Sometimes Life Bites You in the Ass

and sometimes.... it is just your other half. I went to a fundraising meeting at BT today that included a story from the day about how A bit! her brother. I did not know it was in the butt... until I saw it. Pobrecito. He apparently cried like crazy (his feelings no doubt more injured than his culito) and A was stoic (but did not cry!) when she was reamed by the head of daycare. She refused to admit anything when I interviewed her at home. V tried to minimize the whole thing and defended her (told me it did not hurt, that she did not get in trouble etc). Ay ay ay. Better his butt than another kid's I suppose. I have never had a biter.

V The Performer

V in the bathtub holding a bucket: I am doing the bucket challenge!

Me to F: He did not finish his dinner.
V: Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to finish my dinner!

While watching tv and eating breakfast: My napkin fell. I do not have a napkin. I cannot live like this!

You are not a smart girl mamá- you are a good girl.

Lines

After I told V that we were out of fruit, A: Why is there no fruit in this house?

V: Why does papi never plant eggplant in the backyard?
Me: We do not have a backyard.
V then took me to the balcony door to show me that we did.

As we talked about possibly getting hurt climbing a jungle gym, V: My butt protects me!

After a serious talk with J about his (deteriorated) attitude and tone: I do not know how I was when I  was little. How can I change back?

J when we were talking about whether his uncles broke up with their girlfriends usually or vice versa, re tío D's latest: That was harsh (what he did to her).

M on a collage project that seemed to have to be about summer (everyone else wrote comments about their feelings on it): Life is a blessing and a curse.

V when I told him to take a time out: I am too old for a time out.
When F began to call him over to take the time out he ignored him and I inquired if he could hear his father calling him. V: I am not going over there, I know why he is calling me.

V when F asked him for a lick of his vanilla ice cream: No, it has peanut butter (it did not but V knows that F hates it). A few minutes later he was done eating and handed F the half eaten ice cream and gestured to the ice cream man: You can return this to the man now.

A as she peed in the woman's bathroom: Where is J? Me: In the boy bathroom. We are in the girl's. A: Where do women pee? Me: Here. A: What about little women? Me: Here. This is for girls and women and little women. A: Oh.

V to me when I asked him how I looked with water balloons in my shirt for augmented boobs: Like a beauty!

A, The Hall Monitor

A to me as I got dressed: I see your petetas. Can you put a brab on?

A to F: Go take a shower, you smell stinky.

V V V

V called me an idiot (he is doing a spectacular job of copying MoJo's sweetest terms) and I demanded an apology. V: I was talking to the wall. I do not have to say sorry to the wall.

Tío G came over for 2 minutes to leave camping gear and I left with him to throw away the garbage. When I came back up, V: Where is G? The basement? Me: Yes. I left him there. V: That is not nice, he will not come back to visit if you do that.


V, when I told him to eat the crudité while I served dinner: This is not food, this is tomatoes! I need pasta on my plate to eat!

V to F: I have never been to Kindergarten school.
F: I know, because you are too little.
V: Fine, then I will not go to cooking school either
F: Why?
V: Because it is too far away!


At 3:45 am in the tent camping: How many more days until Halloween?
Then at 4am: Mamá, you are the best!

Today's Comments

J asked a boy in the park for his phone number today and waited anxiously to call him. This is some of what I overheard (so cute!): Can I call you in the morning? So I should call you when I am done brushing my teeth and getting dressed?

Then: I can't meet you at the park tomorrow. I am going to the Statue of Liberty. Maybe you can come with me?

After V pooped in his pants in his wet bathing suit at the park (wtf?) he announced that he had to do it again. This of course, after we left the bathroom and 1000 wipes later: This is my last emergency.

J to a group of black kids in the park he was playing basketball with: This, is how you dunk!

V to me on our way back to the park: Why I don't have a cooking class mamá?

Recent Lines...

V said sucker today and I told him that was not a nice word. In typical V fashion, he tried to backpedal and said: I did not say 'sucker'- I said 'fucker.' I told him that was not nice either and succeeded to do so with a straight face. This only got him more heated: FUCK HER I said. FUCK HER. NOT SUCKER. FUCKER! By then, I was cracking up and this only made him louder and more agitated.

M and J are into saying "epic" for anything remotely cool (or not). A has adapted this term, except that she says "effic." Lots of effic things going on.

When A wanted a third dessert I said, you ate enough. You do not want to do this (I puffed my cheeks). V added: Fat. Fat and boring.

J: I would die for any kid younger than me. I mean I have had more life than them.

A trying to convince M to let her sleep on her bed: Are you a cool girl M?
M: Yeah
A: Well cool girls sleep with little girls right? I am coming to your bed.

Boy Banter

J: When I grow up I am going to have a job but on the weekends I am just going to help people who do not have a house or food.

V: Can we buy a different house? This one has no backyard for me to get out (V was obsessed with "backyard" of NC)

Babababanter

V as a woman exited the bathroom at Bettolona, where we had been waiting a few minutes: Did she poop? (Whiff)

V as he accused me of getting soap in his eyes: When papi comes home I am going to tell him to kill you.
Me: What? Do you know what that means?
V: Something bad.

Me to V as he sat by the edge of the pool: What are you doing?
V: There is a little fart waiting at the bottom to come out.

A, to a 12 year old or so boy at the pool: Do you want to be my friend?
Boy: What? Where is your friend?
A, insistent:No, do you want to be my friend?
Boy: Little kids are funny.

V in the car out of the blue: Now I know how to ice skate, I learned at BT.

V after 9 hours in the car heading to the Outerbanks: There is no North Carolina here.

Washington DC a la V: Washington To (2?) See
Washington Dc a la A: Washington See

J: V has man poops.

V: I follow constructions (instructions).

A: Zip it, lock it, put in your pocket.

A: Can we watch Neckfliss in this cab?

J: I love you so much, I would sacrifice myself for you.

V after 11.5 hours in the car as we crossed the bridge to Manhattan: I can't be here, I have to be in New York.

A: Are you seriously?

After I imitated his argumentative "well": I say "well", you do not say "well" mamá.

V to me (for no real reason): You cannot handle the truth!
Me: What? What truth?
V: I know the truth and you cannot know it.

V to F: I want you to break the window (of the car) so mamá can fly outside.

V: I do not know how to help people who are lost.

More Comments

M: Why don't we live in Miami? It is such a great destination!

M to J when he doubted that a girl liked him: If you were not my brother and you were my age, I would have a crush on you.

M: Life is overrated!

M about beating the crap out of J in the car: We were not hitting each other, it was aggressive play.

A as we listened to classical music on the radio: Is that J playing the piano?

M, when I told her my 6 month vegan phase was over: So, did you like get in shape?
Me: No.
M: So being a vegan was just having your mouth water and diarrhea?

J's friend to me: Is it true J is allergic to homework?

V to the ocean: Slow down water, I know you are excited.

V to me: I am totally starving. Trust me.

V: My belly says (makes squeaky voice): No more dinner, dessert please.

V Mania

When I said he could not eat something: What do you mean? You say no but food is for everyone. If you do not give me ice cream then you have to give me pretzels.

If I eat this chicken, then I need to stay in Miami for eva and eva and eva.

to tia S: I am going to put you in a hole and I am going to keep your doggie. I am also going to put your mom in there and throw a piano at you (can you tell we watch Looney Tunes?)

on the beach last night: Figaro! Figaro! Figaro!

I am not in trouble, trouble means you are in jail.

I dreamed about Santa and L.

to abuelo r: Your teeth are green. And grey.

Me: Do you like medialunas or sandwiches de miga or churros better?
V: Both, in my belly.

V to tia C: Do you know you are fat because you eat a lot?

V angry in the pool: This is not my stupid life!

V in the pool: I need to poop. Should I go in the bushes?

V playing on beach with sand: I am putting gay power in it!
Me: What?
V: Cinnamon!

I'm a Swimma!

Torino cracked the code yesterday and finally began to swim on his own! He began by scooping and kicking while vertical and soon overcame his fear and got horizontal. His look of sheer pride and joy after every increasingly extended swim stretch was priceless. Once he put his goggles on, he was ready to swim until he dropped. Every time he cam out to go again he announced "chapter 3" (or 4 or 6) or "on your march, get set, go!" If only I could gain such a cool skill and be so fulfilled in a day. After he got his sundae reward by the pool, A jumped in to try some independent swimming of her own.

