Torino-ease

V- What kind of cheese is that?
Me- Feta
V- Like fefe's girlfriend? A girl fefe?

V- Is there such thing as a seven pack?

Me- Tomorrow it is going to rain a lot.
A- April showers bring May flowers.
V- Yeah, the gremlins came over on the Mayflower.
Me- Gremlins?
V- For the first Thanksgiving.
Me- Pilgrims!

V- First person to live was g-d but he died. Well it was a woman but we do not know her real name so we call her g-d.

V- Do robbers bite you?
Me- No. Why?
V- Well, abominables eat you.
Me- Snowmen?
V- The people who like to eat people, they come out of the ocean.

V- What kind of cake is F going to have for his birthday? It should be classic.

V looking at graffiti on train- It is a gangster sign.

V to A after biting her: You can't feel love you just know it.

A- I think I am the only person in this family who doesn't smile correctly.

recap:
gremlin= pilgrim        abominable=cannibal    g-d= woman

Deep Thursday Thoughts

V: People just want to climb up the mountain where Jesus was born. They don't care if they break their neck or their face.

Me: What else do you know about Jesus?
V: He got nailed to a piece of wood.
Me: Who told you that?
V: Alexander (a classmate)

Me: Ya feel me?
V: Yes, I feel you so much.

We DID it!

We made it through our first week of school. I barely had any of my classes due to transition week for the younger students. I did not tutor a soul (nobody has gotten bad grades yet) and most after school activities have not started. But I am beat. Maybe old? Maybe uninspired? I feel silly paying someone to take care of little f. Someone should be paying me to hang out with him. He is so sleep trained that we do not see each other AT ALL. He is in da crib by 7:30pm and does not wake up until some time between 5:45-6:45am. He nurses and then goes back to sleep. We are like ships that pass in the night.

I cannot remember what I have and have not shared of (mostly V) quotations so please pardon any repetitions. Here we go:

When I asked V about getting in trouble: No, I did not. Ms J and I had a meeting in the cubby room about not talking during meeting.

When I asked again the next day: Today was good. I did not get in trouble. Well, except for one thing with the paint.
Me: What thing with the paint?
V: Don't worry about it mamá.

J and I were arguing because he wanted to take communion in chapel at school and he said: But I love Jesus (and I puked in my mouth a little).
Me: Fine. But you are still not taking communion.
J: And when I am thirteen, I am going to have a Bar Mitzvah.
 (as you can tell we are doing a stellar job with the religion thing)


More soon...

Cultural Observations by A

A: Can girls be Jewish?
Me: Yes.
A: Then why don't they wear the caps on their head? Oh yeah, they wear the blankets. Also in UNICEF and other countries far away the girls wear blankets on their heads because they are bald.
Me; They are not bald.
A: They also wear blankets on their bodies

Final 2015 Lines

V: When I am an unaccompanied minor I am going to scream: Coca lola when I get on the plane!

Me: Get your fingers out of your mouth.

V: I'm sharpening my teeth!

As we discussed what was nature and what was man-made on a little Vermont hike:

Me: What about the stream?

V: Man made- broken pipe!

Me: How about you?

V: Man made and woman made.

V: I want to be in JK forever.

As the word Jewish came up, I asked A if she knew what it meant. Confidently:

A: It means married!

V: Where does G-d live?

V: Who made nature and the whole world?

December Lines

V: Can I have my wallet?
Me: No.
V: Money is not a decoration.

J: When I get my bearded dragon and it dies, it won't be a a hopeless sad death. It will have a proper death and I will give it a mini tombstone.

J: I know what I will spend all of my luxury on. I will have a toy machine in my back yard. How much do those cost? Will you look it up?

When I told J I had to go tutor: Can't you try to go on a game show to win a lot of money? It could change our lives!

V to F as they were putting away toys: You don't need to hold it. Actually, can you leave? You didn't even brush your teeth!

These kids have a very good sense of smell like moi. I was wearing a hand me down from my friend, their art teacher and A remarked: You smell like art class!

V remarked that the pope (a picture on the subway) looked just like abuelo r's business partner. I said. well that guy is much younger and heavier and super Jewish.
J: The pope isn't Jewish? I thought he was!

V: Tom quit.
Me: What?
V: From Tom and Jerry. He got arrested for crashing his car and now he quit. They need a new actor.

A, when I offered her grilled cheese: Why do they call it "girl" cheese?

