J's Next Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,
Could you, next christmas, give me a robot that looks like R2D2 and gives me whatever I want? Please, Santa. And make it have wheels on the bottom to move a mote control that makes it do stuff and transform.

(Can't blame him for trying)

Cab Conversation with J

I wish the statue of livery was a boy.
Why?
Because girls can make boys but boys cannot make anything. Not babies. Not pasta. Not anything.
Oh.
They could put a girl under the statue of livery for when the boy one cracks.

Hallmark, M Style

Individual notes M wrote to classmates (just found a pile by the keyboard):

J a best friend to remember

Julers (nickname?) always active, love M

m a very delightful friend to have love, M

C a houndfull (there is a dog sticker included) of fun love, M

Poop and Wipes and Tampons

Bodily fluids, hygiene etiquette, all of this goes on the window when you have four children. The strangest thing happen. For example:

1. I found an unwrapped tampon under M's pillow.

2. J just yelled at me from the shower "there is a wipe on lamp!"- translation: he found a piece of wet wipe in his butt while showering and threw it up in the air, without a care, and it stuck (thankfully it was poop free) to the light fixture on the ceiling in the bathroom.

3. Last week I went to the bathroom and almost had a heart attack when I went to flush- there was a small shoe, in the toilet, courtesy of a midget.

4. Last week J found a tiny tooth in the bathtub (maybe M was playing with J's tooth pillow?)

5. I left my house last week and remembered that I left a diaper, full of poop, on the coffee table. I came home to L holding the diaper and looking at me strangely.

If any of these things have happened to you, please do share.

Today's Comments

M: What's really sad is that kids in NY start to say "it's none of your business" more often.

M (to J): I wish you were not born a delinquent.

J: Does break dancing burn up the calories?

J: This whole life I am being ignored and being rude to. This is the worst day of my life, even from when I was a baby. Like you (me), for example.

Sometimes I wonder if J learned English on another planet. I also wonder how closely related he is to the third Michael Keaton clone from Multiplicity. Remember him?

Recent Comments

J: You said you are not my butler anymore.
M: I can't quit. Remember?
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M: My favorite person is C and my favorite man is papá.
Me: That's nice
M: You are my favorite adult (nice try).

After M said that J was her favorite kid, J: Oh, really? You hardly be nice to me.
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After nobody returned our calls inviting them to the park and/or movies, J: Grown ups have manners but they do not use them.
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M on her notebook with spy information: I have lots of books of agents but this one is particular to this specific mission to find this spy.

I Give Up

Now I look like Morticia Addams with a crazy hair cut. While the grey hair was super white and did possibly make me look old, I got used to it. Now I have hair that looks smothered in black shoe polish. It looks, and is, fake. Damned either way. This neater, darker, artificial look requires maintenance, which means I will now go through months of color awkwardness (rivaled only by the year ahead of length weirdness) before I can get back my old old look. "Why is your hair white if you are young?" a kindergardener asked me last week. "Because that is how it is naturally", I told him, educating one child at a time about their teachers's and mothers's tinted locks. Now I do not even have that as a come back.
PS Thank you to my hair stylist F, who did his best, and did tell me that liked it either way (not that he could say otherwise and live, given the hairy situation I am in:)) PPS I guess this is what I guess for following a senile woman's advice.

Senior Service

What a week in community service. I sadly missed Street Squash for the second week in a row, but I happily got to go to the nursing home twice. Every Thursday one upper school homeroom gets to skip eucharist and go to the nursing home. This week I went with the 6th graders and they were great, conversing and mingling with the elderly. The seniors there do not live there, it is like day care and they get to go home every day. One woman in particular, her name is Casey, strikes me every time. Maybe because her eyes remind me of my grandmother's, maybe just because she is so confused, but I am drawn to her every time she is there. She is kind and small, smiles a lot, and repeats herself. On Thursday we chatted a lot and I thought she was sort of following, despite her clear intermittent disconnects with reality. She told me I looked like an "old maid" with white hair and suggested that I color it so that my hair could match my young face. I am stared at every day and hear comments every other about my grey hair. Hers did not bother me because she was trying to be nice and because well, she is 80 and senile, and she has these sad blue eyes. On Friday, a little over 24 hours after the first visit, I took my fourth grade trimester class to do nail care with the seniors. Some of them cringe when they hear about it. Sure, it is uncommon to touch old people, boys are not usually into nail polish, but it always turns out swimmingly. Fourth grade nail care was fabulous as always. It makes me want to cry when I see the kids running around to get remover, different colors. I saw Casey and went to speak to her. She did not remember me and asked me lots of questions that indicated that she was more confused than usual. I dyed my hair today, in fact, I need to go wash it out now before it falls out. I am not sure if Casey will care, but I cannot wait to show her on Thursday.