¡Torino!

V as I hugged him: Can you stop now, my neck bones are hurting.

Some V Lingo:
Sixties Handles (16 handles- fro yo place)
Can I have sprinklers on it? (sprinkles)
Can I get in the sprinkles? (sprinklers in park)

Me: You are all red, are you hot?
V: No, it is from when we were in the park (2 hours before) and I was frustrated. I get red when I am frustrated.

Me to V this am when I turned the tv off at 7:15am: Let's read a book.
V: I am tried of listening to stories. Sorry. I am on a break, I am going to sit in this chair for my break.

¡¡¡VAMOS ARGENTINA!!!

Last night was AMAZING. As irrational and crazy as fútbol can be, it is equally one of the most beautiful feelings and triumphs to experience. I know that there are still many that do not care for the sport here (although I am impressed with how many more people are into this world cup than when we hosted it here in 1994) and that sadly our neighbors in Brazil are rooting for us to lose (spread the love yo- you have 5 cups!) but I do not care because right now.. my heart is full. The Empire State Building is even celebrating with me. The joy and madness that erupted in Harlem (by which I mean my living room) as Argentina made each penalty kick and Holland did not... was MAGIC. All four of my midgets looked at me like I had LOST my mind and then joined in the chanting and jumping on the couch. V is a big fan (I make him wear his shirt every game for good luck) as is J. The ladies are being converted too as they have had dozens of hours of the sport forced upon them in the last few weeks. When we won in 1978 I lived in Buenos Aires and have a vague recollection of the chanting and the horn honking. My mother says I participated and after screaming Argentina for a while asked her what it meant:) In 1986 I was in Vermont when we won but I remember that the whole camp watched and that I swelled with pride even though I was the only Argentine there. When my (north) american friends express joy and interest in a win for my little country- I love the whole experience even more and I feel (undeserved) pride in what we can accomplish in soccer. Argentina may be riddled with problems and poverty and injustices but we have PASSION and apparently a lot of talent (of the top three players who come to mind Brazil my friend, 2 are ours!). I love you MESSI even if they give you a hard time. There is no equivalent experience to an afternoon at Boca Juniors stadium - you cannot bottle that kind of emotion, cursing, and sheer glee. While I echo V's sentiment when he asked tía C "take me with you to Argentina" as we walked her to the subway to JFK last night during the game... I will be satisfied with a WIN while I sit in NY. If we can win our third cup, it will be 3 I can remember, 3 in my lifetime, and finally something WONDERFUL for a country that deserves it. ¡Vamos carajo!

¡Volveremos volvermos. Volveremos otra vez. Volveremos a ser campeones. Como en el 86!

Back Banter

A to her friend: Shush, let's sing Frozen..
she then proceeds to make a serious face and begins to sing not one, but two different songs from the movie she has never seen! Too much.

V to L when she said they could call an ambulance for his booboo: Your nose is going to grow like Pinochio for telling mentiras!
L: Ay qué lindo.
V: I am not lindo. I am a bad boy!

V to A in hotel as she wailed: I cannot snuggle if you are screaming.

V: What kind of bones are in your penis?

M when I remarked that it was odd that nobody had commented on my purple highlights: I think they were trying to be polite.

V as we got off the elevator: Good job mamá, you did not leave me on there (I have before :()

J to abuela when she told him what (not) to do: You are not my husband!

Me to V at restaurant: I am nervous they are going to yell at you for standing on the seat.
V to Me: I am nervous they are not going to yell at me.

V to Me and F: Why you call each other "puch"?
Me: Why do I call you bubalón?
V: Because I love you!

A: I want to go to Philadelphia (aka tía C's)
Me: We are in Philly.
A: Not the hotel. Philadelphia.

V: Do you know how to drive?
Me: Yes.
V; Do you know how to park?
Me: Not really.
V: You can try. You can learn.

V: Do not stink my bathroom! Only kids can use it.

V in car to PA: Are we going to Remont?

Papá

So I failed to write a birthday post. Apologies. Happy (belated) birthday! To the best dad I have ever had. Seriously, to the one

who always comes to visit, even if it means getting up at 4am
who will sleep anywhere (anytime)
will appreciate and applaud all of his children's accomplishments
will schlep you or your stuff anywhere without complaining
asks for help with electronics 1000 times per day
eats anything with jam and leaves that sticky knife on your counter
enjoys you and your children just as you are
tqtytamfcmc

AleVit Sass

F to A after she hits V: please do not hit. it hurts! It also hurts his feelings.

A: Boys don't have feelings.

Me to A after she hit V: You are hurting his feelings.
A: His earrings? Or his feelings?

V (dressed as Batman): I am Batman!

A: Batman, shut your mouth.

When I told V to relax his butt so I could wipe him: That is what butts do- they stay closed.

V, when I told him he was not going to ride his scooter on the subway platform: I am, and if you do not let me I am going to get on the train and leave you here.

V asked his teacher what a sign said. She responded: No smoking in the park.
V: But I always smoke in the park. My mom and dad always let me smoke in the park.

V after he told me he was a dog: You can pet the dog.
Me: Ok
V: But you need to ask.
I ask A: Can I pet your dog?
A: I rather you not.

Recently

A to me when I am getting frustrated: Do you love me?
Me: Yes.
A: If you love me you should be happy. Are you happy?

Me to A: Soon it is (baby) M's birthday! She is turning one.
A: Do you mean two?

V to baby M in the car (over and over again): My feet are big your feet are little.

V to me when I go out at night: When you leave, stay!

V to me: If you do not listen, booboos will hurt.

V to anyone when he wants more time for something: Let me see your watch. two more minutes.

Back Banter

Me to M this am: Get up- last day of school!
M: No, I have 13 more years!

Abuela to V: Can I give you a kiss?
V: No.
Abuela: Can I give A a kiss?
V: No. You are not in this family and this is not your house.
A: This is not your house but you are in the family.

V to A: You are fivving (fibbing).
A: Kids do not say fivving. Only grown ups.

V when he wants more (unreasonably) of something: My stomach is growling for it mamá.

M after I drove us to camping: Mamá, if I closed my eyes I would have thought papi was driving except for the part when you almost crashed.

First Grade Writers Breakfast- He's a Great ONE!

Today!

We are off to camp! It might be great and it might be terrible, but I am sure it will be memorable. You should see the volume of gear that we have for our under 24 hour trip. We have a brand new 6 person tent. Sleeping bags, rain gear, half our kitchen (F's favorite part is cooking out). I really hope it does not rain.
Now for an update on our lives....Recent happenings include A getting the worst haircut ever (think feathered, layered, mullet from late 70s/early 80s), J getting his yellow belt in karate (hiya!) and playing a great concert Thursday night.
AleVit pumped for camping. Someone mentioned bears and they are slightly petrified at the prospect ("papi has a button to scare the bears right?).
No news on the home front. Cannot find one we like and no takers for ours. The search continues.
Last week I completed the Aids Walk with DB and it was great! My first one was 25 years earlier!! and I raised over $1300 (I calculate at least 25K over my walking career).
Have a great long weekend. Over and out!

Get It While It's Hot!

M to me last night after I told her how lovely her behavior was: I am going to persuade J and A and V to behave as well so even though it seems impossible to believe, you could have some time to yourself.

M: I think females gain weight more easily than males. We have to make an effort to not be chubby (wish this were not true!)

V: I miss mayor Giorgio (i think he meant nonno)

V looking at a woman with lipstick: She has nail polish on her mouth!

V to J in the shower (their new brotherly activity): My penis is bigger than yours. And bigger than papi's.

V to F: I have good news and bad news.
F: What is the bad news.
V: It is the good news.
F: Yes?
V: My penis is bigger than yours.

V to me as I kissed his tush: You know there is poop in there!

J to F: Can you cut my eyelashes? They are too long.

J when asked which was his favorite stuffed animal: Pinguino. But I use the bear to dry my tears :(

V leaving Mannes: This is my favorite place!

V on subway platform: I want to go uptown!
Me: We are going downtown:
V: I love uptown! It is the best.

A to me: You have dark brown skin and I have dark brown skin.
Me: What about papi?
A: Light.
Me: J?
A: Light.
Me: M?
A: Light.
Me: V?
A: Light?
V: So just the two of us have dark skin?
A: No, also R (a black/Indian classmate).

