Final 2015 Lines

V: When I am an unaccompanied minor I am going to scream: Coca lola when I get on the plane!

Me: Get your fingers out of your mouth.

V: I'm sharpening my teeth!

As we discussed what was nature and what was man-made on a little Vermont hike:

Me: What about the stream?

V: Man made- broken pipe!

Me: How about you?

V: Man made and woman made.

V: I want to be in JK forever.

As the word Jewish came up, I asked A if she knew what it meant. Confidently:

A: It means married!

V: Where does G-d live?

V: Who made nature and the whole world?

December II Lines

We saw a random religious plaque on a tree and A stated matter of fact: Squirrel information center.

V when he saw a kid's room in PA (one of F's former colleague's sons): Can you take a picture of his room and show Santa? I want everything in it.

V asked a classmate/friend who is an only child with a single mom: You don't have a dad?
Kid nods.
V: Me neither!
When I told F the story in front of V and said I thought the solidarity sentiment was sweet V said: Papi, I still love you.

V: We won't be having the baby, we will be throwing it away.

V: Can our birthdays be separate? I don't want my party with A.

V: Can I have a snack?
Me: You ate a lot. You are going to explode.
A little while later...V: Can I have a snack, something that won't make me explode?

40- Oh Well

So now I am 40. I know it is a huge number and allegedly life changing event but I kind of feel the same. I was taken aback when I saw "Happy 40th" in a book that my sister dedicated to me- I had a momentary lapse where I did not know who it was for or thought it was an error. But I guess overall I am okay with being 40. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and my body is already falling apart but I am fortunate to have fairly good health, a great family, an awesome boyfriend, and the chance to be a mother again. Here we go into decade number 5. Yikes!

December Lines

V: Can I have my wallet?
Me: No.
V: Money is not a decoration.

J: When I get my bearded dragon and it dies, it won't be a a hopeless sad death. It will have a proper death and I will give it a mini tombstone.

J: I know what I will spend all of my luxury on. I will have a toy machine in my back yard. How much do those cost? Will you look it up?

When I told J I had to go tutor: Can't you try to go on a game show to win a lot of money? It could change our lives!

V to F as they were putting away toys: You don't need to hold it. Actually, can you leave? You didn't even brush your teeth!

These kids have a very good sense of smell like moi. I was wearing a hand me down from my friend, their art teacher and A remarked: You smell like art class!

V remarked that the pope (a picture on the subway) looked just like abuelo r's business partner. I said. well that guy is much younger and heavier and super Jewish.
J: The pope isn't Jewish? I thought he was!

V: Tom quit.
Me: What?
V: From Tom and Jerry. He got arrested for crashing his car and now he quit. They need a new actor.

A, when I offered her grilled cheese: Why do they call it "girl" cheese?

A: I think I have a handkerchief in my mouth?
V: You mean a canker sore?
A: Yeah (turns out she has another tooth behind a baby one a la shark)


Doing the rose and thorn game:
V: My thorn is that in a couple of weeks everyone is going to die
A; That is a gigantic thorn!

A: Only Idene is coming? No! That is not Thanksgiving- it can't just be one person

V: How do you say, can you please leave now?
Me: Why?
V: Because I want to practice my Spanish and I want her (Idene) to stop breathing on me.

V: He (character in a book) doesn't like kissing ?
That is silly. Without kissing there is no love and he cannot be made.

Wednesday Lines

A: What does torture mean?
(I give her a cursory explanation)
A: How does Taylor Swift know that girls do not like to be tortured?


V: Do sticks (crutches) in your armpits hurt?

V: I am going to buy a rodent at Chuck E. Cheese!

J: I want to be a security guard.
Me: Dream bigger.
J: I want to work at a diner so I can eat bacon every day. Or own a toy store so I can take as many toys as I want for my kids. Or a dream job could be a gym teacher.


J: I am not going to buy a house. I am going to live in an RV.
Me: How will your family fit in there?
J: I will live in my wife's house and the RV will still be mine!

JK Stars

When I was recently brainstorming with V for his G list (it is G week!) it dawned on me that he has no idea what that means.

Me: It is in a zoo. Guh guh
V: guh guh elephant!

Me: I am thinking of a small fruit. Guh guh
V: Apple!
Me: Gray-
V: Grayberries!

V: How about crap?
Me: That is rude and a c word.
V: Butt?
Me: Also rude and a b word.
V: Mud? Crud?

As part of Thanksgiving, each child makes a wreath decorated with words that describe what they are thankful for. A wrote:

eating, blueberries, my family, my friends, swings, when my dad makes soup, dress up, rainbows

Would YOU Rather???