Recent Comments

M about A after she pointed to a dog when we were talking about dogs: She is getting to learn how to use her brain
J: and her powers.
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J: My heel is getting rusty (dry skin), I do not want to get old.
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J after I told him to stop making noise on the bus: For the 100th time, it is not banging, it is drumming.

Blogged Up

Yes,I have about 6-8 posts that I have been meaning to post but I got blogged up. I will try to catch up soon, but for now I leave you with some quotations:
V- No! (with many possible tones and innuendos, always appropriate for whatever I am saying).
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M: Out of all the children in America, do you think I am in the misbehaved or the behaved group?
then:
Compared to how I behave, I think you are very patient.
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I bet it is harder being a parent than being a child.

Smothered But Happy

Ok, so you cannot see their faces and the picture is out of focus (obviously or it would not be on the blog), but can you feel the love? I went in the room and stuck my hand in to feel them and could only find one head. I freaked out and then noticed that he was underneath her. V eventually complained and moved, but when they fell asleep last night, they were as close to each other as possible with A using V as her love-y. I love it.

Wednesday Calm Wednesday

After auction mania, father in law visit, and sleep training gone wild... I now feel better. V was so nice to me that he did not wake up until 6:15 (versus crying from 4:45-5:45am yesterday). Yes, you know you have a problem when 6:15am is sleeping in. I think my stern threat as I held his cheeks and kissed him good night may have worked. I finally bought a second pair of baby sneakers (spending money on baby shoes makes me crazy) but it did seem unfair that they had to share the only normal and practical pair of shoes. Bt was getting annoyed at me. When I put them on V's feet last night, he started to tap dance, which was pretty funny. He loved the noise. This morning as we turned on 100 St and CPW he yelled "duck" and looked longingly at the park. Yes, this is not really impressive or interesting, but it makes a mother think her child may be a genius. The same way that A, once a mute scrawny midget (now a tall dexterous semi-mute), winning all of the AleVit battles (she will bite him to take his bottle) makes me smile. They are always together, sleep as one (stay tuned for the first ever PHOTO of this, coming soon), and they smile at each other as if they had not seen each other in days when I bring the second baby out of the crib and into my room for a diaper change. They are quite the duo. Lunch duty calls. More later.

Yesterday

J to M: Picking your nose is a dirty habit.
M: You do it too.
J: I stopped today.
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Me to J: Do you remember who the first person was who knew I was pregnant?
J: Yes, me.
Me: What did you say?
J: How many babies do you have in there?
Me: How did you know I was not just fatter?
J: Ladies don't be fat.

MoJo The Delinquents

Me to J: What are you doing?
J: Checking out my boobs. My man boobs.
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M: Being the oldest sucks.
J: That is why I  am the littlest kid.
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J to M about someone who was rude to her: I am going to learn her a lesson and smack her in the face.
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M: I am a New Yorker New Yorker.
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M (not sarcastically) : Are all parents as nice as you?
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J: Money is for buying toys when you are a grown up.

M's Take On It

M to A: Get into your crib. Get into your habitat

M; Why do I need to go to bed before you?
Me: Because the whole day is about kids and then I need time to recharge and not to kid stuff.
M: But you barely do any kid stuff.

Conference Day

is tomorrow. I already did MoJo's and I do not have any appointments, so I should be able to use the morning to organize my classroom, prepare for next week, and wrap up loose ends for the auction. This week has been non-stop and with Saturday packed with swimming, J's music lesson, the arrival of my father-in-law and the auction, there is no immediate break in sight. All kids are well. M put this sign up, in the hallway, by the official listings of afters school activities. She cracks me up. J is into karate and nervous for his May 4 operation. A and V crack each other up and while V is obsessed with saying "this is" and slamming doors, A is equally obsessed with hanging bags (or pants or shirts) on her neck and walking around model style. Off to bed, those 97 bidsheets took a long time to make!

J's Morning Thought

Cat Stevens and Justin Beaver should be friends. They are both animals.

