Little Somethin'

V- This family should work together and be nice to each other!

A- Every day is earth day :)

V after asking me what those big buildings were: I am going to live in a project. I'm only going to have 3 or 5 dollars.
M- You may want to live somewhere else.
V- Okay, I am going to live in Africa. A place with no wars.
Me- That is a place with a lot of wars.
V- Okay, I'm going to be a New Yorker and be running all day.
A- I'm definitely living in California.

M- When Trump farts, it smells like sun tan oil.

V- Voting for Harry Cliffin because Bernie is not in the game. How do you get out of the game?
A- Obama drama. Vote for Trump, you live in a dump, Vote for Obama, you live in the drama.

These Kids

V while practicing piano: What is the "o" with the hashtag?

V on the monkey bars at school: Oh shit! (this led to his teacher giving him a time out while trying not to laugh)

A excited about a new hand me down: This is a Jewish coat.
Me: Do you mean British?
A: No, Jewish.

V to F: You and me are kids. And brothers. Best brothers.


M getting ice cream: Sprinkles are overrated.

A trying to bust into M's room: We are sisters. I can still see your privates. I don't care!

V to L: F ate this weekend. Don't get too excited.

Words of Wisdom

V to A: You always tease me. If you tease me, when I grow up I might not treat you the right way. You should stop.

While eating breakfast, V: Trump is not going to win.
Me: How do you know?
V:Because he is a racist.
Me: Who told you?
V: J
Me: What does that mean "racist"?
V: He says words that are mean.

BIG Weekend

My almost 5 month old had the weekend of a lifetime. He went to his first zoo and met a donkey, tried food for the first time(yams!), and went to his first swimming lesson! He did not make a peep and he stayed in the teacher's arms for the full half hour splashing and kicking. He had never even been submerged in water as most of his baths are sponge baths. I am very lucky to have such an easy happy baby. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

We DID it!

We made it through our first week of school. I barely had any of my classes due to transition week for the younger students. I did not tutor a soul (nobody has gotten bad grades yet) and most after school activities have not started. But I am beat. Maybe old? Maybe uninspired? I feel silly paying someone to take care of little f. Someone should be paying me to hang out with him. He is so sleep trained that we do not see each other AT ALL. He is in da crib by 7:30pm and does not wake up until some time between 5:45-6:45am. He nurses and then goes back to sleep. We are like ships that pass in the night.

I cannot remember what I have and have not shared of (mostly V) quotations so please pardon any repetitions. Here we go:

When I asked V about getting in trouble: No, I did not. Ms J and I had a meeting in the cubby room about not talking during meeting.

When I asked again the next day: Today was good. I did not get in trouble. Well, except for one thing with the paint.
Me: What thing with the paint?
V: Don't worry about it mamá.

J and I were arguing because he wanted to take communion in chapel at school and he said: But I love Jesus (and I puked in my mouth a little).
Me: Fine. But you are still not taking communion.
J: And when I am thirteen, I am going to have a Bar Mitzvah.
 (as you can tell we are doing a stellar job with the religion thing)


More soon...

Welcome to September!

And we are off! Sad to write but I am back to work tomorrow. I have never been less enthusiastic but I am hoping that once I am there I will get back into the swing of things. We are on night three of "ferberizing" little F and so far (knock on wood) so good. The first night we had to take V out of the room because he was crying more loudly than his brother. He could not stand that we weren't "helping him" and I felt his pain. F was on duty all night and had to go into the room for two one hour stretches. Last night little F cried for 15 minutes at bedtime and then BAM slept 10 hours straight. We shall see what tonight brings. With all of the anxiety about going back to work I doubt I will sleep much anyway. It is amazing that a few nights ago I was nursing him for hours and hours at night and had him in my bed and he is already adapting to being independent. Little F!! Someone should pay me to spend so much time with him.

Some ZIngers

V: I hate Donald Trump. Is Harry Kliffin president yet?
Me: Who?
V: The girl!

While discussing Bill Clinton and his notorious affair, M: Did she work at the White House?
Me: Yes.
M: Was she in his closet?
Me: You mean cabinet:)?

V: I swear to G-d!
Me: Don't swear to G-d.
V: I swear to G-d and death and hell!!


J: It's a squirrel!
(tía) H: No, I think it's a chipmunk.
V: It's not a chipmunk, chipmunks sing!

A: Should I marry a coke or a water or a person?

(tía) E: What do your farts smell like?
V: I never fart.
(everyone laughs)
V: I didn't say I never farted. I said I THINK I never farted!

Back Blurbs

I have been remiss in posting lines from the past few weeks. Here are some highlights:

V: I'm gonna live in Miami so I don't need to sign up for college.

V trying eggplant parmigiana: I love this salagna!

A looking at a woman leaving the park with 5 children: She has so much childs.
Me: Just like us, five.
A: Yeah, but she has a baby.

A: I was stretching and then I realized I had so big muscles.

V to F: Do you know who I am? You must definitely should.

F caught V kissing F's penis and told him not to. V: But I love all of him!

M: I don't like using nail clippers. Scissors are better. You always have to edit with clippers.

V (can't remember context): Run for your life! You are in AMERICA.

J: Yeah. Babies are definitely worth it.

V: This is the worst family I ever had.

V on A when they grow up: I don't even know where she is going to work!

V: When I was a kid did TV exist?

A on little F returning him to me: I don't do crying.

V: What do you call a three humped dino?
V: Pregnant!

Me: How do you know about snapchat?
M: I have friends!

A on a hike at the top of her lungs: I HATE nature! I HATE bugs!


??: Happy ever after is over. Wish we could have a happy moment.

A trying to convince me to ring a friend's doorbell as we walked by her house: Fresh DirecK does it- they just ring.

J: Is it worth having the child? All of the stress? I'm only having two.

M in the car when I told her we weren't stopping: I think it is illegal if they don't feed us lunch.

V: Did it hurt when (little) F came out?
Me: Yes.
A: But she is used to it.
V: Did you cut his ptitín off?

August Part I

V: Do we really have a baby?
Me: Yes- there he is.
V: I want to see what he looks like when he grows up.

V: What do you call a three humped dinosaur?
V: Pregnant!

V to crying F: Don't panic

V angry with A: Then I am never going to play with you. Have a good luck. Have fun with nothing.


V: I love (mini) F with all my heart.

A: Does (mini) f know he is a human?

JULY!!

A: Do you think I am hairy? I am going to get more hairier.

V talking about the kiddie pool: I want to go to the cat pool.

Me: You are behaving like angels.
V: Angels do not sleep.

Me: Why didn't you sing your favorite song (played at a concert)?
V: I was nervous.

M: Do you know what this called (a halo)?
V: Angel top?
V looking at Gwen Stefani: I think she has a mask on.

V: Do you remember when Buster ate chicken food and he got chicken pux (no typo)?

J: It would be sad if you went to heaven and I went to hell.

A: Is champay (champagne) British?

A: I think when I grow up I am going to be a British English Italian Spanish French girl.

A: I will be okay if we go to a place that speaks British.

A looking at F getting out of the shower and pointing to his "love handles": I can see your muscles that make you so strong!

V:  A lot of bad news happens in NY.

11

You are over 11 weeks old now. Hard to believe that your big sister is 11 years old. I remember pre-blog, when I used to type a journal online and I noted that J was 2.5 months old and M was 2.5 years old. As they say, it keeps on going faster and faster. Right now you are in turbo needy mode, one of these "leaps" as they call them. It involves fussing and crying all day long unless you are literally on me or eating from me. You only nap if I lay next to you (not so convenient) and you make me pretty cuckoo. I had an MRI today for my knee today and it was a mini vacation despite the loud noises and claustrophobia. I know I will even miss this in a few months and years but right now I am sore and tired. I do not think my hernia wound is healing right but who knows- I am not taking the pain meds and you are constantly on me, so that does not help. Here's to a smoother July. M at Songa and J in MIA- miss my monkeys!!

July Musings

A: I like F how he is right now. I did not like him how he was before.
Me: How?
A: No eyebrows or eyelashes.

F to J: I am sorry to hear that you guys gave mamá a hard time today.
J: Well, it's not my fault if mamá decided to have five children.

V: Do grown ups do wet farts?

