Final 2015 Lines

V: When I am an unaccompanied minor I am going to scream: Coca lola when I get on the plane!

Me: Get your fingers out of your mouth.

V: I'm sharpening my teeth!

As we discussed what was nature and what was man-made on a little Vermont hike:

Me: What about the stream?

V: Man made- broken pipe!

Me: How about you?

V: Man made and woman made.

V: I want to be in JK forever.

As the word Jewish came up, I asked A if she knew what it meant. Confidently:

A: It means married!

V: Where does G-d live?

V: Who made nature and the whole world?

December II Lines

We saw a random religious plaque on a tree and A stated matter of fact: Squirrel information center.

V when he saw a kid's room in PA (one of F's former colleague's sons): Can you take a picture of his room and show Santa? I want everything in it.

V asked a classmate/friend who is an only child with a single mom: You don't have a dad?
Kid nods.
V: Me neither!
When I told F the story in front of V and said I thought the solidarity sentiment was sweet V said: Papi, I still love you.

V: We won't be having the baby, we will be throwing it away.

V: Can our birthdays be separate? I don't want my party with A.

V: Can I have a snack?
Me: You ate a lot. You are going to explode.
A little while later...V: Can I have a snack, something that won't make me explode?

40- Oh Well

So now I am 40. I know it is a huge number and allegedly life changing event but I kind of feel the same. I was taken aback when I saw "Happy 40th" in a book that my sister dedicated to me- I had a momentary lapse where I did not know who it was for or thought it was an error. But I guess overall I am okay with being 40. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and my body is already falling apart but I am fortunate to have fairly good health, a great family, an awesome boyfriend, and the chance to be a mother again. Here we go into decade number 5. Yikes!

December Lines

V: Can I have my wallet?
Me: No.
V: Money is not a decoration.

J: When I get my bearded dragon and it dies, it won't be a a hopeless sad death. It will have a proper death and I will give it a mini tombstone.

J: I know what I will spend all of my luxury on. I will have a toy machine in my back yard. How much do those cost? Will you look it up?

When I told J I had to go tutor: Can't you try to go on a game show to win a lot of money? It could change our lives!

V to F as they were putting away toys: You don't need to hold it. Actually, can you leave? You didn't even brush your teeth!

These kids have a very good sense of smell like moi. I was wearing a hand me down from my friend, their art teacher and A remarked: You smell like art class!

V remarked that the pope (a picture on the subway) looked just like abuelo r's business partner. I said. well that guy is much younger and heavier and super Jewish.
J: The pope isn't Jewish? I thought he was!

V: Tom quit.
Me: What?
V: From Tom and Jerry. He got arrested for crashing his car and now he quit. They need a new actor.

A, when I offered her grilled cheese: Why do they call it "girl" cheese?

A: I think I have a handkerchief in my mouth?
V: You mean a canker sore?
A: Yeah (turns out she has another tooth behind a baby one a la shark)


Doing the rose and thorn game:
V: My thorn is that in a couple of weeks everyone is going to die
A; That is a gigantic thorn!

A: Only Idene is coming? No! That is not Thanksgiving- it can't just be one person

V: How do you say, can you please leave now?
Me: Why?
V: Because I want to practice my Spanish and I want her (Idene) to stop breathing on me.

V: He (character in a book) doesn't like kissing ?
That is silly. Without kissing there is no love and he cannot be made.

Wednesday Lines

A: What does torture mean?
(I give her a cursory explanation)
A: How does Taylor Swift know that girls do not like to be tortured?


V: Do sticks (crutches) in your armpits hurt?

V: I am going to buy a rodent at Chuck E. Cheese!

J: I want to be a security guard.
Me: Dream bigger.
J: I want to work at a diner so I can eat bacon every day. Or own a toy store so I can take as many toys as I want for my kids. Or a dream job could be a gym teacher.


J: I am not going to buy a house. I am going to live in an RV.
Me: How will your family fit in there?
J: I will live in my wife's house and the RV will still be mine!

JK Stars

When I was recently brainstorming with V for his G list (it is G week!) it dawned on me that he has no idea what that means.

Me: It is in a zoo. Guh guh
V: guh guh elephant!

Me: I am thinking of a small fruit. Guh guh
V: Apple!
Me: Gray-
V: Grayberries!

V: How about crap?
Me: That is rude and a c word.
V: Butt?
Me: Also rude and a b word.
V: Mud? Crud?

As part of Thanksgiving, each child makes a wreath decorated with words that describe what they are thankful for. A wrote:

eating, blueberries, my family, my friends, swings, when my dad makes soup, dress up, rainbows

Would YOU Rather???

V: Would you rather be glued to the bottom of your bed or stuck in a drop of blood?

J: Would you rather be rich but bald or have a clown wig stuck on your head?

V: Would you rather be stuck in a chimney and when Santa comes down his butt is in your face or get hit by a car and die?

¡11!

