Last Lines

V: I'm going to be a thief when I grow up.
tío d: Why do you want to be a thief?
V: I don't want to be a thief but I think I am going to be one.

A: Where is J? I need him for conversation!

Wrapping up da year with some midget cheer

Me to V: Someone is going to be very lucky to have you when you grow up.
V: You might get lucky.
Me: I already am. I have papi.
V: You might get luckier. Can you have a husband and a boyfriend?


Greatgrandma to V: ¡Feliz Navidad!
V: It's your birthday?

V: Can we go to a hotel for a special time?

Me to V: What percentage of what you say is fiction?
V: Technically all of it.


A: Has the apocalypse ever happened?
Me: No.
A: But it will happen one day. We only had one world right? So it hasn't happened.

Me in mirror: Look at this muscle!
A: That's just fat!

A: You guys have to start learning to treat people how you want to be treated.

V: Do we have grandkids?

V: Will you always protect me? Even when you are an old lady?

V: All my life, I have been wanting people in this family to treat me like I want to be treated.

V: When you and papi die do I need to take care of (mini) F? Are you barely 41?

A listening to the radio: Is this guy dead? He sounds dead.

J: It appears to me that your second batch of kids is not that smart.

V on xmas eve: I can't go to sleep because I can't stop thinking about you.

Interviews about Papi

What do you like most about papi?

M- That he's very patient.

V- That I love him and he's my dad. And he takes care of me.

A- Awesome of hiking.

J- That he is so much like me.

What do you like to do with papi?

M- cooking

V- I like to go hiking with him and camping with him.

A- Cook

J- Spend time with him!

If you could change one thing about papi, what would it be?

M- That he doesn't lose his temper.

V- I would make him beautiful (me- he's not beautiful now?). No, I mean beautiful beautiful.

A- Make him a boxer.

J- Him fighting with you.

What is papi good at?

M- Drawing.

V- Good at hitchhiking.

A- Hiking

J- Parenting

V the delinquent

V: You are getting older and older and older.

V sounding out letters and thinking up words: F- FUCK, H- Hustle (who is this kid?)

V: Mamá, if I get arrested when I am six will you come pick me up?
Me: You are not going to get arrested when you are six.
V: What about when I am fourteen? Will the police officer tell you what jail I am in?

Me: I heard your swim teacher say your name like one thousand times were you listening?
V: I couldn't hear him.

V: You already look like a grandmother.

A

A, screaming out to me on the street: Mamá, all I want for Christmas, is you!

A: I need your body mamá.

Me: How was your playdate?
A: It was ROUGH.

de-FUK-tive

I am contacting Merriam-Webster to mint this word. A stated that a non-working button on her toy was defuktive this morning. Sounds good to me!

Overheard last night....

M to J: Are you excited or not or in the middle about being a grown up?
J: Kind of both.
M: Me too. I am excited to have my own apartment and be a vegan but  I don't want to live without so many people or pay taxes.
J: Yeah, I want my own apartment but I don't want to walk alone at night on the street.

J: Milk reminds me of heaven.

F my LOVE

no, not the big one of 20+ years, the little guy. He is a true delight (it sounds like a line from one of the reports I am writing). No, really, I could not have asked for an easier and more loveable ball of blubber. I have been meaning to write about him for weeks and time eludes me. He is just over 7 months now and cannot really wear much due to his chubby feet and overall girth. For a while, we could squeeze into 12-month clothes but them feet holes are too small. We have to content ourselves with onesies and pants and socks that fall off. Baby socks do not fit, he wears V's to accommodate the cankles, but those do not stay on overnight.
so how do you describe a baby? he is mostly bald still. Like many of his siblings before him, he goes nuts and starts flapping at the sight of anyone's food or drink. his main dishes are batata, pastina, banana, pear or apple sauce, avocado... we have not branched out too much though he will eat almost anything (mushrooms, brie) if you cut it up for him. sucking on a huge carrot or celery stalk is a good distraction (choking hazard I know). For the most part F is an impeccable sleeper by night (down at 7 or 7:30 and up bt 5 and 7am as of late) and a totally random one by day. Some days he takes three 30 min naps while others he takes 2 2.5 hour ones.
he is nowhere near sitting or crawling but does roll around all over the place. we have eliminated all of his chairs and mats and let him roll around on a blanket. toys are not as interesting as pulling the books off the shelves.
what is most remarkable about little F to me, besides his rolls, is his friendly and patient disposition. where did he come from? with the exception of m, all of his siblings bother him. they poke, pull, smother, and he is content. if he sees one of them in a crowd (think a whole class of kids running down the stairs) he can recognize him/her and squeals with delight.v is the most obsessed with him and i can't remember if i mentioned this before, but a month or so back, f almost jumped out of my arms to hug his crying brother. he hugs and he will kiss you (chin is a favorite spot) with drool and teeth. the boy is passionate and vocal. when he wakes up he usually doesn't cry but rather vocalizes all sorts of sounds as if warming up for a performance.
okay, i am sorry not have posted more and earlier but somethin' be better than nothin'. may the next seven months go more slowly than these.

Love From V & A

V to me: Why you never cut hair on your toes?

A to me: Do you know why I like you so much? Your body is in a perfect shape- not too fat or too skinny. Your clothes smell like (V interjects: sunflowers?) Argentina. You are very pretty (V says: beautiful) and you have a wedding ring with papi and you have dark skin. That is why I love you.

Last November Lines

V crying: She hit me!
Me to A: Did you hit him?
A, realizing she couldn't lie: I'm dead.

After A slapped M I scolded her. A: I didn't slap her. This (bitch slapping herself) is a slap.
Me: Why did you do that?
A: You are lucky I didn't demonstrate on your face.