V: Would you rather be glued to the bottom of your bed or stuck in a drop of blood?

J: Would you rather be rich but bald or have a clown wig stuck on your head?

V: Would you rather be stuck in a chimney and when Santa comes down his butt is in your face or get hit by a car and die?

¡11!

How can it be? We love you so much and you are so big on this 11-11. Stop growing. Stay 11!. Hope you enjoyed your frozen hot chocolate, your Family Ties box set, and your purple bean bag chair. You will always be our number one. LOVE LOVE LOVE. ¡Feliz cumple frupi!

Recent Lines

V when I hugged him goodbye: You are my dream.

A to V: You are peach and I am brown. I don't like peach skin.
Me: You do not tell people you do not like their skin color.
V: I am a light light brown.

New terms by V: Holy nuts!, What in the city? (used as WTF?)


V to his parents: Where did you find me?

Vh to J: What is your favorite subject in school?
J: Recess!

V on Marriage and more...

V: Holy nuts!

V: Can you unbutton my shirt so I can show my muscles?

A getting on the elevator: It smells like the mean teacher in here!

A and I were laughing because we had a yawning attack together and V said: I heard the baby yawn too!

When I was trying to put V to sleep he yelled from his bed into the hallway: Is the baby sleeping?

V out of the blue walking home: When I am older I want to get married but I don't know who to marry, there are so many girls.
Me: You do not have to worry about that- so many will want to marry you.
V: Why? Because I will still have my muscles?
Me: No, because you will be funny and nice.
A: I want to get married.
V: No, you can't. You are my sister.
A: You need a a tie or a bowtie.
V: No, that's not for me.
A: Mamá, give him a handsome shirt.
Me: You are only 4, you do not need to think about this now.
V: Can I choose her right now? I saw pretty girls in the entire city!

V pointing to a sign like the one below: Mamá, is that what your heart will look like when papi gives up?

Baby Comments & More

V: How do you dress the baby in there?
Me: I don't.
V: It is always Maked? (yes- I let him say it with an m because I love it)

V: When you pee does the baby's pee come out too?
Me: No.
V: So all the pee is inside?

V: You are going to get bigger and bigger and bigger and KABOOM, the baby will come out.

A: Do you have milk in your tetas?

At least two people: Did F know about this plan? Does he agree? (this makes me think of Rick Moranis is Parenthood and his wife making holes in the diaphragm)


My boss: We have not had a chance to talk about your astonishingly wonderful news (not sure if she meant the opposite)

V: Before I was alive were there other people alive?

V: When I am dead will there be other people alive still?

Happy 14!!

It was 14 years ago today that Sargent Pepper asked his band to play. Not really. While our wedding anniversary is not as important to me as the actual number of years that we have been together (almost 20!!), it was a delight to come down to flowers and chocolate and a beautiful and funny card. I am so happy to have you as my number one boyfriend in my life. I hope that one day we can settle down and have a family. Thank you for being a wonderful partner and a man I admire in the interim. Your number one fan, P.

V's October Lines

V to art teacher in the elevator: You are an artist!
Teacher: Who are you?
V: I am V, kid.

V on pregnancy: Your belly is going to get bigger and bigger and bigger and then KABOOM.

V's list for Santa as dictated to M:

Water guns
Big rocking chair
Button
Fake cardboard computer
Trucks
Transformers
Blue Hair Stuff
Shells
Gum pack

When I asked for some clarification, he does indeed just want a big button to press that makes noise and his own collection of seashells. When I asked what the single most important item was from the list, he of course said: gum pack.

V as I tried to explain to him that my bed was not his bed and that I do not want him to sleep on it:
I was born on this bed, I am going to live on this bed, and die on this bed.

Hit Me Baby One More Time!

Unlike Britney, this ain't no oops. But yes, we are INSANE in the membrane and have embarked upon our fifth, and final baby project. I am 12.5 weeks along and have begun to tell people so here we are. My funny-things-my-kids-say blog will revert back to a hybrid pregnancy and kid blog. I am large and in charge and while many of our nearest and dearest had reactions that were less than favorable or ideal, on the most part I have been surprised and relieved at the amount of enthusiasm and support. Sure, most of these people think we are nuts and would never consider having so many kids, but some seem genuinely enthused (or bewildered). We figured... you only live once. We would never regret having a kid but we might regret not having one more. Unless you are an artist or an architect or a philosopher, what do we really leave behind? I never met a kid of mine I didn't like and I never once regretted having so many siblings. What better gift to MoJo and AleVit than one more delinquent? This singleton will of course fuck up our nicknames/pairs thing as well as the 4 perfectly spaced out portraits that we finally hung in our bedroom but... life is messy.

