Comic Relief

V's French teacher laughed as she told me he told her I was born outside of Paris. When I asked him about it, he said: I told her that when I was a baby.
Me: You said that to her today.
V: Some of the stuff that comes out of my mouth is fiction.

M looking at a gift F got me: Is that gold?
J: We're not rich!

V: Scientists never say no.

V: Can we move to the Hampas when Trump is president? I hear that is nice.
Me: Bahamas?


J: Can I bring a dog to the gym with me to go on the treadmill?

When I told M to sleep "estiradita" on her birthday so she could grow: Wait, does that work?

Kindergarten wrote a letter to Trump with their wishes.
A: Be nice to Harry Clinton and give her a job.
V: Be nice to nature and be a good man.

A: Can F be mine when I am older?
Me: He will be a big kid too.
A: Oh.

V looking at toys in a store window: Can Santa hear us?
Me: No.
V: Okay, mamá can I have.....?

V looking at A's compressed writing: She smothered all her sight words.

J: If you don't feel any love will you die?

V: You can get lost if you zigzag around the world.

Tonight

V: A said I am the worst brother she ever had.
Me: Not true.
V: And I am your only brother.
A: Actually, I have three.
V: Not of this kind, we are twins. So if I am the worst brother you are the worst sister.

A through tears and melodrama: We are not taking a bath together. I cannot handle him and he cannot handle me.

V: Maybe Trump will give a nice speech. Give him a chance mamá.

Talking about getting gifts ready for M's birthday, V: Mamá, I need a lot of diamonds in a box.

Some Levity- HELP US

A: I hate this family!
V: You cannot get a new family so I wouldn't say that.
A: Who knows!

V: Do you know that Trump won and he's going to be president until I am 10?

V to L: Did you vote?
L: No.
V: Wait, did you vote for Trump?
L: No,
V: Did (her husband) vote? Did (her daughter)?
L: No.
V: That is against the law.

Last night, my personal pollster (V) erroneously told me: Harry Clinton has like 150,000 votes and Trump has 10.  (maybe he meant in NYC?)

More

V to me: I can read your mind. You love me super much.

While we were discussing man-made versus nature, V: Bras are woman-made.

V: Jesus is deaf right?
F: Who said that?
V:J!

V; I just wish I was an angel.
F: Why?
V: They don;t do much and they have bows and arrows.

V to F: When you are a grandpa, I will still recognize you, because you will still be bald.

A: Are radios still alive? Do they still exist?

V: A for president! (she has a t-shirt that says that:)

Me: That's a yarmulke. A kippa.
V: Keep what?


As we dragged ourselves with bags to the car, me: I should have brought the drycleaning!
V: You brought enough okay?

V to J: Your brain is made of pesto.
J to V: No, your brain is made of pesto.
V: I don't think so, we are not twins.

Me to A: Why are you screaming?
A: That's what my body does.

J on a mother who gave her 12-year-old a phone and an ipad and her 5-year-old a kindle and an ipad: She's so nice!
M: Or maybe she just wants them to shut up!

Political Commentary Continues

V: Poop is never going to win.
Me: Who?
V: That's Trump's real name!

A: Just so you know he walked into a girl's dressing room.

A: Harry is blue and Trump is red.

V: I would love to never leave you.

This Week

A- You think you are a cool big boy but you are a dumb baby boy.
Me- Who are you talking to?
V- Me. I told her we are twins so whatever I am she is too and we are the same age :)

M to V: You are smothering him. He doesn't look happy.
V to F: F, blink if you hate M.

A: Does he (F) know what a butt is? He has one so he must.

 J, walking on the street: Humans have destroyed so much.

M: Little kids know how to whip and nae nae and dab. What have we turned this generation into?

Me to V: I spoke to your teachers today and they gave me a great report.
V: What did they say about my behavior?
Me: That you were working hard to listen.
V: No, I mean my behavior.

V: When the church bells ring does that mean G-d?

Little Somethin'

V- This family should work together and be nice to each other!

A- Every day is earth day :)

V after asking me what those big buildings were: I am going to live in a project. I'm only going to have 3 or 5 dollars.
M- You may want to live somewhere else.
V- Okay, I am going to live in Africa. A place with no wars.
Me- That is a place with a lot of wars.
V- Okay, I'm going to be a New Yorker and be running all day.
A- I'm definitely living in California.

M- When Trump farts, it smells like sun tan oil.

V- Voting for Harry Cliffin because Bernie is not in the game. How do you get out of the game?
A- Obama drama. Vote for Trump, you live in a dump, Vote for Obama, you live in the drama.