V to A: Just let me handle him (F).

V: Is it possible for a slug to get to California in one minute?

J: I think we should have another baby.
A: No thank you.
Me: No we are done. And six is an even number.
J: have seven!

V: Is it hard work making babies?

A, out of the blue: This is crazy! Everyone in my class has light skin!


V: I love him (F) so much, I won't forget him when I am dead.

A: How important is F? Super important.

J: Did your tetas used to be normal?

He Scoots!!

I put little F down on his Play mat belly down .... I heard him grunting as I tried to do something in the kitchen ...less than five minutes later he had traveled off the mat and across a considerable portion of our rug. crawling at 2.5 months? What the? We are in for some serious precocious motoring. All of our kids were on target or on the late side.

JULY!

V trying to soothe F: Okay, whatever, I quit!

A, scooting by me: Hey mama, yo sexy!

A on more than one occasion: This is the cutest baby on earth! F and.... what's my baby's cousin's name again?

V to me: Listen punk!

V: It doesn't hurt to die, it's peaceful. Before I get to one hundred and a half I am going to kill myself.

V: Is death a power? When I'm a hundred I am going to shoot myself.

J looking at an obese kid: I don't want to be mean, but is that kid going to have a heart attack?

V: This noni smells like money.

V: Is g-d dead?

J: What is anus?
Me: Your butt hole.
J: What's an anus crime?
Me: Heinous crime?
J: Yeah.


V: Can Santa get arrested?

June Lines

A; What should I be when I grow up?
Me: Do what you love.
A: I love mamá. I am going to be you.

A or V: What smells so good?
A or V: Maybe your butt?

M: It is so weird that every human in the world was a baby. Like Trump. And Hitler. Everybody.

A: Was papi drunk when he had hair?

V: Is abuela D five feet from dying?

A:  I need a decoration for picture to look cute. I'm ugly.
V: You are the prettiest in the family!

V: His hair smells like money.

V: Before I was born, was there tv?

A: I think that's enough milk for a little tiny child.

May Lines

V: Why was your culito invented? If it didn't have sides
Me: You mean cheeks?
V:Yeah, it could just be a bigger hole and you could get the poop out faster and not even wipe yourself.

A: How does it feel to be a grown up?
Me: It feels great.

A: Does (mini) F like you?
Me: I hope so.
A: He thinks your are fantastic. He can't stand how much he loves you.

V: When I was a baby I saw G-d and he said I was the best person.



PS My high tech phone, where I jot down notes died, so I lost many funny lines :(

Progress

After a long week with no other adult in the house, I realized that I can do this, that it is okay if someone cries every day (other than little F), and that sleeping is indeed important. F went from being a champ (7 hours straight followed by an efficient feed) to a disaster (three nights of torture where nothing made him happy and close to no sleep was had) to back to 7 hours in a row. How convenient that he began sleeping the night his father returned. He has pretty much abandoned all day time and night time fussiness since F's return and vow to care for him at night. They are currently on their third nap of the weekend, big and little F side by side. I am starting to think that little F is messing with me!

10-5am in HIS bed ON THE BELLY

We had several hiccups since my last victorious post. But now I think we may have it! He likes to sleep on his belly.
Little F has recently begun to make little sounds and to try to hit me when I am trying to put his chupete in his mouth- very surprised to see a feisty child (ha ha).
He is a very easy baby thus far. This could of course change at any time. He spent the morning in the car going to watch his aunt in a half marathon and he did not make a peep!
It's hard to believe it has been almost four weeks since little F arrived into the chaos. He is still pretty small but finally outgrowing his newborn outfits.
Also new in his skill set is "talking" or cooing as well as rolling over (once!) from belly to his back.

10:30pm-530am

F slept!!
Now we just need to move him to his bed :)

V Original Jokes

Why did the dog go out in the sun?
To get a hot dog!

Why did the dog go out?
To meet another dog and then a cat and then a dog and then a cat so he could have a play date.
But it wouldn't be good! Because they are all going to fight!

Comments

V to me: Is your teta the most important part of your body?
Me: To (little0 F it is.
V:  If it breaks, there is only one left!

V: When is C's baby getting the tip of his pitín cut off?
Me: That already happened.
V: He must be crying

V during piano practice: I am only five! I cannot even do math.

A: Can we buy cherries? My stomach has been waiting for them!

V: I will never forget Uma's name because I said it like one million fourteen times in Miami.

V scooting by our old apartment, looking at the sidewalk: This floor brings back so much memories.

V: Why do mouse traps exist? They help nature.

V; Why did you want to have so much kids? To make it harder?
Me: To make it better.
V: Do you know when F is big he will also not listen to you?

A at piano (which they do at a millionaire's house): I like this bathroom better than ours. I like this house more.
V: A, these are rich folks!

V to J: Can you pop your balls?
J: No, don't do that, that is where babies come from.

Phew

After two SLEEPLESS nights, little F let us sleep last night. Except for a 3-4am fuss he slept (woo hoo!) the whole night. This was particularly impressive after sleeping through a long am drop off (which included me bumping into another car in the rain) nap as well as a three hour nap through Beauty and the Beast (good job M!) he kept on sleeping. M survived her second performance today and J did great in his choral concert. F still sleeps. I am never sure if I should wake him up or not. Looking forward to doing as little as possible tomorrow for Mother's Day.

Firsts and Lasts

Everything is now a first for little F. First subway rides yesterday. First bath tonight. It is bittersweet for while I know that we cannot procreate forever, I am fully aware that it is my last everything. I will never have a newborn again. F has made progress with sleeping at night. He does one long stretch (3-4 hours) and managed to stay in his bed (having him in ours is handy but makes me nervous) last night. I have the most relaxed days in a long time (accomplishments include things like a trip to CVS and washing the dishes) but they go by quickly. I feel like I have not been in school for months and it has been a week or so. I am lucky to have help so I can still go to school to pick kids up, take others to piano. I try to give most of them a slice of my undivided time every day. I am not sure if they will know this or feel this or just remember their childhood as a blur.

Some lines:

J: You smell like F. I can smell him from 5 feet away.

V: I want him to stay small. I am going to shrink him if he grows.

A: The only person I love is you and Mr. Nugget, Mr. F. He is so cute, cuter than me. I think he loves me.

V to F: Are you getting old papa? Your ears are looking old.

On a happy happy note, little J was born to tía C last night. Super fast labor and 8 days apart almost to the hour from little F. I hope and wish they can be close but the distance (which is not far) is daunting.

May I do my best to soak this all in. Firsts and lasts. So lucky to have one more turn.

Progress

Our first two nights at home were not so hot. Little F alternated between fussing, crying, eating- sort of and pooping all night long a la Lionel Ritchie. Something had to give. I am happy to stay up, to nurse, but to never have an end in sight is not sustainable. F got up as many if not more times than I did. Little F thought it appropriate to sleep all day long and repeat his evening performance. We tried putting him in the chair he loves to sleep in during the day, with a swaddle, no swaddle, chupete, no chupete, in the bassinet. Last night we went to bed at 8:40pm (a world record) with the other 4 monkeys and invoked the sleeping spirits. While it was not a perfect night, it was much improved! We had one three hour (yahoo!) stretch and several 30 minute and one hour ones. He did sleep on our bed (a no-no) but at least we made progress. The work week begins tomorrow (hello May!) and I need to be able to make it through the night without F's full assistance.
More later...

A and V on little F

A, as I kissed her good night: It's great that you are not pregnant anymore!
Me: Yeah.
A: At least, people still think you are because you look it!

A: I just love this little nugget.

V: When are you going to yell at him?

A: Are you going to scold him?

A: He is my favorite person in the world!