Some of my favorite reactions (these will remain anonymous so as to protect those with no filter old and young alike):

You are not pregnant I hope!

You lied to me.

You are fucking nuts.

Jesus Christ! 5?!!

(just an eye roll and silence)

Well, they are yours to raise.

You are a couple of scoundrels. Are you crazy? You can't be serious! You are happy about this?

I am proud of you!

This is the best birthday present ever!*

Wait, we are doing it? Having a baby?*

NOOOOOO! I don't want it.*

No, it is going to knock over my structures.*

An accident of course but a happy one? **

Unplanned of course! **

Okay. So you did not plan this right? **

* spoken by one of my kids

** here is a tip: asking someone if they planned to get pregnant is a little like asking them what sex position they used (i.e. none of your fucking business)

This question, given my age and the number of kids I have, is going to be recurring and I imagine the equivalent to "Are they natural twins?" "A boy and a girl? Are they identical?" and a whole lot of other dumb and invasive questions from the last time around. But for those of you who must know, here is a little TMI. Since I am not very good at too many things, I will boast of this not-that-useful-talent that I have. When I decide that I might want to have a baby***(and never on any other occasion in my 23 years of being sexually active), I "try" and then it happens on the first shot. I thought we were very lucky and or fertile in the past and that this time would most likely disappoint. But nope, not only was this not an accident, it was planned to the day. Okay, my talents end here. I am going to not be myself for a while and not get as frazzled or agitated by the 1000 things that can and do make me lose it. I am a privileged and happy pregnant person for the fourth time and I will enjoy it all since this is really it (I am now too old for my aspiring surrogate career too). May this pregnancy be great, the delivery easy, the breastfeeding (the worst!) forgettable, and may this crazy mamma keep her shit together. For 6 more months. And then 18 or so more years. YEE HAW.

***(and F is in agreement of course)

Some Lines

Me: I will come back in a little while.
V: What you mean is never.

A: How do people get alive?

Me: Do you want to stay for rest today?
V: I want to be a little kid so I don't even have to go to school.

V while his teacher read a story where a ghost climbs a fence: He is going to hurt his nuts!
Teacher: What do you mean?
V: His wiener.

Me: What kind of a big brother are you going to be?
V: Invisible so I can hit the baby.

A: Do kids turn into grown ups?
Me: Yes.
A: No! I don't want to!

J to M: This is our start over point.We need to be on a no curse word diet for the baby.

V: I want to be a baby again so nobody is mean.

V on a homeless man yelling nonsense: Is he telling jokes?

V: When I grow up I am going to be old and die. I don;t want to die.

V: If a person does not have a name can I call him "person"?

V The Realist

F: I am going to miss you! Are you going to miss me?
V: Yes. But also, I am little bit happy because I am going to sleep in your bed. In your spot.

V, after A spelled her name for someone: My name is L-O-V (he signs in to school with a V, writing his name is an elusive task).

V to F: I need the wire for my (fake) laptop. You can find it at Chuck E. Cheese or at dot.com

V: I do not need to learn to read in pre-school. I can go to ABC dot com.

October

V to A: Come outside with me on the balcony. It is dark and kind of scary but I will protect you.

Us to A: Please stop farting in the car. Please hold it.
V: Or, you can save it and fart upstairs where no one is.

Me in the car to A: Did you fart?
A: No.
Me: What is that smell?
V: New Jersey.

A watching Beyoncé dance: I think she's not a person, she's a robot.


V: Why is there skin under the skin of my penis?

A: One day everyone will die.
M: That is called the apocalypse.

J: I want to eat junk and have an evening.

A to her teacher during snack: Can I have some Booty Puffs (Pirate's Booty)?

AleVit

A to an admin assistant in the hallway: You don't know my name do you?
Said woman: No, I don't.
A: I knew it!

V to someone who asked him how chess was: The worst!

V to F about soccer: It was not real soccer- they did not give us trophies! (Clearly this is a genetic problem- the skewed view of extracurriculars)


A to V: We are mini grown ups V!

V to A: I don't want to play with you!
A: Ever again?

V: I can't make friends! Everyone is busy and I can't.

Monkey Talk

In the cafeteria a few minutes ago V summons me over: Mamá! They treat us like rats here; the food is so bad and they are so mean!

Lest you think he be truthful- after a fun weekend of camping (he told me he wanted to camp every day) when his teacher asked him how his weekend was, V replied: It was the worst weekend of my life!

On the way to camping: If you take off your fingers, you cannot pick anything up.

When Pink came on the radio I said to F: Your girlfriend is singing.
V: You have a new girlfriend? You gave up on mamá?

V: Why don't dogs get any money when they lose teeth?

