One and One

Sorry for the radio silence. Here are some lines from the last few days...

A: When I was born I used to play the piano and all of the kids said "yay" and I got a Hello Kitty Flower (J got one after his recital last week).

V, in response: When I got older, I got a car flower when I played the piano.

J when I asked him why he does not pass the ball to M in basketball: She is like a carpet.
Me: What?
J: She lets everyone walk all over her (nice sexist player in the making).

A dick father whose son I tutored recently as he wrote me a check: Should I make it out to cash or to you?
Me: To me is fine.
Dick: I do not even know who you are. What's your name? (I tutored his older son a few years ago. Nice!)

V: Did you see the fashion of my robot?
A: Your robot does not have any fashio.
V, crying: Yes. HE DOES. My robot does have fashion.

J on M: She has one patience, and it always breaks.

J when I asked him what was in his (lost) gym bag: My blazer, my tie, my gym uniform.
Me: Not your (new) sneakers right?
J: One and one.
Me: What?
J: I had one old sneaker and one new sneaker in there.

Fabulous! Hope he enjoys that fashion for the rest of the year!

Random Lines

V: La luna is the daughter of the sun, which is trying to shine through.

J, as I was breaking down my day to F: You teach?

J, in my bed, feigning sleep, when I said he should sleep in his own bed: I will pretend I did not hear that.

V ran into the bathroom while F pooped and said: I came to smell your delicious smells!

J The Lazy Teenager

It is very hard to get this boy out of bed! He is like a hung over teenager (and he sleeps like 11.5 hours). A gets dressed on her own before he even brushes his teeth!

J: I am not going to school! I am going to make my own weekend. And it ends next Wednesday.

V The Sweetheart

Recently V has begun a new (cute) trend. If he sees me getting flustered or irritated, he runs up to me and says something random like:

Happy Mother's Day! or You don't know you're beautiful (One Direction Song) or I love you too much!

For My Eager Fan- Just One Line

J to me: I do not know if you know this, since you do not believe in G-d, but what is his real name?
Me: Well, different religions have different names for G-d.
J: What about in my religion?
Me: What is your religion?
J: I do not know.
(Good job parents)

Last Lines of 2013

J: Can you adopt a wife?

V: The ocean is finished!

V: I like to touch my penis.
Me: Why?
V: I want to touch all of it.

A to J: Don't say midget to me, I say midget to you!

M to F: You are not the boss, you are not Mr. Moleskine

A has been trying to use her new doll's chupete. I explained to her that it is not a real one and that she is too big: Well, my baby does not need it. She is not crying.

V as I put a dress on A: Can I have a dress?
Me: Boys do not usually wear dresses.
V: Can I have a blue dress?

M: I am going to read while I walk. I can do it. I have the genes.

J was dying to go to the bathroom at the MOMA today. We walked through a shit bubble (honestly who farts like that in a crowded Magritte exhibit?) as we exited and J assured us: I am holding mine.

When V looked like was pooping in the car, I asked him if he had (hiciste caca?). V said: I am making farts.

M to me: I spoke to papi and he said this was okay but I wanted to check with you.
Me: Okay.
M: When I am 18, can I have an 11:30pm bedtime?
Me: Sure.
M, elated: Will it be gradual or will I like wake up when I am 18 and have a bedtime that went from 8 to 11:30pm.
Me: Gradual. Honestly when you are 18, I will not be able to tell you what time to go to bed. I will have bigger fish to fry.
M: Like if I can go to a movie with my boyfriend?

M to F: Your ipod is totally ignorant.

Vermont Lines

V has recently decided to make a Santa voice and to tell people what they are getting. In his thick voice, he tells A: You want a princess? Behave! After interrogating him further this is what he/Santa is bringing different people: Baby M: a sculpture, E: an octopus, abuela S: medicina, abuela I: medicina, Me and tía C: a necklace... to be continued.

When I asked V if the monster (his meltdown) had left: Yes, someone was not listening to me.

V when M said: None of your business to him: I am learning about it.

In car, V to A: Are you happy?
A: No.
V: Why?
A: Because I am mad.
V: Oh.
A: I said, I am very mad!

J trying to spend abuelo R's money at the bookstore: What the hell is tax?

A: Why isn't (baby) M talking to me?

Me to J: You can skip shower
V to me: I am going to skip bedtime. And I am going to skip piano.

J (and others) still refer to the midgets as "the babies." A inquired: What babies?

A, as she resisted me putting her to bed: I am going to sneak downstairs and surprise papi!

J as we left for Vermont: Is this summer vacation?

J: Is being a parent hard?
M: What do you think?
J: No, all you do is drink coca cola.

Recently....

V on the toilet: My poop is very crumbly and A's is a very good brown.

J to his home-schooled friend: You should go to my school. Do you know where I got my muscles? (pause) My school. Do you know where I got smart? (pause) My school!

M told me that V said "fuck." When I asked him what he said: I said M is a bad girl. My dad (who I was on the phone with said), pointed out:  He is naughty, not stupid, he is not going to repeat it.

J: I just cracked my wiener.
Me: I do not think you can crack that.
J: Well then, I got a cramp.

M on our project playground across the street: MLK playground? The name does not fit; there are always people cursing in there.

After I tried to explain what a saint is, J: So abuelo R can be a saint?

V: A(friend from school) has two houses.
A: Me too, I have one in Miami.
V: Me too, I have one in Philadelphia.

J to a subway poetry slam artist: You are cool!

Lines....

V under the covers: V is gone. You are missing one kid.

V after I had said "tu tía de Italia está acá": I want to see tu tía

J when I thanked J for not tattling on M: I was protecting her with the power of trust.