These Kids

V while practicing piano: What is the "o" with the hashtag?

V on the monkey bars at school: Oh shit! (this led to his teacher giving him a time out while trying not to laugh)

A excited about a new hand me down: This is a Jewish coat.
Me: Do you mean British?
A: No, Jewish.

V to F: You and me are kids. And brothers. Best brothers.


M getting ice cream: Sprinkles are overrated.

A trying to bust into M's room: We are sisters. I can still see your privates. I don't care!

V to L: F ate this weekend. Don't get too excited.

Words of Wisdom

V to A: You always tease me. If you tease me, when I grow up I might not treat you the right way. You should stop.

While eating breakfast, V: Trump is not going to win.
Me: How do you know?
V:Because he is a racist.
Me: Who told you?
V: J
Me: What does that mean "racist"?
V: He says words that are mean.

BIG Weekend

My almost 5 month old had the weekend of a lifetime. He went to his first zoo and met a donkey, tried food for the first time(yams!), and went to his first swimming lesson! He did not make a peep and he stayed in the teacher's arms for the full half hour splashing and kicking. He had never even been submerged in water as most of his baths are sponge baths. I am very lucky to have such an easy happy baby. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

We DID it!

We made it through our first week of school. I barely had any of my classes due to transition week for the younger students. I did not tutor a soul (nobody has gotten bad grades yet) and most after school activities have not started. But I am beat. Maybe old? Maybe uninspired? I feel silly paying someone to take care of little f. Someone should be paying me to hang out with him. He is so sleep trained that we do not see each other AT ALL. He is in da crib by 7:30pm and does not wake up until some time between 5:45-6:45am. He nurses and then goes back to sleep. We are like ships that pass in the night.

I cannot remember what I have and have not shared of (mostly V) quotations so please pardon any repetitions. Here we go:

When I asked V about getting in trouble: No, I did not. Ms J and I had a meeting in the cubby room about not talking during meeting.

When I asked again the next day: Today was good. I did not get in trouble. Well, except for one thing with the paint.
Me: What thing with the paint?
V: Don't worry about it mamá.

J and I were arguing because he wanted to take communion in chapel at school and he said: But I love Jesus (and I puked in my mouth a little).
Me: Fine. But you are still not taking communion.
J: And when I am thirteen, I am going to have a Bar Mitzvah.
 (as you can tell we are doing a stellar job with the religion thing)


More soon...

Welcome to September!

And we are off! Sad to write but I am back to work tomorrow. I have never been less enthusiastic but I am hoping that once I am there I will get back into the swing of things. We are on night three of "ferberizing" little F and so far (knock on wood) so good. The first night we had to take V out of the room because he was crying more loudly than his brother. He could not stand that we weren't "helping him" and I felt his pain. F was on duty all night and had to go into the room for two one hour stretches. Last night little F cried for 15 minutes at bedtime and then BAM slept 10 hours straight. We shall see what tonight brings. With all of the anxiety about going back to work I doubt I will sleep much anyway. It is amazing that a few nights ago I was nursing him for hours and hours at night and had him in my bed and he is already adapting to being independent. Little F!! Someone should pay me to spend so much time with him.

Some ZIngers

V: I hate Donald Trump. Is Harry Kliffin president yet?
Me: Who?
V: The girl!

While discussing Bill Clinton and his notorious affair, M: Did she work at the White House?
Me: Yes.
M: Was she in his closet?
Me: You mean cabinet:)?

V: I swear to G-d!
Me: Don't swear to G-d.
V: I swear to G-d and death and hell!!


J: It's a squirrel!
(tía) H: No, I think it's a chipmunk.
V: It's not a chipmunk, chipmunks sing!

A: Should I marry a coke or a water or a person?

(tía) E: What do your farts smell like?
V: I never fart.
(everyone laughs)
V: I didn't say I never farted. I said I THINK I never farted!

Back Blurbs

I have been remiss in posting lines from the past few weeks. Here are some highlights:

V: I'm gonna live in Miami so I don't need to sign up for college.

V trying eggplant parmigiana: I love this salagna!

A looking at a woman leaving the park with 5 children: She has so much childs.
Me: Just like us, five.
A: Yeah, but she has a baby.

A: I was stretching and then I realized I had so big muscles.

V to F: Do you know who I am? You must definitely should.

F caught V kissing F's penis and told him not to. V: But I love all of him!

M: I don't like using nail clippers. Scissors are better. You always have to edit with clippers.

V (can't remember context): Run for your life! You are in AMERICA.

J: Yeah. Babies are definitely worth it.