Late But Sweet

This is what I got on Mother's Day from J:
Dear mama,
I love you because you made me! You are speashle because you are the best at being a Mom. Happy Mothers Day, Love (the v is a heart), J

Back Banter

J: I do not even know what the F word means.
Me: Do not worry about it.
J: I do not know what any of the words mean; like nerd, and freak

V, remembering tío G's fabulous fart trick: I am going to pull G's finger!

J to me: I am going to take a shower so fast that before you can say "dictionary" I will be done.

M to J who was taunting V with a toy: You are ruining his childhood!

J: I want to be a superhero. You know, like really talented. Like Godzilla.
Me: Is this for Halloween or real life?
J: (pause). Halloween. For real life I want to be in a rock band and a scientist.

A as we rushed home to the bathroom: If you press my belly too hard I will poop in the street.

V to A: I will buy you a scooter.
A: All by yourself?

M: I hope my kids are not as rude as I am. They will get it from me. That is not fair to you.

M: I just figured out that I am not a morning person.

M: I am tomboy.
Me: Really? But you love make up.
M: Tomboys need to be attractive too. Just not girlie.

V (or A?) to me: If you do not listen to your boo boo, it will hurt.

Me to J after karate test: Why were you nervous?
J: I could lose the test. I had a 50/50 chance.

HAPPY 4-0 Tía D!!!

Thank you for a fun night and for 34 years of unconditional friendship. I cannot wait to share this next decade with you. I love you very very much!

Chatter

M to A: Stop trying to be cool.
A: I am not trying to be cool. I am trying to be awesome!

M when she saw me dressed up last night (hair down, black dress, some lipstick): You look beautiful mamá.
V: You look like a witch!

J: I am having a sleepover with (tío) G on June 27! I am going to put it in my calendar. But what if I get confused the year after?
Me: Well, the days of the week fall on different days on different years.
J: June 27. I am going to ask him to make it a tradition!

A, to me, several times a day since I had surgery: Remember mamá- ZERO uppies.

Tidbits

A: Every princess needs high heels.

A's special terms:
ballallay (ballet)
dentist in your mouth (retainer)
alligator (elevator)
sushi (smoothie)
dekilat (delicate)
blond (wand)

J, after F told him that he did not think they needed to kiss on the lips ("boys do not kiss on the lips"): Yes they do. Sons and fathers do and so do gay husbands.

Comments

M to me: Thank you for being generous. I should be in bed now. If you were the horrible mother that I describe you as, I would be in bed.

A while dancing: I have lots of moves!

V, every time he sense me getting irritated/flustered: Mamá, are you happy? Más o menos happy? Do you love me?


M after meeting some adopted African children: Mamá, I am not saying you did a bad thing, but how come we have not adopted any children? I would love a brother or sister from Africa. I would love him extra.

J: Do you start practicing cutting kid nails when you are pregnant? How do you learn to do it?

Funny Guys

Me to J when I saw him after 9 days!: I missed you so much!
J: I almost forgot about you.

Me to A: You are going to have a time out.
A: A time out? (laughing uncontrollably) Holy guacamole!

V to our new found friend/cousin when he broke out in Spanish: Amiga, siéntate aquí. Ya está.

V upon returning to the nursing home where he had freaked out the day before: Is she still viejita?
Me: Yes
V, screaming desperately: No! Not viejita!

J: Why is it "J walking?" It should be C walking for criminal walking!

A after a 10 hour flight: Are we at A (her bff)'s house?

A on the flight back: A is best for me!

A after wetting her underwear: I peed. Don't be feerious mamá.

V when he noticed that I was walking on the outside to protect him: Are you protectoring me?

A to me in a taxi in Bs As: Princesses sit in prince trucks, not in cabs.

A when she saw that cabs were yellow on top but mostly black in Bs As: Why are the taxis all dirty?

A on mosque domes: They look like the circus.

March 31

And it was snowing/raining this morning. Spring, where are you? I have been remiss about posting and there is not way to synthesize the last two weeks now but...
we are back in NYC after our multi-destination escapade. MoJo had a blast and did not think twice about not seeing us for a 9 days (ouch). AleVit got to be "only children" and to feast in Argentina (yes, veganism was abandoned) while yours truly ate everything in site. As usual, seeing family and friends sucked all the time away so that I did not stroll a single street, go to a museum, buy anything or have any true down time. There is something truly special, sad, and nostalgic about going to Argentina. I belong there and I do not. I am sad that I will never live there, yet I could not. I have close friends and my whole extended (ironically small given the size of our nuclear one) family there. We had a lovely host family and it was great to have my boyfriend come down to meet us. He sure is good with the kids. I fell in love with my cousin's daughter, the most enthusiastic child, and therefore person, that I have ever met. I grappled with death and the loss of dignity that comes to all as the end approaches. I reveled in my fatty bombatty chatting in español with his funny accent and expressions. The last leg of the trip was to Miami, where we encountered the duo formerly known as MoJo. This new one, is tan, cool, has friends in the neighborhood, and sails! Food and family were fabulous as always in FLA- thank you for hosting the big monkeys and then all of us!! My only regret is being such a clutz that I re-broke my pinky toe (and fucked up part of my foot) so that I am now walking around in pain, like a gimp. Back to school was decent enough today. We have just over 2 months left, so it is time to kick it into high gear. Thank you spring break. Where are you spring?

Separation

From when you give birth, you literally begin the process known as separation. When babies begin to realize that they are a separate entity that can be separated from you, their mother, they can get separation anxiety. My children, for better or worse, are not that attached to me. Or so I thought. Their father travels regularly. I am the constant presence. When I have had to leave them for a night (surgery or to deliver a sibling) I have fretted. When we went to Paris for a long weekend without MoJo, I counted down the hours until our return (they did not give a crap). Well, it appears that I may have underestimated J's sensitivity. The night before leaving for Disney, J crawled into my bed crying. I thought it was morning (it was actually 4:40am) and entertained his chat. J said he was too scared to go to Disney and preferred to not go and stay with me. I assured him that it would be a blast, that I would send him with daily notes, that he was going to be with his grandparents... when morning did come, neither one of us mentioned the episode. He went off happy, with his stash of notes (and pictures of his parents, upon his request). While I am certain that he will be fine, 9 days is a long time. Especially when the longest you have ever done is 2. Now I see that it is not just long and hard for me, but maybe also a bit for him. I cannot wait to hug that midget in Miami in 8 days!

LInes

A wearing adult red shiny heels (M's from Halloween): When I was born, I was wearing these heels.

A as she continued to be naughty in a time out after I told her she was not even sorry: You are right, I am not sorry.

A: This is my brother and his name is...w(to V) what's your name?
V: Attach!
A: My name is attach too. We both are attach.
Me: Do you know what attach means? Together, connected. Like twins.
A: Of course we are not twins.

J: Moms are importanter than dads in the family.
Me: Why?
J: They have the babies.

V ordered french toast at lunch yesterday. When pizzas started to come, he said he wanted pizza.
Me: You ordered french toast.
V: I was joking!

A; How do you say "mustache" in spanish?

A pointing to a woman at the bus stop: Maybe that woman is a bruja!

M, after I explained, upon her request, social security numbers: Why do I need a number? We are basically like robots!

V: Why did they make the sky blue? It was white!

J I need to pack money for the trip!
Me: No you don't. Abuela S will pay for everything.
J: What about room service?

V oh V

Me to V: Did you hit A?
V: I did not! I slapped her.

Me to V as he spread out the hummus he was supposed to be wiping up: You are not cleaning. You are making a bigger mess!
V: I do not know how to clean :(

V to M as he gobbled up sushi M wanted: This is not good for you M.

V to L: I am getting big. I am strong. I am going to be a grown up!

Charla

V putting one of J's hats on Cleo (aka Chloe), the dog: He's a rock star!

J to me, holding baby M: Are you her grandmother?
Me: Do you think I am old enough to be her grandmother?
J: Yeah.

J: War is like dodgeball but with guns but when you are out, you are in heaven.

J when I asked him why he had ashes on his forehead on Ash Wednesday: I wanted a blessing.

Me: What is a blessing?
J: From G-d. (shit!)

M: Why do so many buildings have security guards?
Me: They are doormen. Nice buildings have them but not all buildings.
M: So papi is our security guard?