?: I am compatible with all the elements.

A on her ceramics craze: I want our house to have a lot of stuff made with art.


V: When I am older, I do not want money. So I am giving it all away.

V to J: Your face is a foul.

V on the new "president": He got less points but he won.
A: Life is life.

A: Another name for Harry Clinton is Seck-ah-tery Clinton.

V: I hope Trump makes nice rules.

M when I asked her if  F was sleeping in the car: He is awake now.
A: He was probably faking it.

V: Me and (baby) F are going to be scientists!

V while I rinsed him- Are you mad?
Me- No, I am tired and I think you can wash yourself.
V- Is it hard work? Being a mom?
Me- Sometimes. It's great work.
V- It's perfect... our family.

M- Melania just looks like a piece of surgical plastic.

A's holiday list (this kid be weird) narrated to me

striped shirt and striped boots
penguin stuffie
arrow
emojis
me- what?
emoji balls
bubble gum machine
three toy clouds
one toy sun
one toy bucket
one toy flower
one piece of candy
cream for your face

Comic Relief

V's French teacher laughed as she told me he told her I was born outside of Paris. When I asked him about it, he said: I told her that when I was a baby.
Me: You said that to her today.
V: Some of the stuff that comes out of my mouth is fiction.

M looking at a gift F got me: Is that gold?
J: We're not rich!

V: Scientists never say no.

V: Can we move to the Hampas when Trump is president? I hear that is nice.
Me: Bahamas?


J: Can I bring a dog to the gym with me to go on the treadmill?

When I told M to sleep "estiradita" on her birthday so she could grow: Wait, does that work?

Kindergarten wrote a letter to Trump with their wishes.
A: Be nice to Harry Clinton and give her a job.
V: Be nice to nature and be a good man.

A: Can F be mine when I am older?
Me: He will be a big kid too.
A: Oh.

V looking at toys in a store window: Can Santa hear us?
Me: No.
V: Okay, mamá can I have.....?

V looking at A's compressed writing: She smothered all her sight words.

J: If you don't feel any love will you die?

V: You can get lost if you zigzag around the world.

Tonight

V: A said I am the worst brother she ever had.
Me: Not true.
V: And I am your only brother.
A: Actually, I have three.
V: Not of this kind, we are twins. So if I am the worst brother you are the worst sister.

A through tears and melodrama: We are not taking a bath together. I cannot handle him and he cannot handle me.

V: Maybe Trump will give a nice speech. Give him a chance mamá.

Talking about getting gifts ready for M's birthday, V: Mamá, I need a lot of diamonds in a box.

Some Levity- HELP US

A: I hate this family!
V: You cannot get a new family so I wouldn't say that.
A: Who knows!

V: Do you know that Trump won and he's going to be president until I am 10?

V to L: Did you vote?
L: No.
V: Wait, did you vote for Trump?
L: No,
V: Did (her husband) vote? Did (her daughter)?
L: No.
V: That is against the law.

Last night, my personal pollster (V) erroneously told me: Harry Clinton has like 150,000 votes and Trump has 10.  (maybe he meant in NYC?)

More

V to me: I can read your mind. You love me super much.

While we were discussing man-made versus nature, V: Bras are woman-made.

V: Jesus is deaf right?
F: Who said that?
V:J!

V; I just wish I was an angel.
F: Why?
V: They don;t do much and they have bows and arrows.

V to F: When you are a grandpa, I will still recognize you, because you will still be bald.

A: Are radios still alive? Do they still exist?

V: A for president! (she has a t-shirt that says that:)

Me: That's a yarmulke. A kippa.
V: Keep what?


As we dragged ourselves with bags to the car, me: I should have brought the drycleaning!
V: You brought enough okay?

V to J: Your brain is made of pesto.
J to V: No, your brain is made of pesto.
V: I don't think so, we are not twins.

Me to A: Why are you screaming?
A: That's what my body does.

J on a mother who gave her 12-year-old a phone and an ipad and her 5-year-old a kindle and an ipad: She's so nice!
M: Or maybe she just wants them to shut up!

Political Commentary Continues

V: Poop is never going to win.
Me: Who?
V: That's Trump's real name!

A: Just so you know he walked into a girl's dressing room.

A: Harry is blue and Trump is red.

V: I would love to never leave you.

This Week

A- You think you are a cool big boy but you are a dumb baby boy.
Me- Who are you talking to?
V- Me. I told her we are twins so whatever I am she is too and we are the same age :)

M to V: You are smothering him. He doesn't look happy.
V to F: F, blink if you hate M.

A: Does he (F) know what a butt is? He has one so he must.

 J, walking on the street: Humans have destroyed so much.

M: Little kids know how to whip and nae nae and dab. What have we turned this generation into?

Me to V: I spoke to your teachers today and they gave me a great report.
V: What did they say about my behavior?
Me: That you were working hard to listen.
V: No, I mean my behavior.

V: When the church bells ring does that mean G-d?

Little Somethin'

V- This family should work together and be nice to each other!

A- Every day is earth day :)

V after asking me what those big buildings were: I am going to live in a project. I'm only going to have 3 or 5 dollars.
M- You may want to live somewhere else.
V- Okay, I am going to live in Africa. A place with no wars.
Me- That is a place with a lot of wars.
V- Okay, I'm going to be a New Yorker and be running all day.
A- I'm definitely living in California.

M- When Trump farts, it smells like sun tan oil.

V- Voting for Harry Cliffin because Bernie is not in the game. How do you get out of the game?
A- Obama drama. Vote for Trump, you live in a dump, Vote for Obama, you live in the drama.

These Kids

V while practicing piano: What is the "o" with the hashtag?