V was going nuts having a hard time pooping. He told me I had to take him to the doctor. When he was done yelling J asked : Is he done constipating?

V to L: I need a new babysitter. I love you and I like you but I need a babysitter who does everything I say and gives me candy every day.

A passing a cheesy clothing store: Can I go in here and check out the clothes?

V when I offered to play with him: You are too big to play. I want to play with my best friend A.

V's Comments on "Day" 1

And by day I mean 30 minutes from 11:30-12pm. Hanging out at school/Starbucks/library/nurse's office with me, F etc. They were aching to get to "school" and were disappointed to get so little so late.

Last week V ran into my boss's office and started banging on her keyboard. I told him that was where kids who misbehave go.
Today, waiting in the hallway: Is that where the bad girl's office is?


At morning meeting: When is graduation?


Waiting to go in: Are they going to give me lunch in there? Breakfast?
Me: No.
V: Then why do they have an oven in there?

Dregs...

V on his plastic bike to A on her scooter on their way to the park: How about we go next to each other and hold hands and chat about things.

V at the supermarket: Can we please buy this yogurt? It makes the fun never end.

V: You know I never forget. Whatever you tell me I don't forget.

AleVit Thoughts While in the BATHTUB

V: You know why I don't float? Because my butt is fat. A, you are skinny so your butt is small and you can float.

A: Mamá, you can stay in here and do whatever you want. You can pee, cut your nails, make diarrhea.

V:You can't smoke!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVV

V: Even when I was born I always tried to talk but I couldn't.

V at bedtime: When are we going back to our real house?
Me: This is our real house.
V: Why didn't we bring the BONK beds from our house?

V: Do you like babies?
Me: Yes.
V: If we get one, will you love us more than the baby?

V: I am in a bad mood.
Me: Why?
V: Stop talking, it's all your fault.

V: You know what I do when I get nightmares? I take them and squash them and put them under my pillow.

V on LOVE and other midget musings

V to me: I love you like a circle because a circle does not end.
Me: Who told you that?
V: I know it.

Later that day when he heard me sharing his poetic line with tía C (he is very embarrassed when I repeat what he says: That is not how you treat love; don't laugh.

Later when I took a stick away from him: I do not love you like a circle anymore!
Me: That hurts my feelings and makes me sad.
V: Well you made me sad first!

V: Are you going to love me when I am big like papi?
Me: Of course.
V: Are you going to send him away?
Me: No. When you are big like papi I am going to be old and you are going to fall in love with a boy or girl your own age.
V: No, I thought about that but I just want to love you.

J to me in the car after I FREAKED out getting lost: I knew you were not lost mamá, just confused and scared.
Me: Some people are just not meant to drive.
J: You know how to drive mamá, you just have to get experience. In a few years you will be good like papi.

V was play shooting everyone and L in jest said: You are going to shoot me? I can't believe it.
V: That's what best friends are for!

A when I told her she could have a sleepover with her best friend next year since they won't be in the same school: I am too young for a sleepover in New York City!

Sunday Leftovers

V did not really get it. He asked me last night when he was going to graduate again. He says that he thought he was going to get bigger and could not see himself visibly bigger. He also does not understand why he is not going to school NOW. He still asks "Is it a BT day?"

M to me on farts: Mine smell like yours but more gentle.

J on 16 Handles: When I retire I want to work here.

V observing a homeless person: Do people with no houses visit people?

The End of an ERAHHH

Today the mini monkeys will "graduate" from their day care/pre - school where they have been for the last four years. When J graduated I was already pregnant with them but today seems like a more definite good bye as the institution will be moving in the spring. Here are some recent comments on this occurrence.

A- I am beautiful today, just beautiful!

V: I just don't know one thing about your school.
Me: What?
V: I don't know how to write my name.
Me: Don't worry; you will learn.
V: Are you going to teach me?

V- K (movement teacher) says our with the old and in with the new!
A- That means we are getting out of BT and going into a new school!

V to me- Can you sit in the front of graduation?
Me- I do not know if I can get a seat in the front, I will wave to you.
V- You will interrupt the audience.

End of July Boy Lines

V upon seeing a big plate of fruit and cookies: Absolutely awesome man!

V to me: Because you are a big one and I am a little one.

V: Am I still growing?
Me: Yes!
V: Why so slowly?

J, getting home: I need to play; I really need to catch up!

J at a toy store: I want to have the kid spirit and I grown up body so I can buy lots of toys when I am an adult.

Me when I complained to V about sharing a bed with him: I am not kicking you; I am hugging you with my feet.