Me: ¿Quién es mi amor?
V: Thank you.

M: Well then Santa stinks!

V, all the time: I am a woman!

M to J: I will be waiting for you in my grave.
J: Heaven?
M: No, that does not exist.

M to J: By the time you get everything on your (gift) list you will be 90.
J: No, I will be dead.
M: Exactly.

A, randomly: Shhh. Santa is coming.

Me: I look nothing like (baby) M. People might think I am her sitter.
J: You are too old to be a babysitter.
Me: I am not older than L (she is 53).
J: Yes you are!

¡Feliz Cumple!

Happy happy 18! Please vote and don't smoke. Te quiero mucho mucho. Hard to believe you will be in college soon. xoxo

Recent Lines

V to A: I am going to get you a new kitten next time for a treat.
A: No, get me a lollipop and a candy bar.
V: Me too, I want a candy bar.

V on a neighbor's toy gun: I want a turn with the drill!

A: V is not going to come to by birthday.
Me: Yes, he is. You have the same birthday.
A: No, we don't.
Me: Who is older?
A: Me. I am older.

V in bed with us: J has lots of hair. Papi don't have hair. Papi should get more hair. Does papi have hair this am?

A: You are in the mamá seat.
Me: No, this is the passenger seat, there is no mamá seat.
A: Yes there is. You are in the mamá seat.

A to V on the street: Do not jump or the neighbors will get angry.

V to me as I got dressed: Who gave you those petetas?

V singing to himself: My penis, my penis, I have a very big penis, my penis is longer!

Haircuts!!

It has been a week since my midgets got their first haircuts. I was shocked at how happy V was to sit (so still) and have his locks chopped off- he never mentioned his old hair again. A was a bit more hesitant to sit in the chair at the barber shop (each hair cut was a whopping $10!) but walked away with a cute bob. I am still mourning the loss of V's long hair. Everyone seems to think he is super cute with his new generic do (think pudgy boy) and of course he is but... I miss my little long haired boy. Guess what? People still say "what cute girls- are they twins?" There are so many firsts... this time around, they are last firsts and lasts are harder to swallow.

Twodler Humor

V to himself: You have to focus!

A to L: I am Sally and V is Nick and you are Cat in the Hat!

me to A: Can I have a bite?
A, with bagel in mouth: When I am finished.

V to me regarding my classroom: This is a beautiful room

A to V: I am not being impatient.

MoJo & AleVit Lines

M: I am so well potty trained. I could not have an accident if I wanted to.


A: I want cockcorn.
V: Me too, I want cockporn.

M: It is funny how your body is trained so you do not fart or burp in front of people but you let it all go at home.

M: That is the worst part of birthdays. Thank you cards.

A: I want some Thomas (hummus) on my chips.
V: Me too. I love Thomas.

M and J disagreeing while playing 20 questions...
J: But super heroes do exist!
M: No, they do not.
J: Well I think they do, so this is hard for me.

M: Do you think you could stand it? To have one more kid?

M: What are the religious backgrounds in our family?
Me: Well, papi's family is Catholic.
J: You mean athletic?
Me: No, Catholic.
J: That does not mean anything. You mean athletic.

9!!

Cannot believe you are almost in the double digits. 9 years ago today I became a mother. Hard to believe I felt busy before then. May you continue to grow and love people and books and swim and snuggle. You are my first true love. Que los cumplas feliz!!

Twoddler Comments

A: Mamá, I am younger than you!

V: Mamá, why I love you?

V: I am totally not tired.

Backlog of Lines

J to me: You get to do whatever you want.

A playing with lever she made with fork and food: I have to focus (she was making glasses with her hands)

V on (poorly cooked) pasta: It is too hard. Rough. Not good. (M verified that he was right).

M when I told her F would not be happy with how dirty I got his phone: He just ran 26 miles, I think he can handle cleaning his phone.

Me to A: Did you like swimming?
A: S(the teacher) is my best friend!

V to A: Are you mad? I am!

V to A this am: Give me a hug!

M when she saw a man with a Superman costume on Nov 1: He is so yesterday!

J: Are you going to be a singer in my band? Or be in a puddle?
M: I want to be a doctor.
J: That will take a million years to be a doctor.

J: My life is terrible because I have the meanest teachers and people are always bossing me around.
M: Life is not perfect.

M when I asked her if she knew why they were punished (no snack for throwing out part of their dinner): You are doing it so we have a vague idea of being hungry. People struggle and a piece of bread is like a miracle.

M: If the rich gave a lot of their money to the poor- then it would be fair- we would all be middle class.

Little Trixsters

Last Friday F and I went away from the night. I warned tía D (thank you for caring for the monkeys!!) that getting them down was hard, that they wake up mad early, that sometimes A pees through her diaper etc etc. Well, these went to bed early and with NO hassle and slept until... are you ready?.... 8:15 am. WTF? This is like saying noon. I do not think they have ever broken the 7am mark. The best part? They did not ask for us even once! On Saturday they took a step further and went into the pool ALONE after weeks of BS (one of us getting into the pool with them). So, I guess I am happy and sad. My midgets are grown grown.

Happy Anniversary!!!

12 years married. Almost 18 together. Almost 24 that we have known each other. Happy anniversary amore. Happy first to T& M!!!

Lines

J, when asking for dessert: I just want something delicious to bring my taste buds up.

J while wearing my vest: You have an indoor pocket!

M: Gym was torture today. I did not know I was such a couch potato.

J: When your nose grows, do you get bigger morning mocos?

M: I have been through many of (tío) D's girlfriends and I like them a lot.

J: Papi, you are a good man. Will you play?

J to me when I asked him (as always) to walk faster: You used up all my energy pulling me like a kite.