WELCOME LITTLE F- Your Birth Story

We did it! You are here. Truth be told, I did not not think I would make it. I won't get into all of the gory mundane details now, but let's just recap: I woke up at 5:30am with my water broken (weird). I proceeded to alternate between gushing and dripping (why didn't I buy diapers?) all day, speckled with some painful manual interventions from our favorite OB. Whoa, that was painful and still no contractions. Mid-afternoon we headed to Mt Sinai, which seemed more like a third world clinic than a NYC hospital. They had no pads (when I asked), or room, or information until the last waterfall of fluid came out of me and they thought it more quaint to set me up in triage. I had a minimal dose of pitocin only to have it be halted because "all of the ORs were in use." Who cares? Well apparently this happens never, but when it does, they do not want to encourage anyone else to go into labor so all pitocin stops. Suffice it to say, that 2 hours later I was really in labor and trying to breathe and think about how I had done this, how each contraction was one down, visualizing the baby coming down.. I was not yet out of my mind. But in this third location where they had me birth, I had another 40 minutes or pitocin and I am not sure but I suspect that this what was brought on the most violent and painful rash of contractions of my life maybe. Think oscillating between sweating, wanting to vomit, not feeling my hands (which were purple at one point?!), feeling an elephant smashing my cervix while another one was trying to come out of me from the back. Not pretty. I was thinking "this is a 20" (earlier I had rated my pain at 6 like an asshole from 1-10). Thank goodness this excruciating pain I described was under an hour. I started to push soon after and in 2 (or 3?) pushed you were out. I screamed so loud while I pushed that I surprised myself. I have never made such a primordial and loud sound. I always thought women yelling in labor was TV stuff, unrealistic and for dramatic flair. I may have woken up the whole hospital. Bu there you were. Little boy. 8lbs 3oz- not the 12 lber I thought you were. Perfect and quiet (probably scared). I began to shake like never before. I was freezing and my teeth were clanging and it went on and on despite the blankets. I was shaking so violently, that they said I could not hold you. Now all is calm. We are in a beautiful room overlooking Central Park. Your father slept with us last night. Thank you tía A for keeping the monkeys. All you have to do today is meet 4 crazy siblings and anyone else who ventures here to see to our latest and last love bug. We love you little F!

Yes, I am Still HERE

When I went to work yesterday I got lots of comments: "Are you still here?" No- I am a mirage. A whale-like image of myself. I think it is safe to say that I cannot predict when I am going to give birth. My guess is this week, but who knows. I am trying to get as many things done on my never ending "to do" list and trying to savor, if that is possible, this last time. For while pregnancy is amazing, the miracle of life astounding etc- when you get to this point- with an actual full person living in your abdomen region- it is alien-like, surreal and hard to believe that you still have organs functioning. As rough as birth is, I think the baby would rather not come out as a rule. So warm and dark and fat and easy to eat in there. Enjoy little guy, you are coming out soon and meeting 4 loud monkeys. Some time soon after that, you will meet little M, her little baby, and join this crazy ever-growing family. Hang tight!

You Would Think

that at this point I would know what the onset of labor is like. I do not. For the past 24 hours I have thought that I was in labor. But I am not. Why did I wake up three times to go to the bathroom? Why is there such incredible pressure? Are those baby kicks? Braxton Hicks? I know not. I am a moron I guess and unable to pinpoint the onset of labor. I can tell you that it is close. F is not a fan of the weekend so the next three days are not ideal. I loathe even numbers but they seem to be my doomed fate. April 22 is not a good birthday. Either is April 24. Honestly, my other three even month and day birthdays at least occurred in odd years. Please don't triple even me.
I am hot and large and trying to finish my last dozen reports before heading to my 100000th sonogram. It is a real luxury that I can sit here at home, with the garden breeze and do this. My school is so generous. I will be back to school briefly to do community service class and to get my four monkeys. What a nice day. No baby today please.

The Waiting Game

Here we are, one day shy of week 39. I am ready but not ready. Still surreal that another person- less portable than he/she is now, will be joining us soon. Whenever I am in public with the crew I do a head count and always feel like I am missing one. I suppose when I get to 5, we will be complete. I am now so grotesquely huge in the front that strangers on the street regularly offer unsolicited comments ("a boy right?", "any day now") and congratulations. I am not apparently big enough to get a seat on the subway- this week I have been offered a few seats, but I ride many a subway standing. I am actually more comfortable standing, but that is not the point. I am in and out of school with doctors appointments, trying to complete my end of the year school reports as my sub teaches my classes. Very lucky to have such a flexible job, boss- no complaints here.
At my last visit to the ob, yesterday, it was confirmed that 1. The second doctor does not know me and 2. She is as annoying as my regular one. Not a visit goes by where she does not offer some "scary fact (Dr- "sometimes, in your third pregnancy- your uterus will be so stretched out that it does not contract efficiently and labor slows down" Me- "This is not my third pregnancy and my last labor and delivery was my biggest and fastest"), warning (Dr-"Because you are older, we cannot let you go a week past your due date", Me; "I am more than a week from my due date" and then in my head- are you going to remind me of my age every time I come??), or uninteresting offer (Dr- "Would you like to have the baby today? I can strip your membranes."). Anyway, it looks like my regular one may be on vacation when I deliver, leaving me with her carbon copy, ie it will make no difference. I can only hope that this baby comes out fast, or as my friend at work says "as fast as it went in."
Recently a friend asked AleVit about the impending arrival. A did not want to talk about it and V said that hospital part was disgusting. I assured him he did not have to come to that part, to which he replied "I'm coming!"
Any guesses as to the arrival date, gender and weight of this baby? The nurse at my school is convinced that it is a big boy. I told her that if I have a 7 lb girl, I will have to hunt her down. I am hoping for a 9 lb baby (8.5 might be more realistic but I want to justify the two tons that I weigh) and we are still back and forth with the boy name so a girl would be easier (though- fuck you John Legend). See you soon?!

Cultural Observations by A

A: Can girls be Jewish?
Me: Yes.
A: Then why don't they wear the caps on their head? Oh yeah, they wear the blankets. Also in UNICEF and other countries far away the girls wear blankets on their heads because they are bald.
Me; They are not bald.
A: They also wear blankets on their bodies

Wrappin' Up

So.... I think the end is near. While I have done this before, the thought of a (hopefully LARGE) baby coming into our lives soon still seems abstract. I am not anxious for him/her to arrive but cognizant that it could be any day now. I am not sure if it is my age or weight or amnesia, but I do not ever remember feeling this uncomfortable before. There are parts of the day when I am carefree (mostly standing), but other parts where I cannot get comfortable, feel incredible pressure in my pelvis, or cannot stay awake. While I have been sleeping better than I was a few weeks ago (thank you nature), I cannot help but feel extra heavy and awkward in bed. F tells me that I snore (lovely) and every time I want to adjust my position in bed, I feel like a crane could come in handy. I definitely used to be better at this. I already weigh 5 more pounds than when the other two were born. While I started off slimmer, I did also have TWO people growing in me, so it looks like postpartum will be chunkier than desired- especially because I will only be burning the calories needed to feed one baby.

Okay, back to more important topics than my already ruined body... what will I rename this blog? Ideas? I really did have 4 kids, 3 jobs, and 2 bedrooms when I started and now I will have 5 kids and 3 bedrooms but what do I have 4 or 2 of? Hmmm. I do have 4 delinquent children, but that may not last- one could turn angelic or number five could join them.

In delinquent news... V shaved part of his head by himself and denied it. I mean, crying, screaming "I didn't do it" despite the bald spot at the front of his head and F's wet hair clipper shoved in the garbage. He eventually fessed up when I told him the fibbing was getting him in more trouble than the self grooming. When I asked L about it, she told me he had convinced her that F had done it (he had indeed recently given him a hair cut) and that he was not allowed to touch papi's stuff etc. A real delinquent (and L is clearly a gullible/blind person).

A had two "cavities" filled and it was the single most traumatic medical/dental experience to date. Granted we have been lucky to have avoided any real incidents, A's look of panic and horror as the dentist went on and on doing crap in her mouth was awful. There were tears streaming from her eyes but she did not lose her shitake mushrooms until we left the office, at which point she wailed like a baby for a solid full meltdown.

J is plugging away at the 9000 piano concerts, juries, and workshops his teacher wants him to do. M is busy rehearsing for Beauty and the Beast and has joined a running class that she loves. A and V are still karate, piano and swim midgets and A has ballet (not her thing) and V a science class.

All is well in the hood. To be continued...

Lines

J: Can dogs be transgendered?

J (on crowded train): After that baby comes out with your conchita stay big or get small again? Will you belly be fat?

V: When the baby comes out, wherever it lands it stays right? Because it cannot move.