V on the phone with his father in Haiti: Did you have a good trip? Did you bring kids? (while I am not sure what he was talking about I love that he was asking a polite question and had a notion of why his father was away)

Me: Are you digging for gold?
V: No, boogers.

V: If you eat boogers do you get old?

V: You can't see inside my brain!

July Lines

J: She's (abuela) back from Africa? She must have a tan! Wait, do old people get tans?

V while we had dinner: Mamá, do you still miss me from when I was in Miami?

V looking at J's wart by his arm pit: Why do you have another nipple?

A when J asked her what she had been dreaming: Some crap.

A to me: Why do boys always have penises?

Me to V: Is A your favorite person?
V: Not quite.

J looking at shitake mushrooms at the market: Shit take mushrooms?

J: Women are better fighters because they will like do anything to defend their kids.

J: Oh mamá, I might want to be a dj too.

J: Wait, they sell drugs at Duane Reade?
Me: That means medicine, not illegal drugs.
J: Where do people get drugs?
Me: Illegal places.
J, in shock: Famous people do illegal things?

J: I really hate when people smoke by famous places. If my friend is president, I will make him ban it.
Me: What if you are president?
J: I am aiming for goalie but if I fail I will try for president.

Some Lines

J to me upon his return from a trip: Your hair looks awkward. You should either make it all black or all purple- you look like a teenager.

J looking at a magazine: This is an ad for men who can't handle sex.

A to me when I told her we were having a girls weekend: We can't, you don't have make up.

A another time I told her about it: You are a woman, we can't have a girls weekend.

V: I walked in a forest with BT- true story!

J: Sorry for being like papi and wanting everything.

V:Can you buy me lots of money so I can be rich?
Me: No
V: Can you buy me lots of money for my birthday?

? : I like Sesame the movie, not the bagel.

V was talking about garbage on the street, A: They call that "cochino!"

Me to V: What am I chopped liver?
V: No, you are a piece of work!

Deep Thoughts & Precise Language

A when I told her not to call anyone a liar: The whole city is a liar; American, Brooklyn, California and even New York City!

J: The you are a liar too- you are in NYC.

A: You don't know anything about that.

V on a pelican ride in a playground: It's a zebra- they didn't know how to paint so it looks like a pelican.

V seeing a chess board: I want to play cheddar!

V spotting a kayak: Look! A submarine!

? upon seeing me put part of a tampon up A's bleeding nose: Cotton? Cotton candy?

V: I wish I did not have hands so I did not have to do anything!

Chatta chatta

V to L: I have a serious question. Do you think you are viejita?

V looking at the L button in the elevator at a friend's house: Mamá! They have the same password we used to have in our old house!

V: Do grown ups cry?

J: If I see scenes in my head and then they happen do I have special powers?

J: I know Italian! Pazzo! Cazzo!

V: I don't like my name! I want it to be Mick when I am a grown up!

Me to A: You need a haircut!
A: I am going to ask A (her b.f.) if I should cut my hair.
Me: Why?
F: Because they are married!
A: No,  because she is cool.

M: If Ms R (head of middle school) were my mom, I would rule the school and get an i-phone!

M looking at kids menu: There should be a tween menu. We deserve more fame.

V: Can I borrow your sandwich?

J: I don;t get my body. Did cavemen get zits?

Wacky Words

V: Does a city have an ending?
Me: Yes.
V: Where is it?

A on her friend who is Buffalo: She is in Gruffalo!

Me to V: What am I chopped liver?
V: You are chopped liver's friend!

V: Can I have dessert?
Me: You did!
V: That was my feast, now I need dessert.

J on a woman and man we saw on the street: Are they married?
Me: Not sure.
J: Maybe it is his Beyonce.
Me:Beyonce?
J: Yeah. Before you get married.
M: Fiancee!

A playing restaurant: I have fish!
Me: What kind of fish?
A: The dead kind that comes from the ocean!

A friend: How is (your cousin) M?
A: So far... good.

June Musings

V to L: I love you as long as the sky and the sky has no end but a sidewalk has an end.

J reading corn snack label: There is OMG in this corn?
Me: Do you mean 0 mg of sodium?

J when I told him he was lazy: Lazy is just my habitat!

V to J as they wrestled: I am MISS man. Every time you hit me you will miss!

A to me on a crowded and hot subway: Mamá, can you BLOW me? (prepositions are not her forte)

Not sure which monkey: This is powerful junk on this lollipop!

V to A: Can we lay on the hammock together and talk and have fun?

M: Braces make you look so ugly that when you take them off you think you are beautiful!

Recent Chatter

V to me: Did you grow up?

V to me: Do you want my ice cream? It is vomit flavor.

J to me: When I grow up I want a personal chef for calamari. Can I have a bucket of calamari for my birthday?

