks to our wonderful president. I am week 36.2 and bebé is still down- I am guessing he/she is staying there. I can feel it pushing down when I walk. I hope to make it to week 40 but we shall see. I am not ready but I am ready. Sad to never be pregnant again but also mighty uncomfortable. Home stretch baby!

Week 35.4

Last week's ob visit presented many unappealing and sure to fail options for this puppy to be born naturally. Apparently, this bebé has not committed to being head down and that is not acceptable to any USA doctor. I may have to move abroad soon, as a version seems to be fruitless and unless we can "fake" being head down for the next 10000 sonograms (think one per week at dr and one per week at imaging center from now on) they will schedule me for a c-section. I am going this afternoon and I hope this baby can be or at least "act" head down so I do not have to worry about this. I am confident he/she could come out in any direction (we already have proof of that with A) but my doctor is not interested in my opinion!

Home Stretch Baby!

Well, here we are. A mere six weeks and one day away from my due date. Science tells us that I could meet this baby in even less time (though I doubt it). While this has been my most uncomfortable pregnancy, I am trying to soak it in as it is truly my last. My body is so much achier and older than just five years ago and I think five, a stellar odd number as it is, is a good place to stop. Can we even manage the ones we have? I think so. I hope so. I do not think anyone every regretted having too many siblings and my hope is that these 5 monkeys will grow up knowing how lucky they are to have each other and with some glimpse of appreciation that we did our best. My best doesn't always look (or sound) that graceful, but I try. I digress. My belly looks huge and is quite uncomfortable but most people still don't offer me a seat on the subway. That is okay, I am more comfortable standing. Sitting and laying down don't seem to suit this baby. It is so odd how I cannot imagine anything about this baby- note even gender- and in weeks time I will not remember life pre number five. Only a few days ago did I begin to look through my meager collection of baby keepsakes. Most went to charity. Baby clothes gets discolored. I went into a Babies R Us and felt overwhelmed by the countless products, many non-existent last time around. I did acknowledge and buy some basics like a nursing bra and some bottles. I am thinking this baby will make due with less crap than the others, though I will always welcome hand me downs. A dear friend kindly asked me if I wanted a shower. I was embarrassed to have one for M and really embarrassed to have one for AleVit. I would never want a shower this time- I feel much more private and simple this time. I do not even want a birth announcement email or any of that jazz- social media is too much for me. If we are close (or if we are in the same family), you will know and you will see- no need to parade the baby- though it is virtually impossible to stop other people. Okay, I am rambling. I need to go wake up one tired boyfriend and four slumbering students who must wear green for St Patrick's today. Daylight Savings Time has kicked our butts. M competes in the spelling bee today (hurray!) and sings in the talent show tomorrow (yikes!). Two days until spring break. Will this baby be born in Miami? I hope not. We'll see. Onward!

Baby Comments & More

V: How do you dress the baby in there?
Me: I don't.
V: It is always Maked? (yes- I let him say it with an m because I love it)

V: When you pee does the baby's pee come out too?
Me: No.
V: So all the pee is inside?

V: You are going to get bigger and bigger and bigger and KABOOM, the baby will come out.

A: Do you have milk in your tetas?

At least two people: Did F know about this plan? Does he agree? (this makes me think of Rick Moranis is Parenthood and his wife making holes in the diaphragm)


My boss: We have not had a chance to talk about your astonishingly wonderful news (not sure if she meant the opposite)

V: Before I was alive were there other people alive?

V: When I am dead will there be other people alive still?

Hit Me Baby One More Time!

Unlike Britney, this ain't no oops. But yes, we are INSANE in the membrane and have embarked upon our fifth, and final baby project. I am 12.5 weeks along and have begun to tell people so here we are. My funny-things-my-kids-say blog will revert back to a hybrid pregnancy and kid blog. I am large and in charge and while many of our nearest and dearest had reactions that were less than favorable or ideal, on the most part I have been surprised and relieved at the amount of enthusiasm and support. Sure, most of these people think we are nuts and would never consider having so many kids, but some seem genuinely enthused (or bewildered). We figured... you only live once. We would never regret having a kid but we might regret not having one more. Unless you are an artist or an architect or a philosopher, what do we really leave behind? I never met a kid of mine I didn't like and I never once regretted having so many siblings. What better gift to MoJo and AleVit than one more delinquent? This singleton will of course fuck up our nicknames/pairs thing as well as the 4 perfectly spaced out portraits that we finally hung in our bedroom but... life is messy.

Some of my favorite reactions (these will remain anonymous so as to protect those with no filter old and young alike):

You are not pregnant I hope!

You lied to me.

You are fucking nuts.