A?V?: Why do we have spring break? Because we do a lot of work and we need to calm down?

V: If you are the teacher, do you choose what you do with the class?

V: Is g-d a person? Can you pray to stay like a kid forever? Will it work? Matthew (kid in class) taught me how to pray- you put your hands on your chin and close your eyes.
Me:- Does it work?
V: Not really.

A: If you can see far away, are you smart?

V looking at tween: It's a kid and it already has a phone!

V: When I'm older I won't know how to do anything.

V: How did you find papi? You made us but where did you find him?

V calling me to wipe him: I wiped my butt two times- it's legal and official and you need to check it.

Lines

V: Why you never tell the kids at school that your names are mami and papi?

A after F tried to put ambesol on her canker sore: My tongue feels massaged!

A: Just so you know, I am going to be a rock star when I grow up!

A: I love you and the human being who is inside of you!

Thanks A LOT OBAMA

I just got a wonderful free breast pump thanks to our wonderful president. I am week 36.2 and bebé is still down- I am guessing he/she is staying there. I can feel it pushing down when I walk. I hope to make it to week 40 but we shall see. I am not ready but I am ready. Sad to never be pregnant again but also mighty uncomfortable. Home stretch baby!

Week 35.4

Last week's ob visit presented many unappealing and sure to fail options for this puppy to be born naturally. Apparently, this bebé has not committed to being head down and that is not acceptable to any USA doctor. I may have to move abroad soon, as a version seems to be fruitless and unless we can "fake" being head down for the next 10000 sonograms (think one per week at dr and one per week at imaging center from now on) they will schedule me for a c-section. I am going this afternoon and I hope this baby can be or at least "act" head down so I do not have to worry about this. I am confident he/she could come out in any direction (we already have proof of that with A) but my doctor is not interested in my opinion!

Home Stretch Baby!

Well, here we are. A mere six weeks and one day away from my due date. Science tells us that I could meet this baby in even less time (though I doubt it). While this has been my most uncomfortable pregnancy, I am trying to soak it in as it is truly my last. My body is so much achier and older than just five years ago and I think five, a stellar odd number as it is, is a good place to stop. Can we even manage the ones we have? I think so. I hope so. I do not think anyone every regretted having too many siblings and my hope is that these 5 monkeys will grow up knowing how lucky they are to have each other and with some glimpse of appreciation that we did our best. My best doesn't always look (or sound) that graceful, but I try. I digress. My belly looks huge and is quite uncomfortable but most people still don't offer me a seat on the subway. That is okay, I am more comfortable standing. Sitting and laying down don't seem to suit this baby. It is so odd how I cannot imagine anything about this baby- note even gender- and in weeks time I will not remember life pre number five. Only a few days ago did I begin to look through my meager collection of baby keepsakes. Most went to charity. Baby clothes gets discolored. I went into a Babies R Us and felt overwhelmed by the countless products, many non-existent last time around. I did acknowledge and buy some basics like a nursing bra and some bottles. I am thinking this baby will make due with less crap than the others, though I will always welcome hand me downs. A dear friend kindly asked me if I wanted a shower. I was embarrassed to have one for M and really embarrassed to have one for AleVit. I would never want a shower this time- I feel much more private and simple this time. I do not even want a birth announcement email or any of that jazz- social media is too much for me. If we are close (or if we are in the same family), you will know and you will see- no need to parade the baby- though it is virtually impossible to stop other people. Okay, I am rambling. I need to go wake up one tired boyfriend and four slumbering students who must wear green for St Patrick's today. Daylight Savings Time has kicked our butts. M competes in the spelling bee today (hurray!) and sings in the talent show tomorrow (yikes!). Two days until spring break. Will this baby be born in Miami? I hope not. We'll see. Onward!

A & V

Me to A: I ordered you some new shoes.
A: Thank G-d!

V: I want this baby to come out so I can hug you again.

From M's Spelling Test (her illustrations of words)

1. Sometimes in the middle of an argument, my brother and I are speechless and we just stare at each other malignantly.

2. In my democratic opinion, Donald Trump is a loathsome person.

3. You should never harbor or keep inside negative thoughts or feelings.

4. The stars in Van Gogh's "Starry Night" painting are vivid with orange and yellow.

Back Banter

M: Can we watch Planet Earth?
J: What is that?
M: A documentary about nature.
J: Is that one where a man with a deep voice speaks? I don't want to see that.

V: Can we get a cake with shaving (whipped) cream for L?

V: Can you put come jello (gel) in my hair?

V to A: Do you want veins (bangs) on your head?

Studying the rain forest, V and A's teacher was talking about sloths. Do you know that those are?
V: Yes! You use it to clean your teeth (floss).

V as we passed a church: Can we ring and run?
Me: No!
V: Do they have security cameras?

V: Where can we buy money?

A: To be really rich, you need to steal money (true).

A: Can girls and women and ladies be drunk and blind?

Me to J: One day, in a long long time you will thank me for all of the music lessons.
J: Thank you now for making me a quality man.

V: Homeless people miss most of their life.

J looking at a Salvation Army building: What kind of soldiers are those?
Me: It is just a name. It is a charity that helps people.
J, looking at the "executive office" sign"" They execute people there?

V when I told him I was giving him a kiss from papi: Why are you acting like papi?

J to me: Are you 49 or 50?

A: Are M and J brother and sister?
Me: Yes
A: But they are not twins.

One of my students looking at my belly with a bewildered expression: When were you pregnant?

Belated Birthday Post- J is 9!!!

After a djembe solo in a chorus concert followed by bowling and NY Ninja the night before and a special diner breakfast the day of, J is officially 9- his last year in the single digits. Almost a week later, I want to tell you what a great midget you are. A royal pain too, but a talented and hardworking little guy. From chorus, music theory, and piano to karate, swim and basketball. You are a sweet boy and our eldest son. We love you ciccione!!

Death Anxiety

V in my bed this am as soon as his eyes opened: Do you die when your heart stops beating?

Me: Yes. That is what happens.

V; Like in 15 years? Who will be my mom when you die?

Me: No, in so many years when I am really old and you are already old. I am still your mother when I die.

V: I want you to stop and stay how you are now like I am going to do.

Back Log

V has a lot of angst lately related to aging, school, and the impending arrival of the baby. Here are some of his deep (and heartbreaking) comments:

When you die,will I be alone?

I will bury you and when I have a boo boo,  I will put my blood on you and make you alive.

Did Michael Jackson die with his brothers and sisters? He is dead but I love him.

I want a different family. I don't want to live in NY and I hate my school but I still love you very much.

When I am a grown up, will you still love me?

Mamá, why did you want another baby?

_____

J: I am going to make my wife do all of the dirty work like diapers.

Me: Then you will never get a wife if you say that.

J: The I will make my husband do the dirty work!

When I suggested a play date for next weekend, V:

Tell them I am not available!

V: Mami and papi, you are getting too nice!

V: I hate Taylor Swift.

A: But she can make bad boys good for a weekend.

V strolling by a Victoria's Secret window rife with boobs in lace: Is that inappropriate for me to look at?

Me: No.

V: Well I am looking!

V: I want a snack that blows my mind away!

V's name suggestion (no typos) : FIM or KAVIN

V: Do you know jesus was the only baby to see in rainbow he's dead and so are his parents?

V:t is all A's fault. I was going to have a good day and she ruined my life!

V to L as he tried to get to the freezer: Excuse me my darling.
A to me: I love the thing in your tummy and the thing that is above that, which is you.

¡5!

Happy birthday to the best duo I could ask for. Hard to believe it has been half a decade. We have been celebrating hard with family and friends for three days now. After many "happy birthdays", too many gifts, cakes and balloons... you are in bed. Both of you said your birthday was "awesome" and I agree. My favorite part may have been brownies and strawberries in your classroom with M and J. I will be back with funny lines soon but I will give you some teasers in typical V (rude and not true) style.

Upon opening a pj from abuelo: I don't want this- you can have it (he has since asked me to wear it)
Upon opening a plastic Spider man set of (to be fair) crap: This is crap.
Upon opening an action figure from J: I don't want this. You can have this/
Upon opening a lunchbox  he had already seen because he snooped in my room: I already saw that.