V on the monkey bars at school: Oh shit! (this led to his teacher giving him a time out while trying not to laugh)

A excited about a new hand me down: This is a Jewish coat.
Me: Do you mean British?
A: No, Jewish.

V to F: You and me are kids. And brothers. Best brothers.


M getting ice cream: Sprinkles are overrated.

A trying to bust into M's room: We are sisters. I can still see your privates. I don't care!

V to L: F ate this weekend. Don't get too excited.

Words of Wisdom

V to A: You always tease me. If you tease me, when I grow up I might not treat you the right way. You should stop.

While eating breakfast, V: Trump is not going to win.
Me: How do you know?
V:Because he is a racist.
Me: Who told you?
V: J
Me: What does that mean "racist"?
V: He says words that are mean.

BIG Weekend

My almost 5 month old had the weekend of a lifetime. He went to his first zoo and met a donkey, tried food for the first time(yams!), and went to his first swimming lesson! He did not make a peep and he stayed in the teacher's arms for the full half hour splashing and kicking. He had never even been submerged in water as most of his baths are sponge baths. I am very lucky to have such an easy happy baby. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

We DID it!

We made it through our first week of school. I barely had any of my classes due to transition week for the younger students. I did not tutor a soul (nobody has gotten bad grades yet) and most after school activities have not started. But I am beat. Maybe old? Maybe uninspired? I feel silly paying someone to take care of little f. Someone should be paying me to hang out with him. He is so sleep trained that we do not see each other AT ALL. He is in da crib by 7:30pm and does not wake up until some time between 5:45-6:45am. He nurses and then goes back to sleep. We are like ships that pass in the night.

I cannot remember what I have and have not shared of (mostly V) quotations so please pardon any repetitions. Here we go:

When I asked V about getting in trouble: No, I did not. Ms J and I had a meeting in the cubby room about not talking during meeting.

When I asked again the next day: Today was good. I did not get in trouble. Well, except for one thing with the paint.
Me: What thing with the paint?
V: Don't worry about it mamá.

J and I were arguing because he wanted to take communion in chapel at school and he said: But I love Jesus (and I puked in my mouth a little).
Me: Fine. But you are still not taking communion.
J: And when I am thirteen, I am going to have a Bar Mitzvah.
 (as you can tell we are doing a stellar job with the religion thing)


More soon...

Welcome to September!

And we are off! Sad to write but I am back to work tomorrow. I have never been less enthusiastic but I am hoping that once I am there I will get back into the swing of things. We are on night three of "ferberizing" little F and so far (knock on wood) so good. The first night we had to take V out of the room because he was crying more loudly than his brother. He could not stand that we weren't "helping him" and I felt his pain. F was on duty all night and had to go into the room for two one hour stretches. Last night little F cried for 15 minutes at bedtime and then BAM slept 10 hours straight. We shall see what tonight brings. With all of the anxiety about going back to work I doubt I will sleep much anyway. It is amazing that a few nights ago I was nursing him for hours and hours at night and had him in my bed and he is already adapting to being independent. Little F!! Someone should pay me to spend so much time with him.

Some ZIngers

V: I hate Donald Trump. Is Harry Kliffin president yet?
Me: Who?
V: The girl!

While discussing Bill Clinton and his notorious affair, M: Did she work at the White House?
Me: Yes.
M: Was she in his closet?
Me: You mean cabinet:)?

V: I swear to G-d!
Me: Don't swear to G-d.
V: I swear to G-d and death and hell!!


J: It's a squirrel!
(tía) H: No, I think it's a chipmunk.
V: It's not a chipmunk, chipmunks sing!

A: Should I marry a coke or a water or a person?

(tía) E: What do your farts smell like?
V: I never fart.
(everyone laughs)
V: I didn't say I never farted. I said I THINK I never farted!

Back Blurbs

I have been remiss in posting lines from the past few weeks. Here are some highlights:

V: I'm gonna live in Miami so I don't need to sign up for college.

V trying eggplant parmigiana: I love this salagna!

A looking at a woman leaving the park with 5 children: She has so much childs.
Me: Just like us, five.
A: Yeah, but she has a baby.

A: I was stretching and then I realized I had so big muscles.

V to F: Do you know who I am? You must definitely should.

F caught V kissing F's penis and told him not to. V: But I love all of him!

M: I don't like using nail clippers. Scissors are better. You always have to edit with clippers.

V (can't remember context): Run for your life! You are in AMERICA.

J: Yeah. Babies are definitely worth it.

V: This is the worst family I ever had.

V on A when they grow up: I don't even know where she is going to work!

V: When I was a kid did TV exist?

A on little F returning him to me: I don't do crying.

V: What do you call a three humped dino?
V: Pregnant!

Me: How do you know about snapchat?
M: I have friends!

A on a hike at the top of her lungs: I HATE nature! I HATE bugs!


??: Happy ever after is over. Wish we could have a happy moment.

A trying to convince me to ring a friend's doorbell as we walked by her house: Fresh DirecK does it- they just ring.

J: Is it worth having the child? All of the stress? I'm only having two.

M in the car when I told her we weren't stopping: I think it is illegal if they don't feed us lunch.

V: Did it hurt when (little) F came out?
Me: Yes.
A: But she is used to it.
V: Did you cut his ptitín off?

August Part I

V: Do we really have a baby?
Me: Yes- there he is.
V: I want to see what he looks like when he grows up.

V: What do you call a three humped dinosaur?
V: Pregnant!

V to crying F: Don't panic

V angry with A: Then I am never going to play with you. Have a good luck. Have fun with nothing.


V: I love (mini) F with all my heart.

A: Does (mini) f know he is a human?

JULY!!

A: Do you think I am hairy? I am going to get more hairier.

V talking about the kiddie pool: I want to go to the cat pool.