Jesus Christ! 5?!!

(just an eye roll and silence)

Well, they are yours to raise.

You are a couple of scoundrels. Are you crazy? You can't be serious! You are happy about this?

I am proud of you!

This is the best birthday present ever!*

Wait, we are doing it? Having a baby?*

NOOOOOO! I don't want it.*

No, it is going to knock over my structures.*

An accident of course but a happy one? **

Unplanned of course! **

Okay. So you did not plan this right? **

* spoken by one of my kids

** here is a tip: asking someone if they planned to get pregnant is a little like asking them what sex position they used (i.e. none of your fucking business)

This question, given my age and the number of kids I have, is going to be recurring and I imagine the equivalent to "Are they natural twins?" "A boy and a girl? Are they identical?" and a whole lot of other dumb and invasive questions from the last time around. But for those of you who must know, here is a little TMI. Since I am not very good at too many things, I will boast of this not-that-useful-talent that I have. When I decide that I might want to have a baby***(and never on any other occasion in my 23 years of being sexually active), I "try" and then it happens on the first shot. I thought we were very lucky and or fertile in the past and that this time would most likely disappoint. But nope, not only was this not an accident, it was planned to the day. Okay, my talents end here. I am going to not be myself for a while and not get as frazzled or agitated by the 1000 things that can and do make me lose it. I am a privileged and happy pregnant person for the fourth time and I will enjoy it all since this is really it (I am now too old for my aspiring surrogate career too). May this pregnancy be great, the delivery easy, the breastfeeding (the worst!) forgettable, and may this crazy mamma keep her shit together. For 6 more months. And then 18 or so more years. YEE HAW.

***(and F is in agreement of course)

I Could Eat a Horse

Click here to set the tone. I cannot begin to tell you how hungry I get and how much I can eat. Much more than when I was pregnant. This keeping two people alive with your body even when they are not in your body must consume a lot of calories. I have hunger attacks where I inhale a small mountain of food. Then I say "crap, that was gross." But then every few days, I get on the scale and I continue to shed baby pounds. So I guess there is an upside for a food lover like me in being enslaved into milk servitude. I can eat! Amazing how many things this family uses my body for. I wish we could use F's body to grow and sustain some children! Now I just need to figure out where to put all of my lovely extra BLACK skin. And oh, where is my belly button?

Post Partum Etiquette

For those of you who were wondering how to offend a post partum lady like myself, here are some tips you may find useful..

1. Inquiries such as "When are you due?" a month post the birth date- not so friendly.
2. Pointing, touching or staring at the pouch belly left over from delivery- quite obvious.
3. Saying "you look great" while you do number 2 with a look of disdain- insincere.
4. Saying "you look great" and then qualifying it with "it has only been x weeks" with a look on your face that says the opposite- not productive
5. Suggesting a tummy tuck repeatedly to your daughter in law when she is clearly a) offended, b) not interested in surgery, c) too poor for one anyway - not so classy

If you would like to offend or piss off an already sensitive and hormonally charged person like myself- I highly recommend trying any of the 5 faux pas above.

Nature vs. Medicine

This is how long I was awake last night. Except there was no fiesta. Just lots of sleeplessness and discomfort. The positive side of NOT sleeping from 1:50 am until after 5:30am is that I am in good shape for babies keeping me up all night.  Since I am feeling very musical, I thought I could sum up all of the physical, emotional, and psychological feelings I have right now with another song you definitely know. I now think that despite this feeling, I should have left my babies alone. The medical/societal pressure to deliver. Why? If Dr. C's arm being up in my cervix hurt me, I can only imagine how it felt to Phoebe and Kiwi. They were scrambling up towards my throat when she was up in there. I should have stuck to my guns and fucked her desire to "speed it up a little." Doesn't nature know better than her? Maybe they were meant to stay in there a whole 40 weeks. That would not surprise me. Too late now. Their cocoon is falling apart and they will be smushed and pushed out soon no matter what they/I think. Fighting your doctor every step is fucking exhausting.

Foiled Again!

By Dr. C
no labor
yes pain
no real contractions
DB lost today
I guess I can hope for tomorrow
even though it is even and i do not like that
my other option is Thurs
at the crack of dawn
also even
Off to not sleep
once more
soon i will be posting as a
single person
without two other people inside of me
how plain Jane of me
i want them out now
but labor is a bitch
and I am 37 weeks and 6 days almost
maybe I am meant to go to 38?

Don't Try This At Home...