M on her Argentine friend: We are like each other's guides. I help her with English and she helps me with Spanish.

J was dying to talk to the two realtors who came over to assess our apt, one had a motorcycle helmet. J to the other guy: Do you ride on the back of his bike?
Guy: No, I ride the subway.
J: So do you guys live together?
A little later... Do you guys want to play minion Monopoly with me when you are done talking to my mom?

31 Days Vegan for What?

Not sure. Do I look and feel a lot better? Not really. Has it been very hard to cut out cheese and butter and eggs etc? I must say that it has been surprisingly easy. While I am certain that nothing bad is going to happen to me for cutting dairy and fish out... nothing great has happened either. I am more impressed with my ability to live without wine (had it once to survive a BORING dinner) and chocolate (yup, you heard it here). So, I am proud of myself for being able to do anything for 30 days (not floss, not avoid yelling, not daily sit ups... nada), this has turned out to be a not particularly successful endeavor. I am going to try to add more physical activity to my mix to see if anything changes. Ideas?

Duo Banter

A: What's going on?
V: I am not telling you!
A: I am talking to myself.

Me: V, why did you pee on the floor?
V: I did not, my penis lifted up with the pee and did it.

Me: ¿Sabés dónde está pinguino?
A: Of course! (She did not)

A: I am a big girl and you are a little boy.
V: No, I am not. I am big.
A: No, I am the queen. You are little.

My mother to V (her favorite game): I am putting you in jail!
V: Grandmas do not put people in jail!

V: Why is the sky so high?

V to F: The day I become A, I will like chocolate!

V when he gave me a paper he scribbled on: This is mami with papi on top of her.

Happy Birthday Ciccione!

J is 7!!! Remember when M being 7 seemed sooo old? It is here. Even though we celebrated his birthday party last week by taking 11! friends to The Lego Movie and lunch, we are in full celebration mode today. J takes his birthday very seriously and is concerned about all of the fanily members who did not make it to NY. We chose some crappy (artificially) flavored cake for me to make last night for his classmates and negotiated a non corn syrup juice (his line trying to convince me to buy a blue liquid that looked fit for a windshield "nobody is allergic to corn syrup- why can't we get that?") to share with his class. In a few minutes I will wake him up to open gifts. We will have to modify our tradition of opening presents in our bed because nonna is still downstairs! We will be pressed for time as MoJo needs to get spiffied up (formal day) for their lower school Spring Concert. After school I will go with MoJo to get the other monkeys at BT and we will come home to celebrate with NYC family. We LOVE you ciccione. Right about this time 7 years ago, I was getting ready to go to the hospital (or maybe I was there already?)- a;; 200 pounds of me. I remember them sending me for a 2 hour walk to the Time Warner Center. I also remember coming back after one and demanding that you be born. I was in the worst pain ever (still can say his labor was the WORST pain ever) and contemplated giving myself a C-section to make it end. Well worth every ounce of suffering. We are so happy to have you Ciccione- the sweetest drummin' boy in the City!

Lines

J to tío G on their sleepover: Do you have a girlfriend?
G: No.
J: Why not? Your younger brother has one. That's just weird.

V: Can I have a sleepover with Cleo and Buster (tía C's dogs)?

M: I want to make memories at a sleep away camp.

When I prompted V to say "Happy (Valentine's) Day to a teacher: Happy New York City!

When J was screaming "Bye" like a maniac to tío G up Lenox Ave I said: You sound crazy. Stop
J: I am crazy about loving him. I miss him already!

M: When I am old I am going to dye my hair and uncrumple my skin with cream.

J (or M? Cannot remember): Is drunk contagious? Can you give it to someone else?

Me to V, trying to get him to share his bowl of fruit: Sharing is caring!
V: I do not want to care.

My Best Valentine EVER

Dear Mom and Dad,
I love you so much because you are so so so so nice to me. You are so patient with me. I dont know wath I wood do when you are ded. I hope you live to your 100s. I wonder wath I wod be like if I wer born with a difrent famally. Love J

Latest...

V to A as she sat on the couch recovering from a meltdown: Are you happy now? Can you dance with me?

V in the tub: I am growing up into papi!

V to my mother in law with A's magic wand: Presto! You are out of my house!

A to me: Does abuela S have feets?

M to me: I am allergic to behaving.

J to me: Can we go to public school so you do not have to spend the money?

V to me: I am drilling to make you cool.
Me: What?
V: I am drilling to make you a pattern shirt!

V called a friend (Jasper) of J's Jazzman and a friend of M's (Nola), Granola:)

Granola to M as we approached our apt: Do you have the goodest room?

February!

It is almost impossible to believe that we have left the first month of 2014 behind already. Life is good. Full of damn snow and snow days (for all but us) but good. On the news front.... I have three children officially turning older this month. AleVit will be 3 (aaaaahhhhh) and a few weeks later, J will hit 7. Mamma mia. Where does the time go? As I sit here cozy at my desk, planning birthday parties and trips, I am truly grateful for all that we have. On a random nutritional note, I have been vegan for 2.5 days. So far so nothing. Not terribly hard, but I do not feel any better. If only I could throw some exercise into it. Maybe this month, given that my mother in law will be here for over 3 weeks!!- yes you read that correctly- I can capitalize and get to the gym gym. Of course every meal will also be a debate with her around. Next month I will separate from MoJo for the longest time EVER. Not a big deal to most, but I will not see them for 10 days!! The longest we have ever been apart was 3 days (once M was stuck in the country during a hurricane and once when I went to France). I am sure they will not care and be fine, but it will be tricky for me. It took us over two hours to buy most (not even all) of the tickets that will take them and me and the mini duo and F all over for our South America and Florida 2014 Spring Break edition. To be continued....

One and One

Sorry for the radio silence. Here are some lines from the last few days...

A: When I was born I used to play the piano and all of the kids said "yay" and I got a Hello Kitty Flower (J got one after his recital last week).

V, in response: When I got older, I got a car flower when I played the piano.

J when I asked him why he does not pass the ball to M in basketball: She is like a carpet.
Me: What?
J: She lets everyone walk all over her (nice sexist player in the making).

A dick father whose son I tutored recently as he wrote me a check: Should I make it out to cash or to you?
Me: To me is fine.
Dick: I do not even know who you are. What's your name? (I tutored his older son a few years ago. Nice!)

V: Did you see the fashion of my robot?
A: Your robot does not have any fashio.
V, crying: Yes. HE DOES. My robot does have fashion.

J on M: She has one patience, and it always breaks.

J when I asked him what was in his (lost) gym bag: My blazer, my tie, my gym uniform.
Me: Not your (new) sneakers right?
J: One and one.
Me: What?
J: I had one old sneaker and one new sneaker in there.

Fabulous! Hope he enjoys that fashion for the rest of the year!

Random Lines

V: La luna is the daughter of the sun, which is trying to shine through.

J, as I was breaking down my day to F: You teach?

J, in my bed, feigning sleep, when I said he should sleep in his own bed: I will pretend I did not hear that.

V ran into the bathroom while F pooped and said: I came to smell your delicious smells!

J The Lazy Teenager

It is very hard to get this boy out of bed! He is like a hung over teenager (and he sleeps like 11.5 hours). A gets dressed on her own before he even brushes his teeth!

J: I am not going to school! I am going to make my own weekend. And it ends next Wednesday.

V The Sweetheart

Recently V has begun a new (cute) trend. If he sees me getting flustered or irritated, he runs up to me and says something random like:

Happy Mother's Day! or You don't know you're beautiful (One Direction Song) or I love you too much!

For My Eager Fan- Just One Line

J to me: I do not know if you know this, since you do not believe in G-d, but what is his real name?
Me: Well, different religions have different names for G-d.
J: What about in my religion?
Me: What is your religion?
J: I do not know.
(Good job parents)

Last Lines of 2013

J: Can you adopt a wife?

V: The ocean is finished!

V: I like to touch my penis.
Me: Why?
V: I want to touch all of it.

A to J: Don't say midget to me, I say midget to you!

M to F: You are not the boss, you are not Mr. Moleskine

A has been trying to use her new doll's chupete. I explained to her that it is not a real one and that she is too big: Well, my baby does not need it. She is not crying.

V as I put a dress on A: Can I have a dress?
Me: Boys do not usually wear dresses.
V: Can I have a blue dress?

M: I am going to read while I walk. I can do it. I have the genes.