V: Me too. I want a bucket of calamari and one of mushrooms for my birthday.

V at swim meet: I am very upset at my shorts. They are making me hot!

A at swim meet: Are they warming up?
Me: Yes!
A: By the way, what is that?

Me: That kid is like a train- watch him swim.
V: All aboard!

V after we left a huge mansion where M's friend lives: I am going to switch families.
Me: Are you getting new parents?
V: No, you will be my mom and J will be my brother and V will be V!

V on Abramovic & Love

Upon seeing this video, V commented:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlf68X2qEpM

They are in a love splash.

They are in s much love that your red goes so red that your face pops like a balloon!

Last Journal Entry for J

Some Chatta

J: I am confused, are you E or DF (he still does not get how we are related and whose last name is what).
Me: What do you think? What do they call me at school?
J: Ms D.F.?


V, during the three hour plus tía A graduation: When will this stop?
A: When is this show over?

Mo' M Memos

Dear mamá,
I am sorry that this morning had to be so rough and tough. It is okay with me if you cancel my plans with abuela s and grandpa. I completely respect and understand your choice about that and the afterschool thing. Thank you for bearing with me this morning and reading this letter.
Sincerely, M
PS Even though today was just a bad day, if you decide to let me go with abuela S and grandpa I will come back a changed person, but if you don't, then I still will be, after school. I don't mean to be rude, but I would have never left my bag at home if you hadn't told me to!
PPS I lost the clip for my skirt please get me a bobby pin!

Apology Notes- Sincere or Messing with Us?

We got these last night after M got in trouble in after school for jumping on the tables in the library with a friend!

Dear Papi,
I am sorry for disgracing this family by outrageously climbing on my school's tables. I realize that there will be consequences and I completely understand and respect that. I will do my best to take action and fix my mistakes.
Sincerely, M.
PS Consequences: punishments if your choice and having to earn back trust for being alone in a room.
taking action by: writing a sincere letter to afterschool counselors and trying to earn back my reputation with good beahvior.

Dear Mama,
I am sorry this has to be in written form. I am sorry to admit that I had the outrageous thought as to climb on our school library's tables and chairs. I realize that I am disgracing you and am very sorry about that.I will try to control myself. I completely understand and respect whatever punishment you and papi choose.
Sincerely, M.

Brotherly LOVE

I went upstairs and saw J and V laying on J's toddler bed (intended for one 2-3 year old) while J read Harry Potter:
V: Why do you like my bed so much?
J: I just love you!

V looking at breaded frozen shrimp at Costco: Can we please buy those chickens with the long nails?

A when I asked her to note how nicely another little girl was behaving on the train: Who are you talking to?

L convinced V to work on letters (her thing not mine) by telling him that he would need to know how to write to tell Santa what he wanted. The next day he told her: I spoke to my mom (false) and she said I do not need to know how to write; she will do it for me.

For My Fan

A to L: This car is $1600!
L: It is too expensive.
A: Okay, 10% less.

J when he heard that I gave L the password to our internet for M to work: You should not have done that. She may be a spy and have been pretending to be a babysitter all this time to get out password!

J on his piano teacher: I would pay $1,000 to have her move to Mexico or somewhere far away.

A: Will papi be back for father's day?

J when I told him he could play fewer piano pieces for an evaluation: You finally figured out that I am not Mozart!

V:Killing is the worst but shooting is even more worser.

V as he eyed the clothes I had for A: Mamá, I am not wearing that dress. Not even rock stars wear dresses!

V: Am I older than A with her tippy toes in boots? Is she taller?

V: Miami is the best place ever!

Catchin' Up on Chatter

J and I were talking about body hair and how he wants to remove it when he is older. I mentioned that his (tío) G had a hairy back.
J: Is that why he is not married?
Me: I don't think so. Most people like hair on a man.
J: I think he is not married because he is not that enthusiastic about people.

V during the school musical, Bye Bye Birdie: Are those people or puppets?

J: When M has boobs are we not going to take a shower together anymore?
Me: Probably not.

V: Do not leave me upstairs. I am allergic to being alone.

J: Nobody is symmetrical. Except Mary.

M: I am scared and excited for camp. I am skited!

J: The world would be better if we did not exist!

L asked V and A to behave for some outing. She told them to leave "silly" at home. When they were out and about V was being wild.
L: Didn't we leave silly at home?
V: Yes, but he has a brother.

A

Observing a picture of Wonder Woman....

I am going to be here for Halloween.
Me: Great. We have the costume (M was the same thing when she was 4).
A: But we do not have the boots. I can wear my cowboy boots.
Me: Good idea.
A: But I do not have bee-oobs! Maybe you can be Wonder Woman for Halloween!