V: This is the worst family I ever had.

V on A when they grow up: I don't even know where she is going to work!

V: When I was a kid did TV exist?

A on little F returning him to me: I don't do crying.

V: What do you call a three humped dino?
V: Pregnant!

Me: How do you know about snapchat?
M: I have friends!

A on a hike at the top of her lungs: I HATE nature! I HATE bugs!


??: Happy ever after is over. Wish we could have a happy moment.

A trying to convince me to ring a friend's doorbell as we walked by her house: Fresh DirecK does it- they just ring.

J: Is it worth having the child? All of the stress? I'm only having two.

M in the car when I told her we weren't stopping: I think it is illegal if they don't feed us lunch.

V: Did it hurt when (little) F came out?
Me: Yes.
A: But she is used to it.
V: Did you cut his ptitín off?

August Part I

V: Do we really have a baby?
Me: Yes- there he is.
V: I want to see what he looks like when he grows up.

V: What do you call a three humped dinosaur?
V: Pregnant!

V to crying F: Don't panic

V angry with A: Then I am never going to play with you. Have a good luck. Have fun with nothing.


V: I love (mini) F with all my heart.

A: Does (mini) f know he is a human?

JULY!!

A: Do you think I am hairy? I am going to get more hairier.

V talking about the kiddie pool: I want to go to the cat pool.

Me: You are behaving like angels.
V: Angels do not sleep.

Me: Why didn't you sing your favorite song (played at a concert)?
V: I was nervous.

M: Do you know what this called (a halo)?
V: Angel top?
V looking at Gwen Stefani: I think she has a mask on.

V: Do you remember when Buster ate chicken food and he got chicken pux (no typo)?

J: It would be sad if you went to heaven and I went to hell.

A: Is champay (champagne) British?

A: I think when I grow up I am going to be a British English Italian Spanish French girl.

A: I will be okay if we go to a place that speaks British.

A looking at F getting out of the shower and pointing to his "love handles": I can see your muscles that make you so strong!

V:  A lot of bad news happens in NY.

11

You are over 11 weeks old now. Hard to believe that your big sister is 11 years old. I remember pre-blog, when I used to type a journal online and I noted that J was 2.5 months old and M was 2.5 years old. As they say, it keeps on going faster and faster. Right now you are in turbo needy mode, one of these "leaps" as they call them. It involves fussing and crying all day long unless you are literally on me or eating from me. You only nap if I lay next to you (not so convenient) and you make me pretty cuckoo. I had an MRI today for my knee today and it was a mini vacation despite the loud noises and claustrophobia. I know I will even miss this in a few months and years but right now I am sore and tired. I do not think my hernia wound is healing right but who knows- I am not taking the pain meds and you are constantly on me, so that does not help. Here's to a smoother July. M at Songa and J in MIA- miss my monkeys!!

July Musings

A: I like F how he is right now. I did not like him how he was before.
Me: How?
A: No eyebrows or eyelashes.

F to J: I am sorry to hear that you guys gave mamá a hard time today.
J: Well, it's not my fault if mamá decided to have five children.

V: Do grown ups do wet farts?

V to A: Just let me handle him (F).

V: Is it possible for a slug to get to California in one minute?

J: I think we should have another baby.
A: No thank you.
Me: No we are done. And six is an even number.
J: have seven!

V: Is it hard work making babies?

A, out of the blue: This is crazy! Everyone in my class has light skin!


V: I love him (F) so much, I won't forget him when I am dead.

A: How important is F? Super important.

J: Did your tetas used to be normal?

He Scoots!!

I put little F down on his Play mat belly down .... I heard him grunting as I tried to do something in the kitchen ...less than five minutes later he had traveled off the mat and across a considerable portion of our rug. crawling at 2.5 months? What the? We are in for some serious precocious motoring. All of our kids were on target or on the late side.

JULY!

V trying to soothe F: Okay, whatever, I quit!

A, scooting by me: Hey mama, yo sexy!

A on more than one occasion: This is the cutest baby on earth! F and.... what's my baby's cousin's name again?

V to me: Listen punk!

V: It doesn't hurt to die, it's peaceful. Before I get to one hundred and a half I am going to kill myself.

V: Is death a power? When I'm a hundred I am going to shoot myself.

J looking at an obese kid: I don't want to be mean, but is that kid going to have a heart attack?

V: This noni smells like money.

V: Is g-d dead?

J: What is anus?
Me: Your butt hole.
J: What's an anus crime?
Me: Heinous crime?
J: Yeah.


V: Can Santa get arrested?