J was dying to go to the bathroom at the MOMA today. We walked through a shit bubble (honestly who farts like that in a crowded Magritte exhibit?) as we exited and J assured us: I am holding mine.

When V looked like was pooping in the car, I asked him if he had (hiciste caca?). V said: I am making farts.

M to me: I spoke to papi and he said this was okay but I wanted to check with you.
Me: Okay.
M: When I am 18, can I have an 11:30pm bedtime?
Me: Sure.
M, elated: Will it be gradual or will I like wake up when I am 18 and have a bedtime that went from 8 to 11:30pm.
Me: Gradual. Honestly when you are 18, I will not be able to tell you what time to go to bed. I will have bigger fish to fry.
M: Like if I can go to a movie with my boyfriend?

M to F: Your ipod is totally ignorant.

Vermont Lines

V has recently decided to make a Santa voice and to tell people what they are getting. In his thick voice, he tells A: You want a princess? Behave! After interrogating him further this is what he/Santa is bringing different people: Baby M: a sculpture, E: an octopus, abuela S: medicina, abuela I: medicina, Me and tía C: a necklace... to be continued.

When I asked V if the monster (his meltdown) had left: Yes, someone was not listening to me.

V when M said: None of your business to him: I am learning about it.

In car, V to A: Are you happy?
A: No.
V: Why?
A: Because I am mad.
V: Oh.
A: I said, I am very mad!

J trying to spend abuelo R's money at the bookstore: What the hell is tax?

A: Why isn't (baby) M talking to me?

Me to J: You can skip shower
V to me: I am going to skip bedtime. And I am going to skip piano.

J (and others) still refer to the midgets as "the babies." A inquired: What babies?

A, as she resisted me putting her to bed: I am going to sneak downstairs and surprise papi!

J as we left for Vermont: Is this summer vacation?

J: Is being a parent hard?
M: What do you think?
J: No, all you do is drink coca cola.

Recently....

V on the toilet: My poop is very crumbly and A's is a very good brown.

J to his home-schooled friend: You should go to my school. Do you know where I got my muscles? (pause) My school. Do you know where I got smart? (pause) My school!

M told me that V said "fuck." When I asked him what he said: I said M is a bad girl. My dad (who I was on the phone with said), pointed out:  He is naughty, not stupid, he is not going to repeat it.

J: I just cracked my wiener.
Me: I do not think you can crack that.
J: Well then, I got a cramp.

M on our project playground across the street: MLK playground? The name does not fit; there are always people cursing in there.

After I tried to explain what a saint is, J: So abuelo R can be a saint?

V: A(friend from school) has two houses.
A: Me too, I have one in Miami.
V: Me too, I have one in Philadelphia.

J to a subway poetry slam artist: You are cool!

Lines....

V under the covers: V is gone. You are missing one kid.

V after I had said "tu tía de Italia está acá": I want to see tu tía

J when I thanked J for not tattling on M: I was protecting her with the power of trust.

Me: ¿Quién es mi amor?
V: Thank you.

M: Well then Santa stinks!

V, all the time: I am a woman!

M to J: I will be waiting for you in my grave.
J: Heaven?
M: No, that does not exist.

M to J: By the time you get everything on your (gift) list you will be 90.
J: No, I will be dead.
M: Exactly.

A, randomly: Shhh. Santa is coming.

Me: I look nothing like (baby) M. People might think I am her sitter.
J: You are too old to be a babysitter.
Me: I am not older than L (she is 53).
J: Yes you are!

¡Feliz Cumple!

Happy happy 18! Please vote and don't smoke. Te quiero mucho mucho. Hard to believe you will be in college soon. xoxo

Recent Lines

V to A: I am going to get you a new kitten next time for a treat.
A: No, get me a lollipop and a candy bar.
V: Me too, I want a candy bar.

V on a neighbor's toy gun: I want a turn with the drill!

A: V is not going to come to by birthday.
Me: Yes, he is. You have the same birthday.
A: No, we don't.
Me: Who is older?
A: Me. I am older.

V in bed with us: J has lots of hair. Papi don't have hair. Papi should get more hair. Does papi have hair this am?

A: You are in the mamá seat.
Me: No, this is the passenger seat, there is no mamá seat.
A: Yes there is. You are in the mamá seat.

A to V on the street: Do not jump or the neighbors will get angry.

V to me as I got dressed: Who gave you those petetas?

V singing to himself: My penis, my penis, I have a very big penis, my penis is longer!

Haircuts!!

It has been a week since my midgets got their first haircuts. I was shocked at how happy V was to sit (so still) and have his locks chopped off- he never mentioned his old hair again. A was a bit more hesitant to sit in the chair at the barber shop (each hair cut was a whopping $10!) but walked away with a cute bob. I am still mourning the loss of V's long hair. Everyone seems to think he is super cute with his new generic do (think pudgy boy) and of course he is but... I miss my little long haired boy. Guess what? People still say "what cute girls- are they twins?" There are so many firsts... this time around, they are last firsts and lasts are harder to swallow.

Twodler Humor

V to himself: You have to focus!

A to L: I am Sally and V is Nick and you are Cat in the Hat!

me to A: Can I have a bite?
A, with bagel in mouth: When I am finished.

V to me regarding my classroom: This is a beautiful room

A to V: I am not being impatient.

MoJo & AleVit Lines

M: I am so well potty trained. I could not have an accident if I wanted to.


A: I want cockcorn.
V: Me too, I want cockporn.

M: It is funny how your body is trained so you do not fart or burp in front of people but you let it all go at home.

M: That is the worst part of birthdays. Thank you cards.

A: I want some Thomas (hummus) on my chips.
V: Me too. I love Thomas.

M and J disagreeing while playing 20 questions...
J: But super heroes do exist!
M: No, they do not.
J: Well I think they do, so this is hard for me.

M: Do you think you could stand it? To have one more kid?

M: What are the religious backgrounds in our family?
Me: Well, papi's family is Catholic.
J: You mean athletic?
Me: No, Catholic.
J: That does not mean anything. You mean athletic.

9!!

Cannot believe you are almost in the double digits. 9 years ago today I became a mother. Hard to believe I felt busy before then. May you continue to grow and love people and books and swim and snuggle. You are my first true love. Que los cumplas feliz!!

Twoddler Comments

A: Mamá, I am younger than you!

V: Mamá, why I love you?

V: I am totally not tired.

Backlog of Lines

J to me: You get to do whatever you want.

A playing with lever she made with fork and food: I have to focus (she was making glasses with her hands)

V on (poorly cooked) pasta: It is too hard. Rough. Not good. (M verified that he was right).

M when I told her F would not be happy with how dirty I got his phone: He just ran 26 miles, I think he can handle cleaning his phone.

Me to A: Did you like swimming?
A: S(the teacher) is my best friend!

V to A: Are you mad? I am!

V to A this am: Give me a hug!

M when she saw a man with a Superman costume on Nov 1: He is so yesterday!

J: Are you going to be a singer in my band? Or be in a puddle?
M: I want to be a doctor.
J: That will take a million years to be a doctor.

J: My life is terrible because I have the meanest teachers and people are always bossing me around.
M: Life is not perfect.

M when I asked her if she knew why they were punished (no snack for throwing out part of their dinner): You are doing it so we have a vague idea of being hungry. People struggle and a piece of bread is like a miracle.

M: If the rich gave a lot of their money to the poor- then it would be fair- we would all be middle class.

Little Trixsters

Last Friday F and I went away from the night. I warned tía D (thank you for caring for the monkeys!!) that getting them down was hard, that they wake up mad early, that sometimes A pees through her diaper etc etc. Well, these went to bed early and with NO hassle and slept until... are you ready?.... 8:15 am. WTF? This is like saying noon. I do not think they have ever broken the 7am mark. The best part? They did not ask for us even once! On Saturday they took a step further and went into the pool ALONE after weeks of BS (one of us getting into the pool with them). So, I guess I am happy and sad. My midgets are grown grown.

Happy Anniversary!!!

12 years married. Almost 18 together. Almost 24 that we have known each other. Happy anniversary amore. Happy first to T& M!!!

Lines

J, when asking for dessert: I just want something delicious to bring my taste buds up.

J while wearing my vest: You have an indoor pocket!

M: Gym was torture today. I did not know I was such a couch potato.