He is a piece of work.

To be continued.

I am very lucky to have a two feisty 5 year olds and almost 9 year old and an 11 year old. Each one more unique and intense than the other!!

A & V

V: How does the baby come out of your pipes?
Me: What pipes?
V: Where the food goes. In your butt.
A: It does not come out of her butt; it comes out of her conchita.

A to me: Put cream on my legs and massage them. Do your best. And don't stop until I need a water break.

A to me: Do you know what M is? A fair girl!

A to me: Can you mix my salad so my olives get lost in there?

V to me in the car: Do not sing while you drive. That is NOT going to help you or help us.

V to F: I can't clean up that huge (his) mess! I am a kid. You cannot make me.

A: The city has an end. But the sky doesn't.

Me to A: What is your favorite planet?
A: Earth!
V: We would be boiling on other planets.

January Musings

J: I want to live in Miami with abuelo L when I grow up. I hope his dog is still alive then so it can play with my dogs.

(not sure if I already posted this one from dec).
My grandmother said that she and V looked like royalty sitting on thrones wearing robes to which V replied: You are sitting on a chair like a bum.

A when I told her to go to the bathroom with V: I do NOT want to see my brother's penis.

Me to V: Here is your pasta.
V: Fantastic!


A when she saw F and I kissing: Are you two in love?

V (or A?): Does the president have a gun or a sword?

A: Why is kissing not appropriate in school?

V: Your belly is getting big.
Me: The baby is growing.
V: It is not alive yet!
Me: Of course it is.
V: When did it get in there? It was not in there when I was.
Me: No, after.
V: How?
Me: Papi and I made it.
V: How did it get IN there? WHEN?

20 YEARS BABY

It was 20 years ago today that we sealed the deal with a kiss at the top of the stairs of some subway station in Rome. While I cannot believe that I chose such an amazing human to share my life with when I was so young, I have to be grateful for my good fortune. He may not be perfect, but F is the true love of my life, not sure who else would put up with all that I come with. He is my number one boyfriend and the best father to these kids we keep having. To 40 more years together (I hope) and then I can die in peace. LOVE JEW.

Final 2015 Lines

V: When I am an unaccompanied minor I am going to scream: Coca lola when I get on the plane!

Me: Get your fingers out of your mouth.

V: I'm sharpening my teeth!

As we discussed what was nature and what was man-made on a little Vermont hike:

Me: What about the stream?

V: Man made- broken pipe!

Me: How about you?

V: Man made and woman made.

V: I want to be in JK forever.

As the word Jewish came up, I asked A if she knew what it meant. Confidently:

A: It means married!

V: Where does G-d live?

V: Who made nature and the whole world?

December II Lines

We saw a random religious plaque on a tree and A stated matter of fact: Squirrel information center.

V when he saw a kid's room in PA (one of F's former colleague's sons): Can you take a picture of his room and show Santa? I want everything in it.

V asked a classmate/friend who is an only child with a single mom: You don't have a dad?
Kid nods.
V: Me neither!
When I told F the story in front of V and said I thought the solidarity sentiment was sweet V said: Papi, I still love you.

V: We won't be having the baby, we will be throwing it away.

V: Can our birthdays be separate? I don't want my party with A.

V: Can I have a snack?
Me: You ate a lot. You are going to explode.
A little while later...V: Can I have a snack, something that won't make me explode?

40- Oh Well

So now I am 40. I know it is a huge number and allegedly life changing event but I kind of feel the same. I was taken aback when I saw "Happy 40th" in a book that my sister dedicated to me- I had a momentary lapse where I did not know who it was for or thought it was an error. But I guess overall I am okay with being 40. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and my body is already falling apart but I am fortunate to have fairly good health, a great family, an awesome boyfriend, and the chance to be a mother again. Here we go into decade number 5. Yikes!

December Lines

V: Can I have my wallet?
Me: No.
V: Money is not a decoration.

J: When I get my bearded dragon and it dies, it won't be a a hopeless sad death. It will have a proper death and I will give it a mini tombstone.

J: I know what I will spend all of my luxury on. I will have a toy machine in my back yard. How much do those cost? Will you look it up?

When I told J I had to go tutor: Can't you try to go on a game show to win a lot of money? It could change our lives!

V to F as they were putting away toys: You don't need to hold it. Actually, can you leave? You didn't even brush your teeth!

These kids have a very good sense of smell like moi. I was wearing a hand me down from my friend, their art teacher and A remarked: You smell like art class!

V remarked that the pope (a picture on the subway) looked just like abuelo r's business partner. I said. well that guy is much younger and heavier and super Jewish.
J: The pope isn't Jewish? I thought he was!

V: Tom quit.
Me: What?
V: From Tom and Jerry. He got arrested for crashing his car and now he quit. They need a new actor.

A, when I offered her grilled cheese: Why do they call it "girl" cheese?

A: I think I have a handkerchief in my mouth?
V: You mean a canker sore?
A: Yeah (turns out she has another tooth behind a baby one a la shark)


Doing the rose and thorn game:
V: My thorn is that in a couple of weeks everyone is going to die
A; That is a gigantic thorn!

A: Only Idene is coming? No! That is not Thanksgiving- it can't just be one person

V: How do you say, can you please leave now?
Me: Why?
V: Because I want to practice my Spanish and I want her (Idene) to stop breathing on me.

V: He (character in a book) doesn't like kissing ?
That is silly. Without kissing there is no love and he cannot be made.

Wednesday Lines

A: What does torture mean?
(I give her a cursory explanation)
A: How does Taylor Swift know that girls do not like to be tortured?


V: Do sticks (crutches) in your armpits hurt?

V: I am going to buy a rodent at Chuck E. Cheese!

J: I want to be a security guard.
Me: Dream bigger.
J: I want to work at a diner so I can eat bacon every day. Or own a toy store so I can take as many toys as I want for my kids. Or a dream job could be a gym teacher.


J: I am not going to buy a house. I am going to live in an RV.
Me: How will your family fit in there?
J: I will live in my wife's house and the RV will still be mine!

JK Stars

When I was recently brainstorming with V for his G list (it is G week!) it dawned on me that he has no idea what that means.

Me: It is in a zoo. Guh guh
V: guh guh elephant!

Me: I am thinking of a small fruit. Guh guh
V: Apple!
Me: Gray-
V: Grayberries!

V: How about crap?
Me: That is rude and a c word.
V: Butt?
Me: Also rude and a b word.
V: Mud? Crud?

As part of Thanksgiving, each child makes a wreath decorated with words that describe what they are thankful for. A wrote:

eating, blueberries, my family, my friends, swings, when my dad makes soup, dress up, rainbows

Would YOU Rather???

V: Would you rather be glued to the bottom of your bed or stuck in a drop of blood?

J: Would you rather be rich but bald or have a clown wig stuck on your head?

V: Would you rather be stuck in a chimney and when Santa comes down his butt is in your face or get hit by a car and die?

¡11!

How can it be? We love you so much and you are so big on this 11-11. Stop growing. Stay 11!. Hope you enjoyed your frozen hot chocolate, your Family Ties box set, and your purple bean bag chair. You will always be our number one. LOVE LOVE LOVE. ¡Feliz cumple frupi!

Recent Lines

V when I hugged him goodbye: You are my dream.

A to V: You are peach and I am brown. I don't like peach skin.
Me: You do not tell people you do not like their skin color.
V: I am a light light brown.

New terms by V: Holy nuts!, What in the city? (used as WTF?)


V to his parents: Where did you find me?

Vh to J: What is your favorite subject in school?
J: Recess!

V on Marriage and more...

V: Holy nuts!

V: Can you unbutton my shirt so I can show my muscles?

A getting on the elevator: It smells like the mean teacher in here!

A and I were laughing because we had a yawning attack together and V said: I heard the baby yawn too!

When I was trying to put V to sleep he yelled from his bed into the hallway: Is the baby sleeping?

V out of the blue walking home: When I am older I want to get married but I don't know who to marry, there are so many girls.
Me: You do not have to worry about that- so many will want to marry you.
V: Why? Because I will still have my muscles?
Me: No, because you will be funny and nice.
A: I want to get married.
V: No, you can't. You are my sister.
A: You need a a tie or a bowtie.
V: No, that's not for me.
A: Mamá, give him a handsome shirt.
Me: You are only 4, you do not need to think about this now.
V: Can I choose her right now? I saw pretty girls in the entire city!