Me: You are behaving like angels.
V: Angels do not sleep.

Me: Why didn't you sing your favorite song (played at a concert)?
V: I was nervous.

M: Do you know what this called (a halo)?
V: Angel top?
V looking at Gwen Stefani: I think she has a mask on.

V: Do you remember when Buster ate chicken food and he got chicken pux (no typo)?

J: It would be sad if you went to heaven and I went to hell.

A: Is champay (champagne) British?

A: I think when I grow up I am going to be a British English Italian Spanish French girl.

A: I will be okay if we go to a place that speaks British.

A looking at F getting out of the shower and pointing to his "love handles": I can see your muscles that make you so strong!

V:  A lot of bad news happens in NY.

11

You are over 11 weeks old now. Hard to believe that your big sister is 11 years old. I remember pre-blog, when I used to type a journal online and I noted that J was 2.5 months old and M was 2.5 years old. As they say, it keeps on going faster and faster. Right now you are in turbo needy mode, one of these "leaps" as they call them. It involves fussing and crying all day long unless you are literally on me or eating from me. You only nap if I lay next to you (not so convenient) and you make me pretty cuckoo. I had an MRI today for my knee today and it was a mini vacation despite the loud noises and claustrophobia. I know I will even miss this in a few months and years but right now I am sore and tired. I do not think my hernia wound is healing right but who knows- I am not taking the pain meds and you are constantly on me, so that does not help. Here's to a smoother July. M at Songa and J in MIA- miss my monkeys!!

July Musings

A: I like F how he is right now. I did not like him how he was before.
Me: How?
A: No eyebrows or eyelashes.

F to J: I am sorry to hear that you guys gave mamá a hard time today.
J: Well, it's not my fault if mamá decided to have five children.

V: Do grown ups do wet farts?

V to A: Just let me handle him (F).

V: Is it possible for a slug to get to California in one minute?

J: I think we should have another baby.
A: No thank you.
Me: No we are done. And six is an even number.
J: have seven!

V: Is it hard work making babies?

A, out of the blue: This is crazy! Everyone in my class has light skin!


V: I love him (F) so much, I won't forget him when I am dead.

A: How important is F? Super important.

J: Did your tetas used to be normal?

He Scoots!!

I put little F down on his Play mat belly down .... I heard him grunting as I tried to do something in the kitchen ...less than five minutes later he had traveled off the mat and across a considerable portion of our rug. crawling at 2.5 months? What the? We are in for some serious precocious motoring. All of our kids were on target or on the late side.

JULY!

V trying to soothe F: Okay, whatever, I quit!

A, scooting by me: Hey mama, yo sexy!

A on more than one occasion: This is the cutest baby on earth! F and.... what's my baby's cousin's name again?

V to me: Listen punk!

V: It doesn't hurt to die, it's peaceful. Before I get to one hundred and a half I am going to kill myself.

V: Is death a power? When I'm a hundred I am going to shoot myself.

J looking at an obese kid: I don't want to be mean, but is that kid going to have a heart attack?

V: This noni smells like money.

V: Is g-d dead?

J: What is anus?
Me: Your butt hole.
J: What's an anus crime?
Me: Heinous crime?
J: Yeah.


V: Can Santa get arrested?

June Lines

A; What should I be when I grow up?
Me: Do what you love.
A: I love mamá. I am going to be you.

A or V: What smells so good?
A or V: Maybe your butt?

M: It is so weird that every human in the world was a baby. Like Trump. And Hitler. Everybody.

A: Was papi drunk when he had hair?

V: Is abuela D five feet from dying?

A:  I need a decoration for picture to look cute. I'm ugly.
V: You are the prettiest in the family!

V: His hair smells like money.

V: Before I was born, was there tv?

A: I think that's enough milk for a little tiny child.

May Lines

V: Why was your culito invented? If it didn't have sides
Me: You mean cheeks?
V:Yeah, it could just be a bigger hole and you could get the poop out faster and not even wipe yourself.

A: How does it feel to be a grown up?
Me: It feels great.

A: Does (mini) F like you?
Me: I hope so.
A: He thinks your are fantastic. He can't stand how much he loves you.

V: When I was a baby I saw G-d and he said I was the best person.



PS My high tech phone, where I jot down notes died, so I lost many funny lines :(

Progress

After a long week with no other adult in the house, I realized that I can do this, that it is okay if someone cries every day (other than little F), and that sleeping is indeed important. F went from being a champ (7 hours straight followed by an efficient feed) to a disaster (three nights of torture where nothing made him happy and close to no sleep was had) to back to 7 hours in a row. How convenient that he began sleeping the night his father returned. He has pretty much abandoned all day time and night time fussiness since F's return and vow to care for him at night. They are currently on their third nap of the weekend, big and little F side by side. I am starting to think that little F is messing with me!

10-5am in HIS bed ON THE BELLY

We had several hiccups since my last victorious post. But now I think we may have it! He likes to sleep on his belly.
Little F has recently begun to make little sounds and to try to hit me when I am trying to put his chupete in his mouth- very surprised to see a feisty child (ha ha).
He is a very easy baby thus far. This could of course change at any time. He spent the morning in the car going to watch his aunt in a half marathon and he did not make a peep!
It's hard to believe it has been almost four weeks since little F arrived into the chaos. He is still pretty small but finally outgrowing his newborn outfits.
Also new in his skill set is "talking" or cooing as well as rolling over (once!) from belly to his back.

10:30pm-530am

F slept!!
Now we just need to move him to his bed :)

V Original Jokes

Why did the dog go out in the sun?
To get a hot dog!

Why did the dog go out?
To meet another dog and then a cat and then a dog and then a cat so he could have a play date.
But it wouldn't be good! Because they are all going to fight!