J: When your nose grows, do you get bigger morning mocos?

M: I have been through many of (tío) D's girlfriends and I like them a lot.

J: Papi, you are a good man. Will you play?

J to me when I asked him (as always) to walk faster: You used up all my energy pulling me like a kite.

School Projects

A third grader wrote this about me when asked to write about an adult he admires, it summed me up an cracked me up as well:

I admire Ms. E my Spanish teacher. She is a good Spanish teacher because she speaks very good Spanish. Ms E is an intelligent person. She taught me how to say unfriendly in Spanish. She is nice, but strict. She has a strict voice. She lets me say the words of the month. She is a good mother because she is nice to M (his classmate). I like being in her Spanish class and I admire her as a teacher.

J's teacher shared the following with me at his conference today, he had to complete the prompts:

I am: good to others, healthy, myself

I can: jump rope, defend others, help, love

I have: my ability, faith, love, souls

I love: sports, nature, my buddies, my family

Delayed Lines- More on the way..

A to M, who just got braces: I like the necklace on your teeth,

M showing J the woman with the biggest breast augmentation (nice taste children's version of the Guinness Book of World Records): When people die they can donate their boobs and she got a lot of people's.

M: What do you think cavemen dreamt about?

M: I wish I could be born again so I could change my record.

A to V: You can draw here, or you can draw here. Choice, V, Choices (in a very funny adult tone).

V to me when I walked in from swim with M: Where's J? You forgot him! (laughing)- He's here (his very own joke).

J: Welcome to the world of being a kid, you do not get any respect.

M when I told her a nun costume might be inappropriate for me at school: But you were Jewish when you were a kid, you can wear it.

J when I showed him what "cool costumes for boys" showed on google: Well the internet is probably by girls too, you do not know what cool for boys is.

Recent Ones

A: I am four and a half.
V: I am three and a half.

V: Mamá, can I have a sleepover at L's house?

Me to F: Remember when we camped in Greece?
J: You camped in the movie?

V: Mamá, can I see your eyes? Are you angry?
Me: No.
V: Can I see happy eyes?

J, after we bought marshmallows for camping: Can we go to a store that sells fresh sticks to roast them on?

The Best Letter I Have Gotten (Ever... I Think)

After much drama this morning and a lot of aggravation from M, I got this note from her hand delivered at pick up:

Handmade envelope:
To: My true love
From: your embarassed daughter

Letter:
Dear mama,
I (heart) u 2 much!!
I am sorry x infinity for my behavior this morning!! I hope (and think) tomorrow will be better. I thank you for being so patient and so understanding and compared to my behavior you are a saint. I hope you will forgive me. It's just that once I get frustrated there's no stopping me. I know how many times I have apoligized and by now it's probably meaningless but, I encourage you to forgive me and the results will (probably) be wonderful. Thank you for going this far in reading my letter. M (ita)

Oy

J to me: You do not understand what being a cool boy is for Halloween. Blood, weapons, violence.

J to me getting angrier: I am not thinking like a girl, like early childhood stuff like you mamá. You have to learn to live with a boy, who likes guns and stuff. Boys think violent.

J to M and to F and to anyone who will listen to how inept I am: She does not think like a boy

Me to M: Can I help you figure it (piano) out?
M: No. I do not want anyone to help me. Not even if Beethoven came over to ask me.

Ce Soir

M: Can we upgrade our bedtime to 8pm?

Me to A: Are you out of bed? Did you just turn the light on?

A: I came to tell you that V is your problem.

Me: V is my problem?

A: Yeah.

Some Lines

M: Is there such a thing a neutralist? I think I am one. Sometimes I look on the bright side but sometimes I jump to conclusions.

J: I think in Africa they are unlucky because they do not have a lot of food or stuff but the kids there are not bratty at all.

V to a classmate with a party hat on (at her bday): There is a party on your head!

M: I feel bad for you mamá that deal with bratty kids at school and then come home and you are with more bratty kids.

J when Netflix kept getting stuck: This is really breaking my nerds.

Recent

V to A as they sat in their high chairs (aka prison) eating dessert:

V: Show me your angry face. (she does)
V: Show me your sad face (she does)
V: Show me your monster face (she does)

A to me: What's your name again?
Me: mamá
A, squinting her naughty squint to J: What's your name again?

Me to A: Te divertiste en BT?
A: No.
Me: Por qué?
A: Because I am a bad boy.

Me to A: you are hurting V.
A: Oh, well.

New Ones

M: If authors were honest and put some of the bad things people said about their books on the back, you could know if a book was really good

Me to J: You might be punished.
J: Yeah, well, I will punish you.

J: I miss being little but I like being big. I wish we could be both.

J: I want to give some of my money (he is donating his piggy bank) to Singapore; to the kids who get caned.

J on the police using weapons: Cobs are not bad guys.

M: Papi used to be Fit Frank and now he is Loosey Joe.

M: It's normal that your belly is floppy after all the babies.

J: I do not want to be super skinny or normal like papi, I want some muscles.

V, all the time: Mamá- Are you angry? Are you joking?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIMES TWO!

happy happy 32 and 33 to my two favorite world travelers. so glad you got to celebrate it in Italia! hope to be with you on the next one. xoxoxoo

Roses & Thorns

My sister likes to do this exercise a lot so I thought I would frame my day in these terms.

Rose: J performing (quietly) confidently on the bongos with our head of school in chapel.She sang (great voice!) a song by Odetta and played the banjo while he drummed away. Last night he told me how excited he was and asked me if it was a one time performance or if he was in the band because in the band would be awesome!

Thorn: M getting her palatal expander and being UNABLE to turn the motherfuckin' "key". So she is uncomfortable and I am inept and no matter what I could not do it. I have watched YouTube videos and I am convinced that my device is defective. Tomorrow I will request the help of my engineer neighbors. It does not help that fine motor skills, coordination, and spatial intelligence are all not my fortes.

Rose: A new (adorable) first grader whispering tome in the hallway as I took her back to her classroom: Thank you for teaching me Spanish (I almost cried).

Thorn: Wrestling an orthodontic instrument and putting MoJo to bed to then be knocked out by the smell of SHIT in the kids's room. Ay ay ay. When will A be really potty trained?

Rose: V telling me he "loves me too much."

Voilá

J: Can we donate some of my toys? To poor kids, not bratty ones.

J: I am lucky my parents are rich so that is why I am going to give my money to the poor.

V to me: You are a good boy mamá.

V: I will get in big trouble? Or in tiny tiny trouble?

J, trying to throw his notebook away: I lost my talent. I cannot draw anymore.

J: When I grow up, do you think I will be like (tío) D or how I am now?

J on his new teacher: She is stressed out because she is having a baby.

M on her new teacher who seems less strict than expected: She isn't hardening. She isn's messing around but she is not that strict.

M on J's teacher: You need to do stellar behavior now at the beginning of the year.

V as I walked out the door with eyeliner on: Mamá, are you a princess?

J: I do ask for a lot of stuff don't I?

V, the morning after a rough bedtime: I am done with my time out.

DAY 1

MoJo loved their first day! When I asked them to share high/lowlights, neither one had anything negative to say about the day. I saw J at lunch (11:30am) and he asked me if we were going home soon. I guess he needs to build up some endurance. I also learned that he asked M to do his homework and that she obliged (we clearly had to redo it). Here are some lines from his first night of homework. He had to complete the sentences:

The things I like are...family, friends, toys
The things I do not like are...bossy people (he specified that he did not mean me), zucchini
I am good at...creating sounds, making rhythms
I wish I could... help poor people.

I am pooped. AleVit was up (she crying and he night terrors screaming??) on and off for two hours and I need to sleep.

BLAH

It is true I have been lax in posting. The film blog has not been touched in months! Depressing. I am happy to be going back to school on Monday. I am not so happy that F is about to leave for the week. There are so many logistics for this first week and the whole schedule is messed up. The BT days are wrong, the tutoring is messed up, it is all disheveled. J is a complaining machine. Both kids looked happy after their orientations however. AleVit is IMPOSSIBLE to put to sleep and A continues to not poop or to wait until the second I put on her diaper. No progress. V is fully trained.
Some lines from the last few days:

J: I just want to be a normal man like papi. He does not have to do piano or karate.

J: I only want two things: to be healthy and to move in with my friends when I am done with school to Brooklyn or something. That is my wish. Make that three wishes. I also want to be happy and strong.