How can it be? We love you so much and you are so big on this 11-11. Stop growing. Stay 11!. Hope you enjoyed your frozen hot chocolate, your Family Ties box set, and your purple bean bag chair. You will always be our number one. LOVE LOVE LOVE. ¡Feliz cumple frupi!

Recent Lines

V when I hugged him goodbye: You are my dream.

A to V: You are peach and I am brown. I don't like peach skin.
Me: You do not tell people you do not like their skin color.
V: I am a light light brown.

New terms by V: Holy nuts!, What in the city? (used as WTF?)


V to his parents: Where did you find me?

Vh to J: What is your favorite subject in school?
J: Recess!

V on Marriage and more...

V: Holy nuts!

V: Can you unbutton my shirt so I can show my muscles?

A getting on the elevator: It smells like the mean teacher in here!

A and I were laughing because we had a yawning attack together and V said: I heard the baby yawn too!

When I was trying to put V to sleep he yelled from his bed into the hallway: Is the baby sleeping?

V out of the blue walking home: When I am older I want to get married but I don't know who to marry, there are so many girls.
Me: You do not have to worry about that- so many will want to marry you.
V: Why? Because I will still have my muscles?
Me: No, because you will be funny and nice.
A: I want to get married.
V: No, you can't. You are my sister.
A: You need a a tie or a bowtie.
V: No, that's not for me.
A: Mamá, give him a handsome shirt.
Me: You are only 4, you do not need to think about this now.
V: Can I choose her right now? I saw pretty girls in the entire city!

V pointing to a sign like the one below: Mamá, is that what your heart will look like when papi gives up?

Baby Comments & More

V: How do you dress the baby in there?
Me: I don't.
V: It is always Maked? (yes- I let him say it with an m because I love it)

V: When you pee does the baby's pee come out too?
Me: No.
V: So all the pee is inside?

V: You are going to get bigger and bigger and bigger and KABOOM, the baby will come out.

A: Do you have milk in your tetas?

At least two people: Did F know about this plan? Does he agree? (this makes me think of Rick Moranis is Parenthood and his wife making holes in the diaphragm)


My boss: We have not had a chance to talk about your astonishingly wonderful news (not sure if she meant the opposite)

V: Before I was alive were there other people alive?

V: When I am dead will there be other people alive still?

Happy 14!!

It was 14 years ago today that Sargent Pepper asked his band to play. Not really. While our wedding anniversary is not as important to me as the actual number of years that we have been together (almost 20!!), it was a delight to come down to flowers and chocolate and a beautiful and funny card. I am so happy to have you as my number one boyfriend in my life. I hope that one day we can settle down and have a family. Thank you for being a wonderful partner and a man I admire in the interim. Your number one fan, P.

V's October Lines

V to art teacher in the elevator: You are an artist!
Teacher: Who are you?
V: I am V, kid.

V on pregnancy: Your belly is going to get bigger and bigger and bigger and then KABOOM.

V's list for Santa as dictated to M:

Water guns
Big rocking chair
Button
Fake cardboard computer
Trucks
Transformers
Blue Hair Stuff
Shells
Gum pack

When I asked for some clarification, he does indeed just want a big button to press that makes noise and his own collection of seashells. When I asked what the single most important item was from the list, he of course said: gum pack.

V as I tried to explain to him that my bed was not his bed and that I do not want him to sleep on it:
I was born on this bed, I am going to live on this bed, and die on this bed.

Hit Me Baby One More Time!

Unlike Britney, this ain't no oops. But yes, we are INSANE in the membrane and have embarked upon our fifth, and final baby project. I am 12.5 weeks along and have begun to tell people so here we are. My funny-things-my-kids-say blog will revert back to a hybrid pregnancy and kid blog. I am large and in charge and while many of our nearest and dearest had reactions that were less than favorable or ideal, on the most part I have been surprised and relieved at the amount of enthusiasm and support. Sure, most of these people think we are nuts and would never consider having so many kids, but some seem genuinely enthused (or bewildered). We figured... you only live once. We would never regret having a kid but we might regret not having one more. Unless you are an artist or an architect or a philosopher, what do we really leave behind? I never met a kid of mine I didn't like and I never once regretted having so many siblings. What better gift to MoJo and AleVit than one more delinquent? This singleton will of course fuck up our nicknames/pairs thing as well as the 4 perfectly spaced out portraits that we finally hung in our bedroom but... life is messy.

Some of my favorite reactions (these will remain anonymous so as to protect those with no filter old and young alike):

You are not pregnant I hope!

You lied to me.

You are fucking nuts.

Jesus Christ! 5?!!

(just an eye roll and silence)

Well, they are yours to raise.

You are a couple of scoundrels. Are you crazy? You can't be serious! You are happy about this?

I am proud of you!