Comments

V to me: Is your teta the most important part of your body?
Me: To (little0 F it is.
V:  If it breaks, there is only one left!

V: When is C's baby getting the tip of his pitín cut off?
Me: That already happened.
V: He must be crying

V during piano practice: I am only five! I cannot even do math.

A: Can we buy cherries? My stomach has been waiting for them!

V: I will never forget Uma's name because I said it like one million fourteen times in Miami.

V scooting by our old apartment, looking at the sidewalk: This floor brings back so much memories.

V: Why do mouse traps exist? They help nature.

V; Why did you want to have so much kids? To make it harder?
Me: To make it better.
V: Do you know when F is big he will also not listen to you?

A at piano (which they do at a millionaire's house): I like this bathroom better than ours. I like this house more.
V: A, these are rich folks!

V to J: Can you pop your balls?
J: No, don't do that, that is where babies come from.

Phew

After two SLEEPLESS nights, little F let us sleep last night. Except for a 3-4am fuss he slept (woo hoo!) the whole night. This was particularly impressive after sleeping through a long am drop off (which included me bumping into another car in the rain) nap as well as a three hour nap through Beauty and the Beast (good job M!) he kept on sleeping. M survived her second performance today and J did great in his choral concert. F still sleeps. I am never sure if I should wake him up or not. Looking forward to doing as little as possible tomorrow for Mother's Day.

Firsts and Lasts

Everything is now a first for little F. First subway rides yesterday. First bath tonight. It is bittersweet for while I know that we cannot procreate forever, I am fully aware that it is my last everything. I will never have a newborn again. F has made progress with sleeping at night. He does one long stretch (3-4 hours) and managed to stay in his bed (having him in ours is handy but makes me nervous) last night. I have the most relaxed days in a long time (accomplishments include things like a trip to CVS and washing the dishes) but they go by quickly. I feel like I have not been in school for months and it has been a week or so. I am lucky to have help so I can still go to school to pick kids up, take others to piano. I try to give most of them a slice of my undivided time every day. I am not sure if they will know this or feel this or just remember their childhood as a blur.

Some lines:

J: You smell like F. I can smell him from 5 feet away.

V: I want him to stay small. I am going to shrink him if he grows.

A: The only person I love is you and Mr. Nugget, Mr. F. He is so cute, cuter than me. I think he loves me.

V to F: Are you getting old papa? Your ears are looking old.

On a happy happy note, little J was born to tía C last night. Super fast labor and 8 days apart almost to the hour from little F. I hope and wish they can be close but the distance (which is not far) is daunting.

May I do my best to soak this all in. Firsts and lasts. So lucky to have one more turn.

Progress

Our first two nights at home were not so hot. Little F alternated between fussing, crying, eating- sort of and pooping all night long a la Lionel Ritchie. Something had to give. I am happy to stay up, to nurse, but to never have an end in sight is not sustainable. F got up as many if not more times than I did. Little F thought it appropriate to sleep all day long and repeat his evening performance. We tried putting him in the chair he loves to sleep in during the day, with a swaddle, no swaddle, chupete, no chupete, in the bassinet. Last night we went to bed at 8:40pm (a world record) with the other 4 monkeys and invoked the sleeping spirits. While it was not a perfect night, it was much improved! We had one three hour (yahoo!) stretch and several 30 minute and one hour ones. He did sleep on our bed (a no-no) but at least we made progress. The work week begins tomorrow (hello May!) and I need to be able to make it through the night without F's full assistance.
More later...

A and V on little F

A, as I kissed her good night: It's great that you are not pregnant anymore!
Me: Yeah.
A: At least, people still think you are because you look it!

A: I just love this little nugget.

V: When are you going to yell at him?

A: Are you going to scold him?

A: He is my favorite person in the world!

WELCOME LITTLE F- Your Birth Story

We did it! You are here. Truth be told, I did not not think I would make it. I won't get into all of the gory mundane details now, but let's just recap: I woke up at 5:30am with my water broken (weird). I proceeded to alternate between gushing and dripping (why didn't I buy diapers?) all day, speckled with some painful manual interventions from our favorite OB. Whoa, that was painful and still no contractions. Mid-afternoon we headed to Mt Sinai, which seemed more like a third world clinic than a NYC hospital. They had no pads (when I asked), or room, or information until the last waterfall of fluid came out of me and they thought it more quaint to set me up in triage. I had a minimal dose of pitocin only to have it be halted because "all of the ORs were in use." Who cares? Well apparently this happens never, but when it does, they do not want to encourage anyone else to go into labor so all pitocin stops. Suffice it to say, that 2 hours later I was really in labor and trying to breathe and think about how I had done this, how each contraction was one down, visualizing the baby coming down.. I was not yet out of my mind. But in this third location where they had me birth, I had another 40 minutes or pitocin and I am not sure but I suspect that this what was brought on the most violent and painful rash of contractions of my life maybe. Think oscillating between sweating, wanting to vomit, not feeling my hands (which were purple at one point?!), feeling an elephant smashing my cervix while another one was trying to come out of me from the back. Not pretty. I was thinking "this is a 20" (earlier I had rated my pain at 6 like an asshole from 1-10). Thank goodness this excruciating pain I described was under an hour. I started to push soon after and in 2 (or 3?) pushed you were out. I screamed so loud while I pushed that I surprised myself. I have never made such a primordial and loud sound. I always thought women yelling in labor was TV stuff, unrealistic and for dramatic flair. I may have woken up the whole hospital. Bu there you were. Little boy. 8lbs 3oz- not the 12 lber I thought you were. Perfect and quiet (probably scared). I began to shake like never before. I was freezing and my teeth were clanging and it went on and on despite the blankets. I was shaking so violently, that they said I could not hold you. Now all is calm. We are in a beautiful room overlooking Central Park. Your father slept with us last night. Thank you tía A for keeping the monkeys. All you have to do today is meet 4 crazy siblings and anyone else who ventures here to see to our latest and last love bug. We love you little F!

