A and V on little F

A, as I kissed her good night: It's great that you are not pregnant anymore!
Me: Yeah.
A: At least, people still think you are because you look it!

A: I just love this little nugget.

V: When are you going to yell at him?

A: Are you going to scold him?

A: He is my favorite person in the world!

WELCOME LITTLE F- Your Birth Story

We did it! You are here. Truth be told, I did not not think I would make it. I won't get into all of the gory mundane details now, but let's just recap: I woke up at 5:30am with my water broken (weird). I proceeded to alternate between gushing and dripping (why didn't I buy diapers?) all day, speckled with some painful manual interventions from our favorite OB. Whoa, that was painful and still no contractions. Mid-afternoon we headed to Mt Sinai, which seemed more like a third world clinic than a NYC hospital. They had no pads (when I asked), or room, or information until the last waterfall of fluid came out of me and they thought it more quaint to set me up in triage. I had a minimal dose of pitocin only to have it be halted because "all of the ORs were in use." Who cares? Well apparently this happens never, but when it does, they do not want to encourage anyone else to go into labor so all pitocin stops. Suffice it to say, that 2 hours later I was really in labor and trying to breathe and think about how I had done this, how each contraction was one down, visualizing the baby coming down.. I was not yet out of my mind. But in this third location where they had me birth, I had another 40 minutes or pitocin and I am not sure but I suspect that this what was brought on the most violent and painful rash of contractions of my life maybe. Think oscillating between sweating, wanting to vomit, not feeling my hands (which were purple at one point?!), feeling an elephant smashing my cervix while another one was trying to come out of me from the back. Not pretty. I was thinking "this is a 20" (earlier I had rated my pain at 6 like an asshole from 1-10). Thank goodness this excruciating pain I described was under an hour. I started to push soon after and in 2 (or 3?) pushed you were out. I screamed so loud while I pushed that I surprised myself. I have never made such a primordial and loud sound. I always thought women yelling in labor was TV stuff, unrealistic and for dramatic flair. I may have woken up the whole hospital. Bu there you were. Little boy. 8lbs 3oz- not the 12 lber I thought you were. Perfect and quiet (probably scared). I began to shake like never before. I was freezing and my teeth were clanging and it went on and on despite the blankets. I was shaking so violently, that they said I could not hold you. Now all is calm. We are in a beautiful room overlooking Central Park. Your father slept with us last night. Thank you tía A for keeping the monkeys. All you have to do today is meet 4 crazy siblings and anyone else who ventures here to see to our latest and last love bug. We love you little F!

Yes, I am Still HERE

When I went to work yesterday I got lots of comments: "Are you still here?" No- I am a mirage. A whale-like image of myself. I think it is safe to say that I cannot predict when I am going to give birth. My guess is this week, but who knows. I am trying to get as many things done on my never ending "to do" list and trying to savor, if that is possible, this last time. For while pregnancy is amazing, the miracle of life astounding etc- when you get to this point- with an actual full person living in your abdomen region- it is alien-like, surreal and hard to believe that you still have organs functioning. As rough as birth is, I think the baby would rather not come out as a rule. So warm and dark and fat and easy to eat in there. Enjoy little guy, you are coming out soon and meeting 4 loud monkeys. Some time soon after that, you will meet little M, her little baby, and join this crazy ever-growing family. Hang tight!

You Would Think

that at this point I would know what the onset of labor is like. I do not. For the past 24 hours I have thought that I was in labor. But I am not. Why did I wake up three times to go to the bathroom? Why is there such incredible pressure? Are those baby kicks? Braxton Hicks? I know not. I am a moron I guess and unable to pinpoint the onset of labor. I can tell you that it is close. F is not a fan of the weekend so the next three days are not ideal. I loathe even numbers but they seem to be my doomed fate. April 22 is not a good birthday. Either is April 24. Honestly, my other three even month and day birthdays at least occurred in odd years. Please don't triple even me.
I am hot and large and trying to finish my last dozen reports before heading to my 100000th sonogram. It is a real luxury that I can sit here at home, with the garden breeze and do this. My school is so generous. I will be back to school briefly to do community service class and to get my four monkeys. What a nice day. No baby today please.