This is the best birthday present ever!*

Wait, we are doing it? Having a baby?*

NOOOOOO! I don't want it.*

No, it is going to knock over my structures.*

An accident of course but a happy one? **

Unplanned of course! **

Okay. So you did not plan this right? **

* spoken by one of my kids

** here is a tip: asking someone if they planned to get pregnant is a little like asking them what sex position they used (i.e. none of your fucking business)

This question, given my age and the number of kids I have, is going to be recurring and I imagine the equivalent to "Are they natural twins?" "A boy and a girl? Are they identical?" and a whole lot of other dumb and invasive questions from the last time around. But for those of you who must know, here is a little TMI. Since I am not very good at too many things, I will boast of this not-that-useful-talent that I have. When I decide that I might want to have a baby***(and never on any other occasion in my 23 years of being sexually active), I "try" and then it happens on the first shot. I thought we were very lucky and or fertile in the past and that this time would most likely disappoint. But nope, not only was this not an accident, it was planned to the day. Okay, my talents end here. I am going to not be myself for a while and not get as frazzled or agitated by the 1000 things that can and do make me lose it. I am a privileged and happy pregnant person for the fourth time and I will enjoy it all since this is really it (I am now too old for my aspiring surrogate career too). May this pregnancy be great, the delivery easy, the breastfeeding (the worst!) forgettable, and may this crazy mamma keep her shit together. For 6 more months. And then 18 or so more years. YEE HAW.

***(and F is in agreement of course)

Some Lines

Me: I will come back in a little while.
V: What you mean is never.

A: How do people get alive?

Me: Do you want to stay for rest today?
V: I want to be a little kid so I don't even have to go to school.

V while his teacher read a story where a ghost climbs a fence: He is going to hurt his nuts!
Teacher: What do you mean?
V: His wiener.

Me: What kind of a big brother are you going to be?
V: Invisible so I can hit the baby.

A: Do kids turn into grown ups?
Me: Yes.
A: No! I don't want to!

J to M: This is our start over point.We need to be on a no curse word diet for the baby.

V: I want to be a baby again so nobody is mean.

V on a homeless man yelling nonsense: Is he telling jokes?

V: When I grow up I am going to be old and die. I don;t want to die.

V: If a person does not have a name can I call him "person"?

V The Realist

F: I am going to miss you! Are you going to miss me?
V: Yes. But also, I am little bit happy because I am going to sleep in your bed. In your spot.

V, after A spelled her name for someone: My name is L-O-V (he signs in to school with a V, writing his name is an elusive task).

V to F: I need the wire for my (fake) laptop. You can find it at Chuck E. Cheese or at dot.com

V: I do not need to learn to read in pre-school. I can go to ABC dot com.

October

V to A: Come outside with me on the balcony. It is dark and kind of scary but I will protect you.

Us to A: Please stop farting in the car. Please hold it.
V: Or, you can save it and fart upstairs where no one is.

Me in the car to A: Did you fart?
A: No.
Me: What is that smell?
V: New Jersey.

A watching Beyoncé dance: I think she's not a person, she's a robot.


V: Why is there skin under the skin of my penis?

A: One day everyone will die.
M: That is called the apocalypse.

J: I want to eat junk and have an evening.

A to her teacher during snack: Can I have some Booty Puffs (Pirate's Booty)?

AleVit

A to an admin assistant in the hallway: You don't know my name do you?
Said woman: No, I don't.
A: I knew it!

V to someone who asked him how chess was: The worst!

V to F about soccer: It was not real soccer- they did not give us trophies! (Clearly this is a genetic problem- the skewed view of extracurriculars)


A to V: We are mini grown ups V!

V to A: I don't want to play with you!
A: Ever again?

V: I can't make friends! Everyone is busy and I can't.

Monkey Talk

In the cafeteria a few minutes ago V summons me over: Mamá! They treat us like rats here; the food is so bad and they are so mean!

Lest you think he be truthful- after a fun weekend of camping (he told me he wanted to camp every day) when his teacher asked him how his weekend was, V replied: It was the worst weekend of my life!

On the way to camping: If you take off your fingers, you cannot pick anything up.

When Pink came on the radio I said to F: Your girlfriend is singing.
V: You have a new girlfriend? You gave up on mamá?

V: Why don't dogs get any money when they lose teeth?

V was going nuts having a hard time pooping. He told me I had to take him to the doctor. When he was done yelling J asked : Is he done constipating?

V to L: I need a new babysitter. I love you and I like you but I need a babysitter who does everything I say and gives me candy every day.

A passing a cheesy clothing store: Can I go in here and check out the clothes?

V when I offered to play with him: You are too big to play. I want to play with my best friend A.

V's Comments on "Day" 1

And by day I mean 30 minutes from 11:30-12pm. Hanging out at school/Starbucks/library/nurse's office with me, F etc. They were aching to get to "school" and were disappointed to get so little so late.

Last week V ran into my boss's office and started banging on her keyboard. I told him that was where kids who misbehave go.
Today, waiting in the hallway: Is that where the bad girl's office is?


At morning meeting: When is graduation?


Waiting to go in: Are they going to give me lunch in there? Breakfast?
Me: No.
V: Then why do they have an oven in there?