Just got back from Dr. C. I am officially in major discomfort pain/now. If you ever want to practice being in pain get a "stripping of the membranes" done, which today, essentially meant her manually dilating me. Yes,  it feels as good as it sounds. She thinks I will have the babies today but I never know if I should believe her or not. Last week she said she would have to do it a few times to jump start labor. Whatever. I am going to try to take a nap before the midgets get home in case I am having twins later today. At least the pressure I feel will be released. If they do not come on their own she is breaking my water on Thursday. I have to be in at 5am! for that. Two twins, coming to you, live from Mt. Sinai, straight out of the birth canal, in the next 76 hours maximum. AAHHHH.

Tye-red

I think this is the end. For the past 24 hours I have been truly uncomfortable and almost in pain. I cannot complain since it has only been a day (or two) and the end is certainly near. Seeing Dr. C tomorrow- we shall see what happens. Thursday is the deadline so there is no longer a mystery about when Kiwi and Phoebe will make their appearance. At least I will not have to field any more of the same stupid questions. I cannot wait for the new ones "are they twins?" "are they identical?" Off to bed to not sleep.

Dreams...

It is fascinating to me how many people have told me that they dreamt about me and giving birth over the course of this pregnancy, especially in the last couple of weeks. How bizarre. I hardly ever remember my dreams, and nobody ever tells me that they dream about me. Now I have friends and mere acquaintances telling me that Copy & Paste are in their dreams. I am flattered that they are making such widespread prenatal subconscious debuts. I actually do remember part of my dream from my almost non-existent sleep last night and it involved running the marathon and hitting a literal wall (an expression for mile 20 more or less when you cannot make it anymore and the real mental fight begins) and having to touch it and turn around to finish. Even though I wrote about running and labor yesterday I wonder if this is a harbinger for the wall of pain around the corner that I will encounter and have to surmount to finish labor. What a strange business dreams, especially when you consider permeating so many random people's nocturnal thoughts.

Sleepless in Harlem

I am not sure how much is physical and how much is psychological, but if I do not have these babies soon, I fear I will be too tired to push them out. In the last 24 hours I have become so incredibly uncomfortable in almost every position, that sleeping is a nightmare. The longest stretch I sleep is 3 or 4 hours and once I wake up to go to the bathroom to relieve some pressure, I am done, I toss and turn. I am fully awake and it takes forever (or never) to go back to sleep. I dread the nighttime. On the upside, I am not used to waking up all night long and maybe this will be beneficial to feeding twins. Nobody bet on today. So perhaps they will be born today. I have a feeling not though. There are very few contenders left. Happy Sunday!

Auf Wiedersehen!

To my siblings who bothered to bet, to my father, and most likely to C's boyfriend. No signs of labor yet...

Maternity & Marathoning

As obvious as many of these similarities are, I cannot help but point out...

1. Long term training/preparation for a difficult but pleasurable goal. I did the labor thing twice, the marathon thrice and I am appropriately going for a 4th time. 4 races. 4 kids. My goal was to do it within the year of the babies being born and it worked in 2005 and 2007. This year my mother and I will tackle walking/jogging the beast for charity.

2. You cannot wait for it to be over (labor) but then you miss the training (being pregnant).

3. The curiousness/dumb questions. "How long is that marathon?" "Did you try to have twins?" etc.

4. No pain no gain. This one is clear.

5. Breathe!

6. The weight- marathon training makes you hungry and lean and muscular. Baby making, well you are hungry and big but unfortunately flabby and deflated and stretch marked when you are done.

7. Spectators/supporters/commentators- Most of this is positive and I TRULY appreciate everyone's support in this pregnancy especially, which could have been hard... but ended up being great- the easiest physically (I still do not weigh as much as I did when M was born). When you are in the marathon, the cheering is of utmost importance as well, you do not want to let anyone down. The flip side of the commenting/inquiring/cheering, is when you cannot take it anymore. See below.

8. The end: When you have run 25 miles or 25.8 miles, you know where you are in the race. When you have gained 40 something pounds and your due date is approaching and EVERY person you see EVERY day asks you "When are/were you due?". "Are you still here?", "How much longer?"- as unfriendly as it is/I am, I feel like hurting them, just like the spectators drinking coffee or screwdrivers at mile 25 yelling "You are almost there." I know where the hell I am and it is not as close to the end as I need to be so ZIP it.

9. The reward: Obviously babies are better than medals. The feeling of accomplishment and awe at the human body is huge in both cases though. You get to keep your kids and love them and they are clearly 1000 times more important than your athletic feat. But, in my psychotic mind, there are some strong parallels that make these seemingly insurmountable tasks, a joy. The mental piece is clutch. The physical daunting. The emotional overwhelming. The whole thing: priceless.

Bye Bye

KW and the other two members of the three cool ice (unless I can pull the whole thing off in the next 5 hours??)