New Ones

J to M: Have you ever tried to impress a boy? Like do cool things? I do it all the time.


M to J: You only like spinach because of Popeye.
J: Of course, Popeye introduced me to spinach.

J: Policemen should have swords. Also cars should be electric. People should walk more. If you are in the desert and see a llama or a tiger you need to be strong and fast.

V as we left abuela's house: I just love it here!
V on the subway: I love New York!
V looking at grandpa's ugly toes: What did grandma do to you?

J: I want to be a policeman to help the country.
Me: I would rather you do something more peaceful.
J: Like yoga?
M: Like a librarian?
J: I  want to be an overachiever. Do you think I can have like three jobs and be like a policeman during the morning and a scientist in the afternoons and a musician on the weekends?
M: I think my starter job is going to be a babysitter.

M: Can you not let the babies go to my room? I have not taken precautions.

Sleep is F&*^#^%#(d!

We threw away our chupetes yesterday and all hell has broken loose. It took forever to go to sleep last night and I just quit trying to make them nap after an hour of BULLSHIT. They were falling asleep on our way home and do anything but stay in their beds, even as I sit and guard them. There is singing, playing, jumping, laughing, turning on lights... it is truly a miracle that more people do not beat their children. It is enough to drive a saint to drink and I am far from a saint. So they will be grumpy this afternoon and tired tonight and I have thrown away 3 hours of my life accomplishing nothing in just the past day. I actually could not care less if they are tired tonight as I will not be putting them to sleep. Oh what a joy. I wonder what life would be like if I had a single kid who respected me.
PS L put them to bed in 5 minutes- the cherry on the cake!

Aaaaaand We're Back!

Vacation time has come to an official close with the return to NYC. Road trip to NC via DC and Philly, topped with Sesame Place was a hit. Despite no washer and the shaggiest and nastiest rug ever we had a blast. Beach was beautiful, dunes were cool, pool was nearby (and I drove the kids there myself!). Highlights included fishing for J, mini golf, watching both midgets cry at an amusement park (they had to stop the rides), snuggling with baby M, and spending time with C& E. The volume of crap to deal with (mail, laundry, unpacking, appointments) is overwhelming but I am trying to get ahead before school starts up again. Here are some lines from the last few days:

V: Mamá, you say puta male?

J: Who decides if you get buried or burned?
Me: You do.
J: So John Lemmon did not have a chance to decide.

V likes to call people: Pee in the butt (he means pain).

We recently discovered that he is a parrot and that he has a flawless memory. He started chanting in the car: I hate piano! I want to skip piano (perfect imitation of J)

M: Do you think I will be a great driver like papi or an average one like you, no offense?

Me to V: Do not worry.
V: I have to worry. I already worried.

J as we left before dawn: Is this the speck of dawn?

V to me: I give you a timeout.
Me: You cannot. I am older than you.
V: I am older.

M after crying because C had left: I just want  you to know I love you as much as I love C.
V: Oh, thanks, I feel better.
M: I just have a special connection with her.

Recently

 V to E: Do not knock down my castle or I am going to say I hate you, be quiet and shut up.

Me to J: Are you dressed to go fishing and making your own breakfast?
J: Yes, like a man should.

V to me on the beach: I am going to get you a new dress, yours is all sandy. I have a wallet and a metrocard.

A to me: Do you like gum and candy and presents?
Me: I like presents.
A: Then poop mama. You have to poop.

A with my coffee mug in her hand: You may not drink my coffee.

J: Do you think I am skinny enough to fit through the bars of jail?
Me: Your head would get stuck.
J: I will use a hurdle( girdle) to shrink it.

Just Now

V: What are you doing?
Me: pipi
V: I am not going to say yay!
Me: Ok.
V: Okay, a little yay:)

Summer!

is coming to a close. Miami was fabulous- our hosts were gracious and patient and generous as always. Tomorrow morning we are off for a mega road trip to NC via DC. Twodlers have been up to their antics destroying homes and (sort of) potty training (more on that another time). When grandpa came over to day bye tonight, he said to duo "Here's trouble one and trouble two" to which A responded, "You are trouble three!" When V ran like a maniac down the street (and almost into it) I sprinted to him and asked "what do you think you are doing?" to which he replied: "I am superman!" I look forward to these days out of town and to the beach with C & E and baby M!

Twodler Update

V: Are you happy?
Me: Yes, are you?
V: No, because my daddy hit me in a time out.
Me: Papi no te pega (he does not hit you).
V: Yeah, I am funny. My other daddy hit me.
Me: Oh, I am sorry.
V: That's okay.

Me to MoJo: If you two stop fighting I will give you a prize.
J: Like what? Gum? Maybe a toy? A book?
Me: Maybe a cash prize.
J: A baby brother?

A to me: Is your gum spicy (what I tell her when she asks for some)? You can spit it in my hand and I will eat it.

A after she peed in her underpants for the second time today: Don't worry mamá- it's an accident.

J said he wanted to stay with L and the babies (old habit- hard to abandon the moniker). V inquired: Can I see L's babies?
_______

The diaperless movement is having some ups and downs. We are doing better than in Miami but still not so hot. I want to avoid diapers and not use them as a fall back but I do not want a shitty car or a lake in every corner of the house. Ugh.

Yesterday the duo went to BT for the first time in weeks to participate in the cubby ceremony. This small ritual is very special and consists of a child walking his/her cubby over to the next room. Last year A marched her cubby over to the toddler room and kept calling V, who had no interest, over to the room. Yesterday was the exact opposite- V ran across BT (bigger trip) and flung his cubby into the Big Kid Room (BKR). Midway across the "bridge" to the BKR, A threw her cubby down and started screaming and melting down. I had to pick her and her cubby up. When I asked her about it later, she said "I do not need it." I asked her if she was sad or scared to leave the toddler room she confirmed. Little A- not so big after all.

Minis

A (as she takes off her underpants): I am maked. Take off your pants and get maked (to J).

V: Can I have a medialuna?
Me: You just had a churro.
V: Okay, can I have a medialuna first?

V (holding an invisible phone): Wait a second mama. I am on the phone.

Playground pronounced by twodlers: A: prayground, V: payground

V: Where is your culito papi?
A: He is sitting on it.

Happy Birthday C!!

Your first bday as a mamma. Happy month to baby M. Cannot wait to see you both.
XOXOXO

Lines

A to me: Are you a grown up?

V: I pooped in my pants like a lady (upon checking his underwear he had skid makes- more lady like than a turd?)

V to me (thank you MoJo): You are stupid and you are not funny.

J to me: You are not nice. You only got me two toys here. You treat me like a piece of dirt.

M on her "boyfriend": We like each other but you know, more than regular like. (G-d help me)

A to me: Are those petetas (her version of tetas) for (baby) M and (tia) C?

M: Are you going to have another baby?
Me: I do not think so.
M: Why not?
Me: It is a lot of work.
M: WHat do you mean? You just haev to do the thing, be pregnant and have the baby.
Me: Well, there is breastfeeding,
M: You are an expert at that, not like C.

Recent Lines

A to tia E- You are older and you can have gum and candy and make up.

J to abuelo- You are the best grandfather in the world but don't tell I (grandpa) or he will kill me.

M re not attending a sleepover at tio G's- I do not think he wants to take care of two fighting children so I rather not go. Do you think he will take it personally?

A to V- You a baby and I am a grown up.

Me to V: Are you a twin?
V: No.
Me to A: Are you a twin?
A: No, I just share with V.

Crazy Duo

Yesterday's highlights included AleVit trying on everything they could at H&M and melting down when I would not buy the Hello Kitty umbrella, hat, and purse. Part two involved them getting into the elevator and the door closing (M was distracted) as I listened in horror to them crying and laughing. My neighbor went up, M went down, and I stayed on two, where, when the door opened, the elevator, to my horror was empty. WTF? M found them in a lobby. A couple more minutes and they would have been walking to Dunkin Donuts! A and V got into a huge physical smack down yesterday as well. I had to carry A after V ripped out a CLUMP of her hair (he was holding it in his hand very non-chalantly) and they began to slap each other across the face! The best part for all was AleVit fawning over baby M. They look HUGE next to her. A ran to get her a noni and pete when she cried and both tried to stroke her head all the time. V noted "I am big. My hands are so big and my nails are big" as he sat by her. When I remarked how blond he was to M. he said "I am a blondie. You have blue hair." We have some new funny neologisms: Cockcorn (popcorn), humprella (umbrella) , caramali (that is J's word for calamari).