Yes, I am Still HERE

When I went to work yesterday I got lots of comments: "Are you still here?" No- I am a mirage. A whale-like image of myself. I think it is safe to say that I cannot predict when I am going to give birth. My guess is this week, but who knows. I am trying to get as many things done on my never ending "to do" list and trying to savor, if that is possible, this last time. For while pregnancy is amazing, the miracle of life astounding etc- when you get to this point- with an actual full person living in your abdomen region- it is alien-like, surreal and hard to believe that you still have organs functioning. As rough as birth is, I think the baby would rather not come out as a rule. So warm and dark and fat and easy to eat in there. Enjoy little guy, you are coming out soon and meeting 4 loud monkeys. Some time soon after that, you will meet little M, her little baby, and join this crazy ever-growing family. Hang tight!

You Would Think

that at this point I would know what the onset of labor is like. I do not. For the past 24 hours I have thought that I was in labor. But I am not. Why did I wake up three times to go to the bathroom? Why is there such incredible pressure? Are those baby kicks? Braxton Hicks? I know not. I am a moron I guess and unable to pinpoint the onset of labor. I can tell you that it is close. F is not a fan of the weekend so the next three days are not ideal. I loathe even numbers but they seem to be my doomed fate. April 22 is not a good birthday. Either is April 24. Honestly, my other three even month and day birthdays at least occurred in odd years. Please don't triple even me.
I am hot and large and trying to finish my last dozen reports before heading to my 100000th sonogram. It is a real luxury that I can sit here at home, with the garden breeze and do this. My school is so generous. I will be back to school briefly to do community service class and to get my four monkeys. What a nice day. No baby today please.

The Waiting Game

Here we are, one day shy of week 39. I am ready but not ready. Still surreal that another person- less portable than he/she is now, will be joining us soon. Whenever I am in public with the crew I do a head count and always feel like I am missing one. I suppose when I get to 5, we will be complete. I am now so grotesquely huge in the front that strangers on the street regularly offer unsolicited comments ("a boy right?", "any day now") and congratulations. I am not apparently big enough to get a seat on the subway- this week I have been offered a few seats, but I ride many a subway standing. I am actually more comfortable standing, but that is not the point. I am in and out of school with doctors appointments, trying to complete my end of the year school reports as my sub teaches my classes. Very lucky to have such a flexible job, boss- no complaints here.
At my last visit to the ob, yesterday, it was confirmed that 1. The second doctor does not know me and 2. She is as annoying as my regular one. Not a visit goes by where she does not offer some "scary fact (Dr- "sometimes, in your third pregnancy- your uterus will be so stretched out that it does not contract efficiently and labor slows down" Me- "This is not my third pregnancy and my last labor and delivery was my biggest and fastest"), warning (Dr-"Because you are older, we cannot let you go a week past your due date", Me; "I am more than a week from my due date" and then in my head- are you going to remind me of my age every time I come??), or uninteresting offer (Dr- "Would you like to have the baby today? I can strip your membranes."). Anyway, it looks like my regular one may be on vacation when I deliver, leaving me with her carbon copy, ie it will make no difference. I can only hope that this baby comes out fast, or as my friend at work says "as fast as it went in."
Recently a friend asked AleVit about the impending arrival. A did not want to talk about it and V said that hospital part was disgusting. I assured him he did not have to come to that part, to which he replied "I'm coming!"
Any guesses as to the arrival date, gender and weight of this baby? The nurse at my school is convinced that it is a big boy. I told her that if I have a 7 lb girl, I will have to hunt her down. I am hoping for a 9 lb baby (8.5 might be more realistic but I want to justify the two tons that I weigh) and we are still back and forth with the boy name so a girl would be easier (though- fuck you John Legend). See you soon?!

Cultural Observations by A

A: Can girls be Jewish?
Me: Yes.
A: Then why don't they wear the caps on their head? Oh yeah, they wear the blankets. Also in UNICEF and other countries far away the girls wear blankets on their heads because they are bald.
Me; They are not bald.
A: They also wear blankets on their bodies

Wrappin' Up

So.... I think the end is near. While I have done this before, the thought of a (hopefully LARGE) baby coming into our lives soon still seems abstract. I am not anxious for him/her to arrive but cognizant that it could be any day now. I am not sure if it is my age or weight or amnesia, but I do not ever remember feeling this uncomfortable before. There are parts of the day when I am carefree (mostly standing), but other parts where I cannot get comfortable, feel incredible pressure in my pelvis, or cannot stay awake. While I have been sleeping better than I was a few weeks ago (thank you nature), I cannot help but feel extra heavy and awkward in bed. F tells me that I snore (lovely) and every time I want to adjust my position in bed, I feel like a crane could come in handy. I definitely used to be better at this. I already weigh 5 more pounds than when the other two were born. While I started off slimmer, I did also have TWO people growing in me, so it looks like postpartum will be chunkier than desired- especially because I will only be burning the calories needed to feed one baby.

Okay, back to more important topics than my already ruined body... what will I rename this blog? Ideas? I really did have 4 kids, 3 jobs, and 2 bedrooms when I started and now I will have 5 kids and 3 bedrooms but what do I have 4 or 2 of? Hmmm. I do have 4 delinquent children, but that may not last- one could turn angelic or number five could join them.