The Waiting Game

Here we are, one day shy of week 39. I am ready but not ready. Still surreal that another person- less portable than he/she is now, will be joining us soon. Whenever I am in public with the crew I do a head count and always feel like I am missing one. I suppose when I get to 5, we will be complete. I am now so grotesquely huge in the front that strangers on the street regularly offer unsolicited comments ("a boy right?", "any day now") and congratulations. I am not apparently big enough to get a seat on the subway- this week I have been offered a few seats, but I ride many a subway standing. I am actually more comfortable standing, but that is not the point. I am in and out of school with doctors appointments, trying to complete my end of the year school reports as my sub teaches my classes. Very lucky to have such a flexible job, boss- no complaints here.
At my last visit to the ob, yesterday, it was confirmed that 1. The second doctor does not know me and 2. She is as annoying as my regular one. Not a visit goes by where she does not offer some "scary fact (Dr- "sometimes, in your third pregnancy- your uterus will be so stretched out that it does not contract efficiently and labor slows down" Me- "This is not my third pregnancy and my last labor and delivery was my biggest and fastest"), warning (Dr-"Because you are older, we cannot let you go a week past your due date", Me; "I am more than a week from my due date" and then in my head- are you going to remind me of my age every time I come??), or uninteresting offer (Dr- "Would you like to have the baby today? I can strip your membranes."). Anyway, it looks like my regular one may be on vacation when I deliver, leaving me with her carbon copy, ie it will make no difference. I can only hope that this baby comes out fast, or as my friend at work says "as fast as it went in."
Recently a friend asked AleVit about the impending arrival. A did not want to talk about it and V said that hospital part was disgusting. I assured him he did not have to come to that part, to which he replied "I'm coming!"
Any guesses as to the arrival date, gender and weight of this baby? The nurse at my school is convinced that it is a big boy. I told her that if I have a 7 lb girl, I will have to hunt her down. I am hoping for a 9 lb baby (8.5 might be more realistic but I want to justify the two tons that I weigh) and we are still back and forth with the boy name so a girl would be easier (though- fuck you John Legend). See you soon?!

Cultural Observations by A

A: Can girls be Jewish?
Me: Yes.
A: Then why don't they wear the caps on their head? Oh yeah, they wear the blankets. Also in UNICEF and other countries far away the girls wear blankets on their heads because they are bald.
Me; They are not bald.
A: They also wear blankets on their bodies

Wrappin' Up

So.... I think the end is near. While I have done this before, the thought of a (hopefully LARGE) baby coming into our lives soon still seems abstract. I am not anxious for him/her to arrive but cognizant that it could be any day now. I am not sure if it is my age or weight or amnesia, but I do not ever remember feeling this uncomfortable before. There are parts of the day when I am carefree (mostly standing), but other parts where I cannot get comfortable, feel incredible pressure in my pelvis, or cannot stay awake. While I have been sleeping better than I was a few weeks ago (thank you nature), I cannot help but feel extra heavy and awkward in bed. F tells me that I snore (lovely) and every time I want to adjust my position in bed, I feel like a crane could come in handy. I definitely used to be better at this. I already weigh 5 more pounds than when the other two were born. While I started off slimmer, I did also have TWO people growing in me, so it looks like postpartum will be chunkier than desired- especially because I will only be burning the calories needed to feed one baby.

Okay, back to more important topics than my already ruined body... what will I rename this blog? Ideas? I really did have 4 kids, 3 jobs, and 2 bedrooms when I started and now I will have 5 kids and 3 bedrooms but what do I have 4 or 2 of? Hmmm. I do have 4 delinquent children, but that may not last- one could turn angelic or number five could join them.

In delinquent news... V shaved part of his head by himself and denied it. I mean, crying, screaming "I didn't do it" despite the bald spot at the front of his head and F's wet hair clipper shoved in the garbage. He eventually fessed up when I told him the fibbing was getting him in more trouble than the self grooming. When I asked L about it, she told me he had convinced her that F had done it (he had indeed recently given him a hair cut) and that he was not allowed to touch papi's stuff etc. A real delinquent (and L is clearly a gullible/blind person).

A had two "cavities" filled and it was the single most traumatic medical/dental experience to date. Granted we have been lucky to have avoided any real incidents, A's look of panic and horror as the dentist went on and on doing crap in her mouth was awful. There were tears streaming from her eyes but she did not lose her shitake mushrooms until we left the office, at which point she wailed like a baby for a solid full meltdown.

J is plugging away at the 9000 piano concerts, juries, and workshops his teacher wants him to do. M is busy rehearsing for Beauty and the Beast and has joined a running class that she loves. A and V are still karate, piano and swim midgets and A has ballet (not her thing) and V a science class.

All is well in the hood. To be continued...

Lines

J: Can dogs be transgendered?

J (on crowded train): After that baby comes out with your conchita stay big or get small again? Will you belly be fat?

V: When the baby comes out, wherever it lands it stays right? Because it cannot move.

A?V?: Why do we have spring break? Because we do a lot of work and we need to calm down?

V: If you are the teacher, do you choose what you do with the class?

V: Is g-d a person? Can you pray to stay like a kid forever? Will it work? Matthew (kid in class) taught me how to pray- you put your hands on your chin and close your eyes.
Me:- Does it work?
V: Not really.

A: If you can see far away, are you smart?

V looking at tween: It's a kid and it already has a phone!

V: When I'm older I won't know how to do anything.

V: How did you find papi? You made us but where did you find him?

V calling me to wipe him: I wiped my butt two times- it's legal and official and you need to check it.

Lines

V: Why you never tell the kids at school that your names are mami and papi?

A after F tried to put ambesol on her canker sore: My tongue feels massaged!

A: Just so you know, I am going to be a rock star when I grow up!

A: I love you and the human being who is inside of you!

Thanks A LOT OBAMA

I just got a wonderful free breast pump thanks to our wonderful president. I am week 36.2 and bebé is still down- I am guessing he/she is staying there. I can feel it pushing down when I walk. I hope to make it to week 40 but we shall see. I am not ready but I am ready. Sad to never be pregnant again but also mighty uncomfortable. Home stretch baby!