It Be Hard to Post

when you are stuck with a great apartment that you cannot rent and a never ending slew of work.
but here are some one liners so you do not starve to death papá:

A: You have very very very pretty eyeballs mamá.

Me to V: Me estoy enojando. ¿Querés que me enoje?
V: No. I like it when you are happy.

J: I just realized I want to be a fútbol player.

V: When I am mad it is not funny. Do not smile or laugh when I am mad.

M at her first seder: I cannot believe they have to do this every year!

V at his first seder: When do we do the part where we look for the colored eggs?

Me: Do you want a treat?
V: Cockadoodle yes!

J: I am excited for passover.
M: I cannot tell if you are sarcastic.

V looking at an ad at Baskin Robbins: If you eat that, it blocks your heart ad then it is sad but you die.

V: At BT we ear french food.
Me: Fresh?
V: From french but fresh.

Me To J: Tenés un ensayo hoy.
A: A massage?

A, watching Led Zeppelin: Do you want to marry those guys?
Me: No.
A: Your hair is like them.

VVVVVVVVVVVVV

V looking out at the snow, today, March 28: It's about to be Christmas!

V playing restaurant with A and L: You cannot speak Spanish in here. Or English. This is an Italian restaurant.

V when I tried to make movie night exciting (all three other monkeys out on sleepovers): Can I have soda?
Me: No.
V: Beer?
Me: No.
V: Wine?
Me: No
V: Cola loca? I love cola loca, it is spicy!

V after I wiped his butt: I need to poop more.
Me: great. I just cleaned you.
V: I do not need to poop more. I need to let my butt breathe a little.

V to F who was trying to put on his swim camp: Um, perhaps, no!

When I asked if he missed his siblings and if he wanted them to come back: No, I want a dog.

Limited Knowledge

Here are some highlights from the last 24 hours...

V pooped in the bidet (nothing like picking up a turd with your hands).

M slipped into the Lago di Como (I tried hard not to laugh).

J explained ISIS to me: They are like ninjas but very bad. Oh-Rock O-bama blew up their country but they are still angry and bad.

V asked who the skeleton was (Jesus on the cross) in the Castello S'forzesco Museum. After I said "Jesus" and told him he was a popular figure in art but mostly as a baby (in that gallery).. A set out to find "Gee-Liss" all over the museum and then in churches (such as the Duomo in Como). The way she says "Gee-Liss" really makes him sound like a rapper.

V's Thoughts in Italia

As I sit down to write, I hear V fooling around (in bed) and I say: I really want to give papi a good report. Go to sleep. To which this midget retorts: Did you know you are just a mean whale?

V in Venice today: I want to go home.
Me: To the house in Milano or to New York?
V: I want to go back to my original life!

V, as we strolled in Venice: This is not North Carolina!

V when he heard that he was the shortest in the family: I am not small, I am tall. I am the tallest in the family!
Me: Sure. You are as tall as papi.
V: Almost!

Okay okay... here come some!

J to F: I like your genes!
Me: What about mine?
J: I do not know what yours are. Papi's are like mine: he likes shopping, pickles, and candy.

F to J: You should watch me put up the blinds so you can start to learn how to be handy.
J: I don't want to be handy.
F: What about when you get married? Are you going to help around the house and fix things for your wife?
J: I am going to be gay so my husband can fix things.
Me: What if he is not handy just like you?
J: Then I would get another husband.


J: Nonno G has more than one car? Is he a millionaire?
F: No!
J: So he is a thousandaire?

V last night as he came down with croup (good times, he sounds like a dying seal): My brain is not talking.

A: This house is too big. I want to move back to our old house.
Me: Why?
A: Because I want to live with S and J (our former neighbors).

J looking at a muscle magazine: I cannot even get one bump!

As I told J not to worry about getting money, I told him that was my job. J: Is papi part of the job?
Me: What do you think?
J: Yes. But who does more?
Me: What do you think?
J: You. But I am more like papi. We have the same genes for old fashioned cartoons like He-man, shopping, and licorice.

Me to A as she sat in a time out: You are misbehaving.
A, screaming at me: And YOU are misbehaving!

V, as J and F discussed genes: I like your genes too. I like to wear them.

Where to Begin?

Moving has been hard. Exciting. Exhausting. We still have about 20 random boxes and bags (but we started with like 85). My darling children never cease to amaze and insult me. Here are some good one liners. Please note that V has had a VERY hard time with the move. Everything makes him cry (he breaks down before every step- going to school, swim etc) and he recently asked L to take him back to his old house: To stay there foreva and eva eva :(

This am as we discussed the worst part of newborns I said something about nursing to which my darling J quipped: Your breasts are too old!