In delinquent news... V shaved part of his head by himself and denied it. I mean, crying, screaming "I didn't do it" despite the bald spot at the front of his head and F's wet hair clipper shoved in the garbage. He eventually fessed up when I told him the fibbing was getting him in more trouble than the self grooming. When I asked L about it, she told me he had convinced her that F had done it (he had indeed recently given him a hair cut) and that he was not allowed to touch papi's stuff etc. A real delinquent (and L is clearly a gullible/blind person).

A had two "cavities" filled and it was the single most traumatic medical/dental experience to date. Granted we have been lucky to have avoided any real incidents, A's look of panic and horror as the dentist went on and on doing crap in her mouth was awful. There were tears streaming from her eyes but she did not lose her shitake mushrooms until we left the office, at which point she wailed like a baby for a solid full meltdown.

J is plugging away at the 9000 piano concerts, juries, and workshops his teacher wants him to do. M is busy rehearsing for Beauty and the Beast and has joined a running class that she loves. A and V are still karate, piano and swim midgets and A has ballet (not her thing) and V a science class.

All is well in the hood. To be continued...

Lines

J: Can dogs be transgendered?

J (on crowded train): After that baby comes out with your conchita stay big or get small again? Will you belly be fat?

V: When the baby comes out, wherever it lands it stays right? Because it cannot move.

A?V?: Why do we have spring break? Because we do a lot of work and we need to calm down?

V: If you are the teacher, do you choose what you do with the class?

V: Is g-d a person? Can you pray to stay like a kid forever? Will it work? Matthew (kid in class) taught me how to pray- you put your hands on your chin and close your eyes.
Me:- Does it work?
V: Not really.

A: If you can see far away, are you smart?

V looking at tween: It's a kid and it already has a phone!

V: When I'm older I won't know how to do anything.

V: How did you find papi? You made us but where did you find him?

V calling me to wipe him: I wiped my butt two times- it's legal and official and you need to check it.

Lines

V: Why you never tell the kids at school that your names are mami and papi?

A after F tried to put ambesol on her canker sore: My tongue feels massaged!

A: Just so you know, I am going to be a rock star when I grow up!

A: I love you and the human being who is inside of you!

Thanks A LOT OBAMA

I just got a wonderful free breast pump thanks to our wonderful president. I am week 36.2 and bebé is still down- I am guessing he/she is staying there. I can feel it pushing down when I walk. I hope to make it to week 40 but we shall see. I am not ready but I am ready. Sad to never be pregnant again but also mighty uncomfortable. Home stretch baby!

Week 35.4

Last week's ob visit presented many unappealing and sure to fail options for this puppy to be born naturally. Apparently, this bebé has not committed to being head down and that is not acceptable to any USA doctor. I may have to move abroad soon, as a version seems to be fruitless and unless we can "fake" being head down for the next 10000 sonograms (think one per week at dr and one per week at imaging center from now on) they will schedule me for a c-section. I am going this afternoon and I hope this baby can be or at least "act" head down so I do not have to worry about this. I am confident he/she could come out in any direction (we already have proof of that with A) but my doctor is not interested in my opinion!

Home Stretch Baby!

Well, here we are. A mere six weeks and one day away from my due date. Science tells us that I could meet this baby in even less time (though I doubt it). While this has been my most uncomfortable pregnancy, I am trying to soak it in as it is truly my last. My body is so much achier and older than just five years ago and I think five, a stellar odd number as it is, is a good place to stop. Can we even manage the ones we have? I think so. I hope so. I do not think anyone every regretted having too many siblings and my hope is that these 5 monkeys will grow up knowing how lucky they are to have each other and with some glimpse of appreciation that we did our best. My best doesn't always look (or sound) that graceful, but I try. I digress. My belly looks huge and is quite uncomfortable but most people still don't offer me a seat on the subway. That is okay, I am more comfortable standing. Sitting and laying down don't seem to suit this baby. It is so odd how I cannot imagine anything about this baby- note even gender- and in weeks time I will not remember life pre number five. Only a few days ago did I begin to look through my meager collection of baby keepsakes. Most went to charity. Baby clothes gets discolored. I went into a Babies R Us and felt overwhelmed by the countless products, many non-existent last time around. I did acknowledge and buy some basics like a nursing bra and some bottles. I am thinking this baby will make due with less crap than the others, though I will always welcome hand me downs. A dear friend kindly asked me if I wanted a shower. I was embarrassed to have one for M and really embarrassed to have one for AleVit. I would never want a shower this time- I feel much more private and simple this time. I do not even want a birth announcement email or any of that jazz- social media is too much for me. If we are close (or if we are in the same family), you will know and you will see- no need to parade the baby- though it is virtually impossible to stop other people. Okay, I am rambling. I need to go wake up one tired boyfriend and four slumbering students who must wear green for St Patrick's today. Daylight Savings Time has kicked our butts. M competes in the spelling bee today (hurray!) and sings in the talent show tomorrow (yikes!). Two days until spring break. Will this baby be born in Miami? I hope not. We'll see. Onward!

A & V

Me to A: I ordered you some new shoes.
A: Thank G-d!

V: I want this baby to come out so I can hug you again.

From M's Spelling Test (her illustrations of words)

1. Sometimes in the middle of an argument, my brother and I are speechless and we just stare at each other malignantly.

2. In my democratic opinion, Donald Trump is a loathsome person.

3. You should never harbor or keep inside negative thoughts or feelings.

4. The stars in Van Gogh's "Starry Night" painting are vivid with orange and yellow.

Back Banter

M: Can we watch Planet Earth?
J: What is that?
M: A documentary about nature.
J: Is that one where a man with a deep voice speaks? I don't want to see that.

V: Can we get a cake with shaving (whipped) cream for L?

V: Can you put come jello (gel) in my hair?

V to A: Do you want veins (bangs) on your head?

Studying the rain forest, V and A's teacher was talking about sloths. Do you know that those are?
V: Yes! You use it to clean your teeth (floss).