V pointing to a sign like the one below: Mamá, is that what your heart will look like when papi gives up?

Baby Comments & More

V: How do you dress the baby in there?
Me: I don't.
V: It is always Maked? (yes- I let him say it with an m because I love it)

V: When you pee does the baby's pee come out too?
Me: No.
V: So all the pee is inside?

V: You are going to get bigger and bigger and bigger and KABOOM, the baby will come out.

A: Do you have milk in your tetas?

At least two people: Did F know about this plan? Does he agree? (this makes me think of Rick Moranis is Parenthood and his wife making holes in the diaphragm)


My boss: We have not had a chance to talk about your astonishingly wonderful news (not sure if she meant the opposite)

V: Before I was alive were there other people alive?

V: When I am dead will there be other people alive still?

Happy 14!!

It was 14 years ago today that Sargent Pepper asked his band to play. Not really. While our wedding anniversary is not as important to me as the actual number of years that we have been together (almost 20!!), it was a delight to come down to flowers and chocolate and a beautiful and funny card. I am so happy to have you as my number one boyfriend in my life. I hope that one day we can settle down and have a family. Thank you for being a wonderful partner and a man I admire in the interim. Your number one fan, P.

V's October Lines

V to art teacher in the elevator: You are an artist!
Teacher: Who are you?
V: I am V, kid.

V on pregnancy: Your belly is going to get bigger and bigger and bigger and then KABOOM.

V's list for Santa as dictated to M:

Water guns
Big rocking chair
Button
Fake cardboard computer
Trucks
Transformers
Blue Hair Stuff
Shells
Gum pack

When I asked for some clarification, he does indeed just want a big button to press that makes noise and his own collection of seashells. When I asked what the single most important item was from the list, he of course said: gum pack.

V as I tried to explain to him that my bed was not his bed and that I do not want him to sleep on it:
I was born on this bed, I am going to live on this bed, and die on this bed.

Hit Me Baby One More Time!

Unlike Britney, this ain't no oops. But yes, we are INSANE in the membrane and have embarked upon our fifth, and final baby project. I am 12.5 weeks along and have begun to tell people so here we are. My funny-things-my-kids-say blog will revert back to a hybrid pregnancy and kid blog. I am large and in charge and while many of our nearest and dearest had reactions that were less than favorable or ideal, on the most part I have been surprised and relieved at the amount of enthusiasm and support. Sure, most of these people think we are nuts and would never consider having so many kids, but some seem genuinely enthused (or bewildered). We figured... you only live once. We would never regret having a kid but we might regret not having one more. Unless you are an artist or an architect or a philosopher, what do we really leave behind? I never met a kid of mine I didn't like and I never once regretted having so many siblings. What better gift to MoJo and AleVit than one more delinquent? This singleton will of course fuck up our nicknames/pairs thing as well as the 4 perfectly spaced out portraits that we finally hung in our bedroom but... life is messy.

Some of my favorite reactions (these will remain anonymous so as to protect those with no filter old and young alike):

You are not pregnant I hope!

You lied to me.

You are fucking nuts.

Jesus Christ! 5?!!

(just an eye roll and silence)

Well, they are yours to raise.

You are a couple of scoundrels. Are you crazy? You can't be serious! You are happy about this?

I am proud of you!

This is the best birthday present ever!*

Wait, we are doing it? Having a baby?*

NOOOOOO! I don't want it.*

No, it is going to knock over my structures.*

An accident of course but a happy one? **

Unplanned of course! **

Okay. So you did not plan this right? **

* spoken by one of my kids

** here is a tip: asking someone if they planned to get pregnant is a little like asking them what sex position they used (i.e. none of your fucking business)

This question, given my age and the number of kids I have, is going to be recurring and I imagine the equivalent to "Are they natural twins?" "A boy and a girl? Are they identical?" and a whole lot of other dumb and invasive questions from the last time around. But for those of you who must know, here is a little TMI. Since I am not very good at too many things, I will boast of this not-that-useful-talent that I have. When I decide that I might want to have a baby***(and never on any other occasion in my 23 years of being sexually active), I "try" and then it happens on the first shot. I thought we were very lucky and or fertile in the past and that this time would most likely disappoint. But nope, not only was this not an accident, it was planned to the day. Okay, my talents end here. I am going to not be myself for a while and not get as frazzled or agitated by the 1000 things that can and do make me lose it. I am a privileged and happy pregnant person for the fourth time and I will enjoy it all since this is really it (I am now too old for my aspiring surrogate career too). May this pregnancy be great, the delivery easy, the breastfeeding (the worst!) forgettable, and may this crazy mamma keep her shit together. For 6 more months. And then 18 or so more years. YEE HAW.

***(and F is in agreement of course)

Some Lines

Me: I will come back in a little while.
V: What you mean is never.

A: How do people get alive?

Me: Do you want to stay for rest today?
V: I want to be a little kid so I don't even have to go to school.

V while his teacher read a story where a ghost climbs a fence: He is going to hurt his nuts!
Teacher: What do you mean?
V: His wiener.

Me: What kind of a big brother are you going to be?
V: Invisible so I can hit the baby.

A: Do kids turn into grown ups?
Me: Yes.
A: No! I don't want to!

J to M: This is our start over point.We need to be on a no curse word diet for the baby.

V: I want to be a baby again so nobody is mean.

V on a homeless man yelling nonsense: Is he telling jokes?

V: When I grow up I am going to be old and die. I don;t want to die.

V: If a person does not have a name can I call him "person"?

V The Realist

F: I am going to miss you! Are you going to miss me?
V: Yes. But also, I am little bit happy because I am going to sleep in your bed. In your spot.

V, after A spelled her name for someone: My name is L-O-V (he signs in to school with a V, writing his name is an elusive task).

V to F: I need the wire for my (fake) laptop. You can find it at Chuck E. Cheese or at dot.com

V: I do not need to learn to read in pre-school. I can go to ABC dot com.

October

V to A: Come outside with me on the balcony. It is dark and kind of scary but I will protect you.

Us to A: Please stop farting in the car. Please hold it.
V: Or, you can save it and fart upstairs where no one is.

Me in the car to A: Did you fart?
A: No.
Me: What is that smell?
V: New Jersey.

A watching Beyoncé dance: I think she's not a person, she's a robot.


V: Why is there skin under the skin of my penis?

A: One day everyone will die.
M: That is called the apocalypse.

J: I want to eat junk and have an evening.

A to her teacher during snack: Can I have some Booty Puffs (Pirate's Booty)?

AleVit

A to an admin assistant in the hallway: You don't know my name do you?
Said woman: No, I don't.
A: I knew it!

V to someone who asked him how chess was: The worst!

V to F about soccer: It was not real soccer- they did not give us trophies! (Clearly this is a genetic problem- the skewed view of extracurriculars)


A to V: We are mini grown ups V!

V to A: I don't want to play with you!
A: Ever again?

V: I can't make friends! Everyone is busy and I can't.

Monkey Talk

In the cafeteria a few minutes ago V summons me over: Mamá! They treat us like rats here; the food is so bad and they are so mean!

Lest you think he be truthful- after a fun weekend of camping (he told me he wanted to camp every day) when his teacher asked him how his weekend was, V replied: It was the worst weekend of my life!

On the way to camping: If you take off your fingers, you cannot pick anything up.

When Pink came on the radio I said to F: Your girlfriend is singing.
V: You have a new girlfriend? You gave up on mamá?

V: Why don't dogs get any money when they lose teeth?

V was going nuts having a hard time pooping. He told me I had to take him to the doctor. When he was done yelling J asked : Is he done constipating?

V to L: I need a new babysitter. I love you and I like you but I need a babysitter who does everything I say and gives me candy every day.

A passing a cheesy clothing store: Can I go in here and check out the clothes?

V when I offered to play with him: You are too big to play. I want to play with my best friend A.

V's Comments on "Day" 1

And by day I mean 30 minutes from 11:30-12pm. Hanging out at school/Starbucks/library/nurse's office with me, F etc. They were aching to get to "school" and were disappointed to get so little so late.