J under his breath as we practiced piano : I am not playing this shitty crap (lovely!)
When I asked him what he said he replied: Papi always says it!

M on her new room: No offense but I thought I would be lonely in my new room but I am not!

A on her backpack that should stay at school with extra clothes: I need it for when I am 5 (she is constantly planning her 5th party) and for when I go to college.

J when I told him abuelo was in México: I did not know he was the type of guy to go to México.

A when she recognized our "old" hood: Can we go back to our old house?
Me: We can but there is nothing in it.
A: We can move it all back!

When I asked V why he did not want to school as he cried hysterically (I was almost in tears) he said: It is too much fun!

A when I told her boys could wear what they want: They don't wear barbs!

J on adoption: If a kid moves out early from this house maybe we could adopt a baby or a big kid from Africa.

Which is more work? If we got a little one we could share food and he could sleep with me and I would have another little brother and papi could make him healthy with his Unicef stuff. If we do not get to do it then maybe I can do it when I am older....

There are more... to be continued.....

AAAAAHHHHHHH

The days keep passing and I never have time to post. I owe the midgets a 4 year old birthday post!! Yup, the dynamic duo is now 4 and they are soooo big. The other big news is that we are MOVING, making the title of this blog obsolete. Yessiree, we are going to have a 3 bedroom apartment in the hood with a BACKYARD. It is hard to believe. I will have to post more when I am not covered in dust and boxes. I just wanted to note that I have a 10 year old, an almost 8 year old and two 4 year olds!!

Today...

V as went to go see a potential apartment with a backyard: I have been dreaming about having a garden.

V in the cab on our way there: Credit cards are important!

A to me: You are not an actor anymore.

V getting up off the toilet: I forgot to swing my penis.

A- Do you know why I like to draw people? Because I love them. Even not my parents I like to draw them. Firstabble I like to draw A (her buddy)- she is really cute. Secondabble: Do you know why? Because she is little.


V: Can I have another turn at S's (his buddy) house?

Un poquito

A: For Halloween can I be a garbage can?

A to me: Papi is so yummy you want to eat his culito. You want to be jomantic (no typo) with him.

J: I looked up a normal family and it is two parents, divorced or together, and two kids or three and a pet.

? I burped and it tasted good.

Delicate Body Parts

A: You have a big belly. Did you eat?
Me: That is not very nice.
A: You have a beautiful face.

Me to J: Did you shower with soap (after swim)?
J: I only washed my hair a little and my butt but I did not put any soap on my nuts.

II

A on her friend: she does not have any privelets, she is just a kid.
M: Everyone has privates.
A: She does not. So be polite!
M: Yes she does.
A; You are just an ugly person.

M hugging J(!1) and beaming after his concert pieces last night: I am so proud!

M on she and J hitting each other: It is not fighting, it is called aggressive play.

V dancing up a storm: Can I go to rock star school when I am older?
Me: Sure.
V: Do they have it for three year olds?

J on his parents: I am like papi when he was little. He was like ten of me. He was wild and brave and had lots of experience. You (meaning me) were a normal kid who followed the rules. He was more on an adventure guy.

Happy New Year!

J on V: He has a like a one inch vocabulary.

V: We have a lot, calm down your horses.

A to me: Listen to my rules or you don't get any culito!

V: I'm not that naughty.

V: My name is a little boring, so can you choose a different one?
Me: Like what?
V: Any!

V trying to convince me to go to a movie with him (instead of F): But I have more love than papi.

A after eating pizza and cupcakes at a party: Can I have dinner?
Me: You already had dinner. Remember the food?
A: That was not food, that was junk!

V putting a headband on L (as part of their daily dress up and dance parties): You look like Lady Gaga!

J in the music room at school while we practiced piano and he eyed the drum set: My body is urging me to play those drums!

J singing the Katy Perry song "I kissed a girl": I kissed a boy!
Me: She says girl.
J: I know, but I am a boy so I am changing it!

M and J were very concerned and confused when I tried to explain racial tensions with the police, we had just seen a school group demonstrating...
J: I would fire all of the police and put up signs for honest and fair new police!
M: Yeah but you cannot have a day without police. You would have to put the signs up before you fire them.
J: No, there can be a day with no police and then they won't kill any people.

A few minutes later...
J: When is this going to end?
Me: What?
J: The problem with the police.
Me: I don't know. There are a lot of racial problems in this country.
J: I thought MLK solved it (pobrecito- he really did!)
Me: He did a lot but it was just the beginning.
M: People just want to go back to the past.
Me: ?
M: Like ISIS and police who kill black people, they are living in the past.