V as we passed a church: Can we ring and run?
Me: No!
V: Do they have security cameras?

V: Where can we buy money?

A: To be really rich, you need to steal money (true).

A: Can girls and women and ladies be drunk and blind?

Me to J: One day, in a long long time you will thank me for all of the music lessons.
J: Thank you now for making me a quality man.

V: Homeless people miss most of their life.

J looking at a Salvation Army building: What kind of soldiers are those?
Me: It is just a name. It is a charity that helps people.
J, looking at the "executive office" sign"" They execute people there?

V when I told him I was giving him a kiss from papi: Why are you acting like papi?

J to me: Are you 49 or 50?

A: Are M and J brother and sister?
Me: Yes
A: But they are not twins.

One of my students looking at my belly with a bewildered expression: When were you pregnant?

Belated Birthday Post- J is 9!!!

After a djembe solo in a chorus concert followed by bowling and NY Ninja the night before and a special diner breakfast the day of, J is officially 9- his last year in the single digits. Almost a week later, I want to tell you what a great midget you are. A royal pain too, but a talented and hardworking little guy. From chorus, music theory, and piano to karate, swim and basketball. You are a sweet boy and our eldest son. We love you ciccione!!

Death Anxiety

V in my bed this am as soon as his eyes opened: Do you die when your heart stops beating?

Me: Yes. That is what happens.

V; Like in 15 years? Who will be my mom when you die?

Me: No, in so many years when I am really old and you are already old. I am still your mother when I die.

V: I want you to stop and stay how you are now like I am going to do.

Back Log

V has a lot of angst lately related to aging, school, and the impending arrival of the baby. Here are some of his deep (and heartbreaking) comments:

When you die,will I be alone?

I will bury you and when I have a boo boo,  I will put my blood on you and make you alive.

Did Michael Jackson die with his brothers and sisters? He is dead but I love him.

I want a different family. I don't want to live in NY and I hate my school but I still love you very much.

When I am a grown up, will you still love me?

Mamá, why did you want another baby?

_____

J: I am going to make my wife do all of the dirty work like diapers.

Me: Then you will never get a wife if you say that.

J: The I will make my husband do the dirty work!

When I suggested a play date for next weekend, V:

Tell them I am not available!

V: Mami and papi, you are getting too nice!

V: I hate Taylor Swift.

A: But she can make bad boys good for a weekend.

V strolling by a Victoria's Secret window rife with boobs in lace: Is that inappropriate for me to look at?

Me: No.

V: Well I am looking!

V: I want a snack that blows my mind away!

V's name suggestion (no typos) : FIM or KAVIN

V: Do you know jesus was the only baby to see in rainbow he's dead and so are his parents?

V:t is all A's fault. I was going to have a good day and she ruined my life!

V to L as he tried to get to the freezer: Excuse me my darling.
A to me: I love the thing in your tummy and the thing that is above that, which is you.

¡5!

Happy birthday to the best duo I could ask for. Hard to believe it has been half a decade. We have been celebrating hard with family and friends for three days now. After many "happy birthdays", too many gifts, cakes and balloons... you are in bed. Both of you said your birthday was "awesome" and I agree. My favorite part may have been brownies and strawberries in your classroom with M and J. I will be back with funny lines soon but I will give you some teasers in typical V (rude and not true) style.

Upon opening a pj from abuelo: I don't want this- you can have it (he has since asked me to wear it)
Upon opening a plastic Spider man set of (to be fair) crap: This is crap.
Upon opening an action figure from J: I don't want this. You can have this/
Upon opening a lunchbox  he had already seen because he snooped in my room: I already saw that.

He is a piece of work.

To be continued.

I am very lucky to have a two feisty 5 year olds and almost 9 year old and an 11 year old. Each one more unique and intense than the other!!

A & V

V: How does the baby come out of your pipes?
Me: What pipes?
V: Where the food goes. In your butt.
A: It does not come out of her butt; it comes out of her conchita.

A to me: Put cream on my legs and massage them. Do your best. And don't stop until I need a water break.

A to me: Do you know what M is? A fair girl!

A to me: Can you mix my salad so my olives get lost in there?

V to me in the car: Do not sing while you drive. That is NOT going to help you or help us.

V to F: I can't clean up that huge (his) mess! I am a kid. You cannot make me.

A: The city has an end. But the sky doesn't.

Me to A: What is your favorite planet?
A: Earth!
V: We would be boiling on other planets.

January Musings

J: I want to live in Miami with abuelo L when I grow up. I hope his dog is still alive then so it can play with my dogs.

(not sure if I already posted this one from dec).
My grandmother said that she and V looked like royalty sitting on thrones wearing robes to which V replied: You are sitting on a chair like a bum.

A when I told her to go to the bathroom with V: I do NOT want to see my brother's penis.

Me to V: Here is your pasta.
V: Fantastic!


A when she saw F and I kissing: Are you two in love?

V (or A?): Does the president have a gun or a sword?

A: Why is kissing not appropriate in school?

V: Your belly is getting big.
Me: The baby is growing.
V: It is not alive yet!
Me: Of course it is.
V: When did it get in there? It was not in there when I was.
Me: No, after.
V: How?
Me: Papi and I made it.
V: How did it get IN there? WHEN?

20 YEARS BABY

It was 20 years ago today that we sealed the deal with a kiss at the top of the stairs of some subway station in Rome. While I cannot believe that I chose such an amazing human to share my life with when I was so young, I have to be grateful for my good fortune. He may not be perfect, but F is the true love of my life, not sure who else would put up with all that I come with. He is my number one boyfriend and the best father to these kids we keep having. To 40 more years together (I hope) and then I can die in peace. LOVE JEW.