Last week V ran into my boss's office and started banging on her keyboard. I told him that was where kids who misbehave go.
Today, waiting in the hallway: Is that where the bad girl's office is?


At morning meeting: When is graduation?


Waiting to go in: Are they going to give me lunch in there? Breakfast?
Me: No.
V: Then why do they have an oven in there?

Dregs...

V on his plastic bike to A on her scooter on their way to the park: How about we go next to each other and hold hands and chat about things.

V at the supermarket: Can we please buy this yogurt? It makes the fun never end.

V: You know I never forget. Whatever you tell me I don't forget.

AleVit Thoughts While in the BATHTUB

V: You know why I don't float? Because my butt is fat. A, you are skinny so your butt is small and you can float.

A: Mamá, you can stay in here and do whatever you want. You can pee, cut your nails, make diarrhea.

V:You can't smoke!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVV

V: Even when I was born I always tried to talk but I couldn't.

V at bedtime: When are we going back to our real house?
Me: This is our real house.
V: Why didn't we bring the BONK beds from our house?

V: Do you like babies?
Me: Yes.
V: If we get one, will you love us more than the baby?

V: I am in a bad mood.
Me: Why?
V: Stop talking, it's all your fault.

V: You know what I do when I get nightmares? I take them and squash them and put them under my pillow.

V on LOVE and other midget musings

V to me: I love you like a circle because a circle does not end.
Me: Who told you that?
V: I know it.

Later that day when he heard me sharing his poetic line with tía C (he is very embarrassed when I repeat what he says: That is not how you treat love; don't laugh.

Later when I took a stick away from him: I do not love you like a circle anymore!
Me: That hurts my feelings and makes me sad.
V: Well you made me sad first!

V: Are you going to love me when I am big like papi?
Me: Of course.
V: Are you going to send him away?
Me: No. When you are big like papi I am going to be old and you are going to fall in love with a boy or girl your own age.
V: No, I thought about that but I just want to love you.

J to me in the car after I FREAKED out getting lost: I knew you were not lost mamá, just confused and scared.
Me: Some people are just not meant to drive.
J: You know how to drive mamá, you just have to get experience. In a few years you will be good like papi.

V was play shooting everyone and L in jest said: You are going to shoot me? I can't believe it.
V: That's what best friends are for!

A when I told her she could have a sleepover with her best friend next year since they won't be in the same school: I am too young for a sleepover in New York City!

Sunday Leftovers

V did not really get it. He asked me last night when he was going to graduate again. He says that he thought he was going to get bigger and could not see himself visibly bigger. He also does not understand why he is not going to school NOW. He still asks "Is it a BT day?"

M to me on farts: Mine smell like yours but more gentle.

J on 16 Handles: When I retire I want to work here.

V observing a homeless person: Do people with no houses visit people?

The End of an ERAHHH

Today the mini monkeys will "graduate" from their day care/pre - school where they have been for the last four years. When J graduated I was already pregnant with them but today seems like a more definite good bye as the institution will be moving in the spring. Here are some recent comments on this occurrence.

A- I am beautiful today, just beautiful!

V: I just don't know one thing about your school.
Me: What?
V: I don't know how to write my name.
Me: Don't worry; you will learn.
V: Are you going to teach me?

V- K (movement teacher) says our with the old and in with the new!
A- That means we are getting out of BT and going into a new school!

V to me- Can you sit in the front of graduation?
Me- I do not know if I can get a seat in the front, I will wave to you.
V- You will interrupt the audience.

End of July Boy Lines

V upon seeing a big plate of fruit and cookies: Absolutely awesome man!

V to me: Because you are a big one and I am a little one.

V: Am I still growing?
Me: Yes!
V: Why so slowly?

J, getting home: I need to play; I really need to catch up!

J at a toy store: I want to have the kid spirit and I grown up body so I can buy lots of toys when I am an adult.

Me when I complained to V about sharing a bed with him: I am not kicking you; I am hugging you with my feet.

V on the phone with his father in Haiti: Did you have a good trip? Did you bring kids? (while I am not sure what he was talking about I love that he was asking a polite question and had a notion of why his father was away)

Me: Are you digging for gold?
V: No, boogers.

V: If you eat boogers do you get old?

V: You can't see inside my brain!

July Lines

J: She's (abuela) back from Africa? She must have a tan! Wait, do old people get tans?

V while we had dinner: Mamá, do you still miss me from when I was in Miami?

V looking at J's wart by his arm pit: Why do you have another nipple?

A when J asked her what she had been dreaming: Some crap.

A to me: Why do boys always have penises?

Me to V: Is A your favorite person?
V: Not quite.

J looking at shitake mushrooms at the market: Shit take mushrooms?

J: Women are better fighters because they will like do anything to defend their kids.

J: Oh mamá, I might want to be a dj too.

J: Wait, they sell drugs at Duane Reade?
Me: That means medicine, not illegal drugs.
J: Where do people get drugs?
Me: Illegal places.
J, in shock: Famous people do illegal things?

J: I really hate when people smoke by famous places. If my friend is president, I will make him ban it.
Me: What if you are president?
J: I am aiming for goalie but if I fail I will try for president.

Some Lines

J to me upon his return from a trip: Your hair looks awkward. You should either make it all black or all purple- you look like a teenager.

J looking at a magazine: This is an ad for men who can't handle sex.

A to me when I told her we were having a girls weekend: We can't, you don't have make up.

A another time I told her about it: You are a woman, we can't have a girls weekend.

V: I walked in a forest with BT- true story!

J: Sorry for being like papi and wanting everything.

V:Can you buy me lots of money so I can be rich?
Me: No
V: Can you buy me lots of money for my birthday?

? : I like Sesame the movie, not the bagel.

V was talking about garbage on the street, A: They call that "cochino!"

Me to V: What am I chopped liver?
V: No, you are a piece of work!

Deep Thoughts & Precise Language

A when I told her not to call anyone a liar: The whole city is a liar; American, Brooklyn, California and even New York City!

J: The you are a liar too- you are in NYC.

A: You don't know anything about that.

V on a pelican ride in a playground: It's a zebra- they didn't know how to paint so it looks like a pelican.

V seeing a chess board: I want to play cheddar!

V spotting a kayak: Look! A submarine!

? upon seeing me put part of a tampon up A's bleeding nose: Cotton? Cotton candy?

V: I wish I did not have hands so I did not have to do anything!

Chatta chatta

V to L: I have a serious question. Do you think you are viejita?

V looking at the L button in the elevator at a friend's house: Mamá! They have the same password we used to have in our old house!

V: Do grown ups cry?

J: If I see scenes in my head and then they happen do I have special powers?

J: I know Italian! Pazzo! Cazzo!

V: I don't like my name! I want it to be Mick when I am a grown up!

Me to A: You need a haircut!
A: I am going to ask A (her b.f.) if I should cut my hair.
Me: Why?
F: Because they are married!
A: No,  because she is cool.

M: If Ms R (head of middle school) were my mom, I would rule the school and get an i-phone!

M looking at kids menu: There should be a tween menu. We deserve more fame.

V: Can I borrow your sandwich?

J: I don;t get my body. Did cavemen get zits?

Wacky Words

V: Does a city have an ending?
Me: Yes.
V: Where is it?

A on her friend who is Buffalo: She is in Gruffalo!

Me to V: What am I chopped liver?
V: You are chopped liver's friend!

V: Can I have dessert?
Me: You did!
V: That was my feast, now I need dessert.

J on a woman and man we saw on the street: Are they married?
Me: Not sure.
J: Maybe it is his Beyonce.
Me:Beyonce?
J: Yeah. Before you get married.
M: Fiancee!

A playing restaurant: I have fish!
Me: What kind of fish?
A: The dead kind that comes from the ocean!

A friend: How is (your cousin) M?
A: So far... good.

June Musings

V to L: I love you as long as the sky and the sky has no end but a sidewalk has an end.

J reading corn snack label: There is OMG in this corn?
Me: Do you mean 0 mg of sodium?

J when I told him he was lazy: Lazy is just my habitat!

V to J as they wrestled: I am MISS man. Every time you hit me you will miss!