Recent MoJo Lines

Me to M: Can you stop playing with money? It is dirty.
M: Why don't you wash it? At least the coins you could wash.
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Me to J (for S week): Who has an S name in our family?
After many clues he names abuela.
J: That is not her name though. It is Abuela S so that does not count.
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M to F: Why do people steal?
F: Because they do not want to work, they want to get money an easier way.
M: Crime is a job. Being a robber is a lot of work.
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M to J as V ran towards the Harlem Meer (body of water near our house): I would jump in to get him. I would risk my life for him.
J: Me too.
Me: You do not know how to swim.
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Homestretch

15 live items, 95 silent, one done catalog. Can I get a high five? All I need to do now is have it formatted and sent to families, make the 95 bidsheets, set up the tables, make sure there is food, that people come and spend at least 20K and I am ALL SET. BT auction is exhausting, but I must admit, quite satisfying to do. Maybe this skill will come in handy in the future. M's conference is at 7:50am today (J's was yesterday). I have 6 classes, followed by killer PT (was sore for a week last time I went), tutoring on the UES, run home, see/feed/bathe kids (two different people bringing the two teams home), run back to BT for meeting, out to dinner. Ah, I can almost taste that wine.

J Expands Upon His Deep Understanding of Familial Relations

I am going to marry V.
Can you marry your baby brother?
Me- No. You cannot marry your older brother either.
J- Why? I love him so much.

J's Deep Question During Lunch

Out of the blue, looks at F and asks: Who is your mother?

Hate Note

I walked by the hairdresser today and left him one. It said something like "I know you think you made me look better or more fashionable but I hate layers, will have to wait YEARS for them to grow out and feel ugly." I actually was not that mean. I did suggest that he never again give someone a hair style without her approval. I do not feel or look better but I could not resist. I am tempted to shave my head.

2 Apology Notes From Rowdy First Graders

M.s. Epsten
Im sory for being bad in Spanis clas. I promis I will soper doper not do it agan. I wis I will neva do it agan. Love T.
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Dery Ms. Epsten we are so sarre we will nevr do it agan. cane you frigifus. Hav a god wecand.
Love S.



FRIGIFUS is just genius!

Oh Yeah, Now I Remember

why I FUCKING hate going to get my hair cut. I learned my lesson. Mark my words dear readers, I will NEVER go to a place to cut, blow, color etc my hair. Every fucking time I go I regret it. Besides the obvious waste of time and money, I always always always feel assaulted by the hairdresser. He/She is unable to accept that I do not want a style, that I do not want to color my hair. It is insulting and uncomfortable and degrading. I ran into a place to wash and blow dry my hair in an effort to look nice for a school fundraiser tonight. I left livid, $50 poorer and with a horrendous haircut. I agreed to trim it when he insisted that it would be fast and make my hair healthier. Without my noticing (he had all of my hair up above my head), this fat tacky fuck cut several layers into my hair. I now look like a chandelier. Along the way he insulted me and asked me if I was pregnant (the second person to do so today) and if tat was the explanation for my unkempt white hair. Do I offer free unsolicited advice to people I deem to be aesthetically inferior to my tastes? I cannot remember the last time I was this mad or felt this ugly. What a disappointment. One thing that made me feel better was when he consoled me by saying that all the celebrities have this haircut, that all I had to do was open a magazine to see so. Do I look like a celebrity to you, I asked? Now I know why I feel the way I do about beauty treatments.

Recent Journal Entry

Please excuse the photography and lame ass layout
but appreciate the drawings and funny musings of M's brain.

Recent Lines

M on the auction item she wanted me to bid on: So instead of wasting our precious money on the stupid menu we can let him (her classmate) pay for it so he is paying for my bid. I asked him what kind of food he would choose and I like the foods he does so he can pay for it.
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M: Did humans start with a baby or an adult? I do not believe that Adam and Eve simply started the lify cycle. Nobody made nature. G-d did not make nature. He is a nice guy in heaven but he did not make nature.
J: Mother nature made nature.
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M on NYC: It would be wonderful if people did not litter. It would also be great if they used nature more in the city, like if they used dirt for this road (broadway) and sand for the sidewalk. Sand is more beautiful than cement. Cement is gloom.
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M: Did you know that there are only two things in nature that were meant to be eaten? Honey and milk.

Today's Lines

M: I left hoarding behind, now I am obsessed with organizing. I am going to organize the whole house!

J: Do not cut my nails, just shave them.

M to J: Do  you know what I miss about you? When you were little, when you were three and two and one, you were not so rude to me.

First Blood. Boo Hoo.

Yesterday at the playground A bled for the first time. It was very sad and very dramatic. V was already crying after having hit his head and as I consoled him, A fell and bit her tongue (which is perennially out of her mouth). I could not tell what was bleeding at first because she was crying and smearing blood and tears and snot all over her face and my shoulder. The most amazing part of this whole experience was the lack of  help. The playground was FULL of people. Dozens of parents, each with one or two kids, and not a single person approached me as I carried two crying babies, one covered in blood, over to the other side of the playground to get the other two monkeys. Once I had them both in the stroller and had cleaned her face and we were leaving, a man came over to see if I was okay. I think I was pretty unfriendly to him. Thankfully A's tongue bled a lot but only for a little time and it was only a cut and not a lost tooth or something worse. It is comforting to know that should I ever have a bleeding ambulance like emergency in the playground that nobody will care or help. Very nice.