A: I think I have a handkerchief in my mouth?
V: You mean a canker sore?
A: Yeah (turns out she has another tooth behind a baby one a la shark)


Doing the rose and thorn game:
V: My thorn is that in a couple of weeks everyone is going to die
A; That is a gigantic thorn!

A: Only Idene is coming? No! That is not Thanksgiving- it can't just be one person

V: How do you say, can you please leave now?
Me: Why?
V: Because I want to practice my Spanish and I want her (Idene) to stop breathing on me.

V: He (character in a book) doesn't like kissing ?
That is silly. Without kissing there is no love and he cannot be made.

Limited Knowledge

Here are some highlights from the last 24 hours...

V pooped in the bidet (nothing like picking up a turd with your hands).

M slipped into the Lago di Como (I tried hard not to laugh).

J explained ISIS to me: They are like ninjas but very bad. Oh-Rock O-bama blew up their country but they are still angry and bad.

V asked who the skeleton was (Jesus on the cross) in the Castello S'forzesco Museum. After I said "Jesus" and told him he was a popular figure in art but mostly as a baby (in that gallery).. A set out to find "Gee-Liss" all over the museum and then in churches (such as the Duomo in Como). The way she says "Gee-Liss" really makes him sound like a rapper.

Delinquent Religious Chatter & More

V: I know you are not a good mom.

J: Every mom is a good mom because G-d gave that kid that mom.
Me: Can we take a rest from the G-d stuff (fuck!!) Do you think kids whose moms do not give them food and hit them deserve those moms?
J: People make mistakes. G-d makes mistakes too.
Here comes our next evangelist. Fuck!


A to me: Don't interrupt me, I am working in the office.

A to me while I asked V to stop packing "beard" in lunch boxes: Stop annoying him!

V to me: I am warning you, I am going to pee and poop!

V when I asked for kisses: I have no more in my throat.

J to me: Mamá, I am pretending that you are Ms H (head of lower school) or Ms C (head of school) so I respect what you say.

V: BT is my school- it is a wonderful place!

For My Eager Fan- Just One Line

J to me: I do not know if you know this, since you do not believe in G-d, but what is his real name?
Me: Well, different religions have different names for G-d.
J: What about in my religion?
Me: What is your religion?
J: I do not know.
(Good job parents)

More Backlog of Lines

J to F: You guys love me less because I am different than you.
F: Why?
J: Because I believe in G-d and you do not. I am Jewish and you are not.
____
J: Do not tell people the funny things I say. I want it to be personal.
___
J: Can we move to Singapore? I am sick of all of the gum on the sidewalk. It is disgusitng.
___
M: Would you have married papi if he looked like how he does now?
__
J: Can you make me spinach and carrots and milk every day so I can have strong bones and eyes?
__
J: Girls have three privates and boys have two. Actually girls have four, six if you count the niblets.
___
Me: We are going to ask the restaurant for a gift certificate for the auction.
J: They will give it you if they think you are pretty.
__
J: Were you born in the 1880's?
__
M to J : You should put less pressure on mamá and appreciate her more. Lots of kids do not even get to leave the country like we do.
__
J: I would kill myself to save you.
__
J: Can you punish me so I cannot watch tv? While M watches tv, I want to learn to read. So please punish me so I can learn to read.

J's Super Taped Note

that he gave me. was for me to mail. to G-d. He told me it was about hurricane Sandy:
G-d. Help New York. J.
Oy. Collateral damage of going to a St. school. Letters to G-d. Then he said:
Add his son too.
His son?
Yeah, Jesus.
Mamma mia!

I Type as I Hear (Ay Ay Ay)

M to J: Adam is a myth. Like they think that G-d put Adam and Eve on earth and they had kids and so on and so on, but I do not believe that because there are more than two families on earth.

J: The people who are Jewish think it was nature and G-d

M: I think it was revolutions of nature. Some people think G-d and Mother Nature were the first people alive
J : Yeah,  some think they are married. And then they think he got divorced and married to another lady and had Jesus.
M: No Jesus is from Mary and the other man. No Joseph and Mary were longing for a child and G-d gave them a child.
Me; I do not believe that
M: Either do I. Jesus is for sure real right?
J: D said that some religious people say that G-d went down to earth like 90 years ago and because people were mean, he and Jesus thought that if he killed someone, people would be good. So they put Jesus on a stack with stuff in his hands (shows being on the cross) and he died like 49 years ago Before papi was born. Actually right before D(elia) was born.

M: The reason X resembles religion, is that Jesus was put in an X and he had no food and no water.

J: No, nails were stapled into him and that is why he died. But his head wasn't stapled.