Kid Honesty

Me after coloring my hair: How does my hair look?

M: Fake.

J: It looks the same but better. You look younger.

A after I tooted: Say excuse me.

Me: Excuse me.

A: Thank you.

On A Roll

We (MoJo et moi) have been non-stop erranding since yesterday.
Yesterday: BT-dentist for ortho referral-gyno (east)-home-haircut (buzz- J)-ortho visit (way uptown)- piano lesson (UWS)- bank/fro-yo etc-back to Harlem to pay barber, print pics art CVS and then the evening with all 4 solo.
Today: School for errands, Book Culture, Church to drop off megabags-Pinkberry-Old Navy/H& M (have to return most of what I bought) and then home for piano and an afternoon of library & park with all 4 monkeys.
Potty training is going pretty well- A pooped yesterday! Stay tuned for the poop accident story.

Today's Thoughts

Me: Toddlers do not eat gum.
A: I am not a toddler. I am a nena.

J: When you kiss can you breathe?

Me: Si no te acostás me voy (if you do not lay down I am going to leave).
A: Ok. Leave.

J: Why are they naked in bed?
M: It's called having sex.
J: What is sex?

A when I accused her of something: I not. So be fine mamá.

Twodler Talk

V, pointing to doll: That is my baby
A: No
V, pushing it in the stroller: That baby came out of my belly.

V: One time I fell off a motorcycle.

or another favorite

V: One time I was up in the sky with a monster.

V Goes Diaperless

He loves underpants. He can pee on command. Not sure that he ever asks to pee. We used our first public bathroom (not counting bushes) today and he was out almost all day sans diaper. He did his first poop in the potty (he is grinning from ear to ear in the picture) but has not repeated the cool trick. I think he is trying not to poop in general. A no longer cares about princess underpants and is not into potty training at all with me (but is with L and at BT apparently). V told me he wants her "princess underpants." He wore a pair of J's underwear today and was proud. They speak like real people now. V likes the expression "one time" and told A she it was "gusting to poop in a diaper." A says "actually" and steals candy and gum and coffee and any other illicit substance while she tells you "I not eat it" or "Babies no comen candy" all the while doing the opposite. One of her favorite verboten items is toothpaste, even the "spicy" ones she likes.

Wrapping Up

This week has been looong. It began with our final installment of the stomach bug (nice to drag from one week to the next!) with poor M staying home on Monday. She called me no fewer than 8 times and  left me little notes all over the house. As sad as it is when your kids don't feel well, they sure get more docile and sweet. F was kind enough to have his illness abroad and A and I emerged as the only unscathed family members. Week 2 of July camp wraps up today. Little M is over a week old now and seems to be sleeping like a champ and learning to eat. I hear from my mother, who is over in PA, that all she does is sleep and eat (not sure what other skill she could show off at this point but my mother seems to think she could cry more or something) and that her parents are happy and relaxed. As much as tía C denies it, I feel an overwhelming sadness at this distance, never to be shortened, that now lies between us. When I had M we saw each other every day and had the luxury of seeing each other more than once a day if we wanted to. Tía C was and is such an integral part of her life, that I understood her jealousy when she said "now she has to take care of a baby and I will see her less." I will do my best to visit as I am sure they will but I will never be able to be a fraction of who she was to my children. With no other sibling remotely close to parenthood and no chances on F's side of the family, it just doesn't look like I am going to have the chance to be a super (present) tía.

Today's Crop

A to V: You are right, give me a high five (he does). Good job!

A, disrobing as she eats: I take this off so no se ensucia.

J upon seeing a completely covered Muslim woman: Is she a ninja? Can I wear that for Halloween?

J when I asked him if I should cut my hair: It could look kind of good, not worse than now. Do not get mad if you do not like it.

Banter

V to J at playground on vehicle: I am driving to Miami.
J: There is Miami up ahead!
V scoffs: That is not Miami, that is the playground!

V: Is gusting!

V: Don't touch my boo boo
A: I not. I kiss it (smooch)

BT teacher: You are going to fall off the chair and get hurt.
V: I want to fall off the chair and I want to get hurt.

A, appropriately: Oh Jesus! (where the f did she hear that?)

A, also as if she knew what she was saying: Facki facki facki! (I think I know where she heard that)

J when he learned I did not bring goggles: I wish you were smarter today and had packed goggles.

M, after being home all day sick: At least now I can see baby M when someone goes to Philadelphia.

V, obsessed with all vehicles: I drive the digger and you go in the backseat.

V and A to M and J: Guys, don't squeam in my ears!

J to me: I love you and everything that you do for me.

WELCOME BABY M!!

and then she was born. With great timing (labor started as we drove effortlessly, against all rhyme or reason) and many of her New York family here. She is a patriotic baby. She was born exactly one month before her mother's bday just like my first born and they share four letter names beginning with M and ending in A. Yay! I am an aunt. An aunt who lives far away. An aunt who brought a violent stomach bug with her and has been unable to spend an iota of time with bebé, but an aunt all the same. M is thrilled and overcame her jealous (her first welcome home sign read: Welcome Home Stupid Baby) fit to sink into a "I don't want to leave Philadelphia" one. I arrived at the birthing center an hour and a half after she was born (E's text "progressing slowly" was followed by "It's a girl!" less than an hour later). When F arrived with the brood I took them each in for a minute. J was shy, M was in love, A gave a her a suspicious look and V asked "What she doing?" When I explained nursing, he then stated "She come out of C's belly." He gets it. When I later asked him his cousin's name he chuckled: "Sea Sauce. Just Joking." Tía C was a real champ. All natural, super fast pushing, and in case she forgets, she told F that is was all unpleasant, that she would not do it again, and all sorts of other notions that you forget in order to promote the human species. So, we leave tomorrow am. I spent a total of five minutes with baby M, but enough to testify that she is very cute and small and has super long fingers (not from my side of the family). Congratulations to the new parents. May you sleep and enjoy this super fleeting phase!

Banter...

M: How much is it to have a baby in the hospital?
Me: A lot. But you have insurance.
M: I am deciding if I want a midwife or a hospital. But I am going to get insurance

J: Do you think I should be a garbage man, a recycling man, a drummer, a scientist or work in a soup kitchen?

J: You better shape up mamá.
Me: Why?
J: Because you have a hernia.

A: I want to go to BT!
V: No, I go to Miami! I need to go to Miami.

V to J: I do not need your high five (ouch!)

Yay! Booh.....

Let's start with the bad news first. I discovered a lump by my navel yesterday and to make a long story short, it is a hernia. I have just fat (yum) poking out through the weakened abdominal muscles (intestines would be an emergency) and I may or may not need to get it repaired. It is depressing to be so defective. How many operations and problems can one pseudo healthy person have? Put me down for quadruple wisdom tooth removal, double knee arthroscopic surgery and two microdiscs. What the duck?

Okay, the good news is that J can read!! Not like fluidly or anything but the process has taken off. Very happy for him. Also, V peed in the potty last night and tonight. He proudly called abuela and said "I peed in the potty. I talk to grandpa." Once he was on the phone, V upped it to "I pooped on the potty." He is ambitious. If this streak continues, he will get to choose big boy underpants- an item I will actually splurge on for this midget.

Off to feel bad about myself and my dilapidated body (CAT scan revealed all sorts of signs of my broken self) and to eat something.

New Ones

As J yelled at A, V interrupted: Don't hit me Wakeenee.

A, as F blew in her face: Papi, don't blow me, blow Gaffar.

A to V: Sorry.
V: Don't do it again!

Me to A: No me pegues en la panza (don't hit my belly)
V: Be gentle with mamá's baby.
Me: No tengo un bebé pero tienen que ser "gentle" con el bebé de C.
V & A in unison: Arrorró Mimito, arrorró mi corazón.

M: Before Martin Luther King, when there were racists still, I saw that bathrooms said colored or white. Would they have made me go in the colored?

A to L: V need a timeout.
V to L: Don't listen to A.

PS

I forgot the best part. The joy on V's face and the hug that he gave A when they were reunited after a (long for him) 3 hour break up. Too damn cute when they spontaneously kiss and hug. True love.