V Heard A

V had the baby monitor in his hand as A's wailing came through the speakers. Chi é? asked F? F, who never believes me that V says anything, witnessed for himself, V saying "Alela" as he looked at the monitor. Not only can he speak, but he may be a genius. Can you tell that I am his mother?

Poem by M

M (name)
Funky. Creative.
athletic. Smart
Daghter of F and V
lover of
family
fears goblins
feels stressed
often. Would like
to see lady
Gaga in person
Dreams of
living in

the Philipines.

Feliz Cumple

I thought it was my grandmother's birthday today and even wrote it in my planner. Then I realized it was my grandfather's. He has been dead for ten birthdays already but I still miss him. I look at my chubby short son with blond hair and cannot help but think it is some Julio shining through. Those peasant Russian genes, breaking through past the stronger darker ones. How funny for me to have a blond son. Feliz cumple Julio!

Recent Lines

M to me as I kissed her goodnight: You know you are growing a moustache?
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J to me re lunch: I want hamburgers.
Me: We do not have that.
J: It's easy, get two round pieces of bread and go to Target to get the meat.
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J while exercising: I can't do it, my muscles are gone.
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M when I told her to keep it down yesterday morning: That's dumb. Why do people want to sleep in because Jesus died?
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M: I do not believe in Jesus or that he came back alive.
J: I do.
Me ( to myself) : Good job mamma.

Hut, Hut, Hike!

First time at the playground with four walking children! It's a real challenge to follow two midgets, who go in opposite directions, constantly try to eat sand, steal scooters, and climb on dangerous structures. When I pried two sandy apples (not ours) from A's hands, I was horrified to see that she had one in her mouth! This was quite a preview for the summer, especially since I was not even alone with the four monkeys and I could barely sit down. My throat hurts and maybe my ear too. Ouch. Too tired.

Feliz Cumple!

que los cumplas querida A, que los cumplas feliz.

And Wednesday Is Here!

I am not sure why I cannot get back into blogging. I have seen a ton of films and do not get around to writing about them, many things happen every day, and it all just slips away. I may be out of practice with this back to school schtick. Monday was a full full day. My responsibilities as the community service person have expanded now into finding recipients for 3 floors worth of school furniture, as we are renovating a third of the school this summer. The logistics of this are stressful. After school I tutored by school, ran back to get MoJo, took Mo to gymnastics and food shopped with Jo while we waited. Gymnastics is on 73 and Broadway. We hopped on the train back home, I made dinner and then turned around to go to 73 St!! to tutor. Tuesday was no better, as I went to PT (he was sooo hard on me) and then to the East side to tutor (65 St and Fifth) to then go back to school to get big kids, home to make food, bathe etc. The real doozy of the week was today however. After taking midgets to BT, I ran to the East side and could not, mental block, find the school I was going to to see my sister perform. Apparently the UES is like the Village because not one dumb ass I asked knew what he/she was talking about. As I ran across the street a woman tried to have a fight with me "That is my cab!" she yelled as I told her to f herself as I was just running, not plotting to steal her preferred mode of transportation. Made it to the performance. Excellent. You should dance more C! With twenty minutes to spare, I ran into the market to buy J's class snack. Why the hell did I sign up for Q week? Okay, Quaker snack bars and queso had to do. After a full day of teaching I had to cancel tutoring to go to a meeting. When I got to the meeting I learned that it had happened the day before. Nice work! I went to a baby/wedding shower at school instead. Market with MoJo. Home to cook for some school event tomorrow, see all kids, bathe etc. That brings us to today. Oh, I forgot to mention that I banged out the twenty-one page catalog for the auction in the quiet moments. Most amazing of all this week.. V walks like a pro! WTF? From hesitation to confidence and long distance in a matter of days. Go V go! They both say "car" and "ball" a lot. Not that interesting. V has a nice "mamá!" going as well. Off to collapse!

MoJo Lines

J: Are grown ups a kind of kid?
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J: Do rich people have to pay?
F: Of course, everyone pays.
M: No, they get more money back when they buy things.
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M: I think you are going to want to put this one in your blog.
(she then proceeds to ask me to sign a piece of paper, cuts it out and sticks it onto a a contract like document she wrote up)
Check back tomorrow to see what I signed (versus what her father signed!)

The Week That V Walked!

All of a sudden he walks. He does strange squats and stretches to the side making it infinitely harder at times, but the fatty bombatty can walk. Yay! Or maybe it was better when only one was so mobile...