Weekend Banter

J: I want to look at myself, but not in the mirror and not in a reflection, I just want to see myself.

J: Can we empty out a room in our house to make a gym for me? We can make it neat and put in the equipment that I need to get muscles.

J to me about A running around with a box of tampons: Mamá, she has your ear wax! (ear cleaners?)

M to me about A who was irking her as she watched tv: Can you cure the crying?
Me (laughing) : Cure it?
M, pissed!: You have four children and she is your fourth. You should know how to handle a baby when it is crying.

J: I do not like G-d. I am not Jewish. But I like that song they sing in chapel with halleliula.

J: This is the worst day of my life.
M: The worst day of your life is the day you die. Or your girlfriend leaves you.
J: I will not have a girlfriend.

J after being sent to bed early for talking about shit in food (classy, I know) : This is the worst day of my life. First I had to wrestle, then I fell off my bike, then they demand me, then they send me to bed without dessert. I hate this day!

J's Lessons on Religion

J- Whenever you are sad g-d is there with you.
Me- I do not believe in him
J- If you do not believe in him, he will not believe in you.
M- Okay.
J- Who do you think made me?
me- I did, with papi.
J- Well who made you?
Me- Abuela S and abuelo R.
J- No. G-d did. Without him you would be dead.
(Oy vey).

Recent Lines

M to me as I kissed her goodnight: You know you are growing a moustache?
___
J to me re lunch: I want hamburgers.
Me: We do not have that.
J: It's easy, get two round pieces of bread and go to Target to get the meat.
__
J while exercising: I can't do it, my muscles are gone.
__
M when I told her to keep it down yesterday morning: That's dumb. Why do people want to sleep in because Jesus died?
__
M: I do not believe in Jesus or that he came back alive.
J: I do.
Me ( to myself) : Good job mamma.

MoJo In The Tub...

Singing "Oh, the lord is good to me, and so I thank the lord." My mother who is bathing them "What the hell is that? From school? Well, the lord is not good to me." Very tactful my mother is...

Winter Time, And the Living Is Easy

Too easy. I am officially bored to death. We are in VT, all 11 of us!! My brother "missed" his train today so he is still solo in NYC. VT isnice. But there is not much to do other than eat. Or sleep. Or eat. Try to read. Fall asleep. Too hot. Too many people and opinions all the time. But no fights. So that is good. Will try to practice driving, eating less, and going for a walk (if the crew of pregnancy cops let me) tomorrow. M asked me what exactly we are celebrating on Christmas and we gave some more confusing irrational answers (Me- nothing, family being together and winter time, F- Some people believe it is Jesus's birthday but it is not necessarily true and we do not celebrate that). Both kids behaving great, happy to hang out with the family, play hide and seek, and run around. Just trimmed the tree. Very beautiful. Off to dinner!

J Week

It is J week in M's class so she put Jesus and Jewish on her list. She is so damn confused. J wanted to clarify that we are not Jewish. I told him that we were not religious. I asked him if he knew who was Jewish in our family and M said "abuela S." I told them that it was not her but rather abuelo R. M has some  confusion where she equates religion with Jewish. She told me that abuela S. believes in g-d and is Jewish. I am not sure if she does not doesn't but I told her that all religions believe in one. We are not religious I repeated (a useless mantra) and J said, "I know, we are people-ish." Sounds good to me!

J's Insights

While drinking chocolate milk "Do you know why cows have black spots? Because they roll around in chocolate milk."
Later, "This is not chocolate milk. This is tutto leche (i.e. dulce de leche) milk."
While singing "Jesus our brother, kind and good" (pageant song he is rehearsing rigorously) I asked him,  "Do you know who Jesus is?"
M- He doesn't exist.
J-He is a cow in the song.

The Passion of the Confused 6 Year Old

Today M's teacher told me that she was talking animatedly to her friends about Jesus. About how he was dragging himself through the streets (imitation of a slumped staggering body). About how he died hanging, that he was carrying a cross, bleeding. M's teacher cut her off when she deemed it too graphic. I was sort of amused and embarrassed since I definitely never spoke to her about any of that. Nor do I know squat about how Jesus dies beyond the basic visuals. I told her she was probably just repeating something she heard. When I questioned the religious midget about where she got her Jesus info, she non-chalantly replied "Nobody told me. I saw all of the pictures of this in the museum." F confirmed that she was describing the passion of Christ. This LBJ agnostic barely knows what the hell that means. M is already ahead of me in religious education.