A to me on a crowded and hot subway: Mamá, can you BLOW me? (prepositions are not her forte)

Not sure which monkey: This is powerful junk on this lollipop!

V to A: Can we lay on the hammock together and talk and have fun?

M: Braces make you look so ugly that when you take them off you think you are beautiful!

Recent Chatter

V to me: Did you grow up?

V to me: Do you want my ice cream? It is vomit flavor.

J to me: When I grow up I want a personal chef for calamari. Can I have a bucket of calamari for my birthday?

V: Me too. I want a bucket of calamari and one of mushrooms for my birthday.

V at swim meet: I am very upset at my shorts. They are making me hot!

A at swim meet: Are they warming up?
Me: Yes!
A: By the way, what is that?

Me: That kid is like a train- watch him swim.
V: All aboard!

V after we left a huge mansion where M's friend lives: I am going to switch families.
Me: Are you getting new parents?
V: No, you will be my mom and J will be my brother and V will be V!

V on Abramovic & Love

Upon seeing this video, V commented:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlf68X2qEpM

They are in a love splash.

They are in s much love that your red goes so red that your face pops like a balloon!

Last Journal Entry for J

Some Chatta

J: I am confused, are you E or DF (he still does not get how we are related and whose last name is what).
Me: What do you think? What do they call me at school?
J: Ms D.F.?


V, during the three hour plus tía A graduation: When will this stop?
A: When is this show over?

Mo' M Memos

Dear mamá,
I am sorry that this morning had to be so rough and tough. It is okay with me if you cancel my plans with abuela s and grandpa. I completely respect and understand your choice about that and the afterschool thing. Thank you for bearing with me this morning and reading this letter.
Sincerely, M
PS Even though today was just a bad day, if you decide to let me go with abuela S and grandpa I will come back a changed person, but if you don't, then I still will be, after school. I don't mean to be rude, but I would have never left my bag at home if you hadn't told me to!
PPS I lost the clip for my skirt please get me a bobby pin!

Apology Notes- Sincere or Messing with Us?

We got these last night after M got in trouble in after school for jumping on the tables in the library with a friend!

Dear Papi,
I am sorry for disgracing this family by outrageously climbing on my school's tables. I realize that there will be consequences and I completely understand and respect that. I will do my best to take action and fix my mistakes.
Sincerely, M.
PS Consequences: punishments if your choice and having to earn back trust for being alone in a room.
taking action by: writing a sincere letter to afterschool counselors and trying to earn back my reputation with good beahvior.

Dear Mama,
I am sorry this has to be in written form. I am sorry to admit that I had the outrageous thought as to climb on our school library's tables and chairs. I realize that I am disgracing you and am very sorry about that.I will try to control myself. I completely understand and respect whatever punishment you and papi choose.
Sincerely, M.

Brotherly LOVE

I went upstairs and saw J and V laying on J's toddler bed (intended for one 2-3 year old) while J read Harry Potter:
V: Why do you like my bed so much?
J: I just love you!

V looking at breaded frozen shrimp at Costco: Can we please buy those chickens with the long nails?

A when I asked her to note how nicely another little girl was behaving on the train: Who are you talking to?

L convinced V to work on letters (her thing not mine) by telling him that he would need to know how to write to tell Santa what he wanted. The next day he told her: I spoke to my mom (false) and she said I do not need to know how to write; she will do it for me.

For My Fan

A to L: This car is $1600!
L: It is too expensive.
A: Okay, 10% less.

J when he heard that I gave L the password to our internet for M to work: You should not have done that. She may be a spy and have been pretending to be a babysitter all this time to get out password!

J on his piano teacher: I would pay $1,000 to have her move to Mexico or somewhere far away.

A: Will papi be back for father's day?

J when I told him he could play fewer piano pieces for an evaluation: You finally figured out that I am not Mozart!

V:Killing is the worst but shooting is even more worser.

V as he eyed the clothes I had for A: Mamá, I am not wearing that dress. Not even rock stars wear dresses!

V: Am I older than A with her tippy toes in boots? Is she taller?

V: Miami is the best place ever!

Catchin' Up on Chatter

J and I were talking about body hair and how he wants to remove it when he is older. I mentioned that his (tío) G had a hairy back.
J: Is that why he is not married?
Me: I don't think so. Most people like hair on a man.
J: I think he is not married because he is not that enthusiastic about people.

V during the school musical, Bye Bye Birdie: Are those people or puppets?

J: When M has boobs are we not going to take a shower together anymore?
Me: Probably not.

V: Do not leave me upstairs. I am allergic to being alone.

J: Nobody is symmetrical. Except Mary.

M: I am scared and excited for camp. I am skited!

J: The world would be better if we did not exist!

L asked V and A to behave for some outing. She told them to leave "silly" at home. When they were out and about V was being wild.
L: Didn't we leave silly at home?
V: Yes, but he has a brother.

A

Observing a picture of Wonder Woman....

I am going to be here for Halloween.
Me: Great. We have the costume (M was the same thing when she was 4).
A: But we do not have the boots. I can wear my cowboy boots.
Me: Good idea.
A: But I do not have bee-oobs! Maybe you can be Wonder Woman for Halloween!

It Be Hard to Post

when you are stuck with a great apartment that you cannot rent and a never ending slew of work.
but here are some one liners so you do not starve to death papá:

A: You have very very very pretty eyeballs mamá.

Me to V: Me estoy enojando. ¿Querés que me enoje?
V: No. I like it when you are happy.

J: I just realized I want to be a fútbol player.

V: When I am mad it is not funny. Do not smile or laugh when I am mad.

M at her first seder: I cannot believe they have to do this every year!

V at his first seder: When do we do the part where we look for the colored eggs?

Me: Do you want a treat?
V: Cockadoodle yes!

J: I am excited for passover.
M: I cannot tell if you are sarcastic.

V looking at an ad at Baskin Robbins: If you eat that, it blocks your heart ad then it is sad but you die.

V: At BT we ear french food.
Me: Fresh?
V: From french but fresh.

Me To J: Tenés un ensayo hoy.
A: A massage?

A, watching Led Zeppelin: Do you want to marry those guys?
Me: No.
A: Your hair is like them.

VVVVVVVVVVVVV

V looking out at the snow, today, March 28: It's about to be Christmas!

V playing restaurant with A and L: You cannot speak Spanish in here. Or English. This is an Italian restaurant.

V when I tried to make movie night exciting (all three other monkeys out on sleepovers): Can I have soda?
Me: No.
V: Beer?
Me: No.
V: Wine?
Me: No
V: Cola loca? I love cola loca, it is spicy!

V after I wiped his butt: I need to poop more.
Me: great. I just cleaned you.
V: I do not need to poop more. I need to let my butt breathe a little.

V to F who was trying to put on his swim camp: Um, perhaps, no!

When I asked if he missed his siblings and if he wanted them to come back: No, I want a dog.

Limited Knowledge

Here are some highlights from the last 24 hours...

V pooped in the bidet (nothing like picking up a turd with your hands).

M slipped into the Lago di Como (I tried hard not to laugh).

J explained ISIS to me: They are like ninjas but very bad. Oh-Rock O-bama blew up their country but they are still angry and bad.

V asked who the skeleton was (Jesus on the cross) in the Castello S'forzesco Museum. After I said "Jesus" and told him he was a popular figure in art but mostly as a baby (in that gallery).. A set out to find "Gee-Liss" all over the museum and then in churches (such as the Duomo in Como). The way she says "Gee-Liss" really makes him sound like a rapper.

V's Thoughts in Italia

As I sit down to write, I hear V fooling around (in bed) and I say: I really want to give papi a good report. Go to sleep. To which this midget retorts: Did you know you are just a mean whale?

V in Venice today: I want to go home.
Me: To the house in Milano or to New York?
V: I want to go back to my original life!

V, as we strolled in Venice: This is not North Carolina!

V when he heard that he was the shortest in the family: I am not small, I am tall. I am the tallest in the family!
Me: Sure. You are as tall as papi.
V: Almost!

Okay okay... here come some!

J to F: I like your genes!
Me: What about mine?
J: I do not know what yours are. Papi's are like mine: he likes shopping, pickles, and candy.

F to J: You should watch me put up the blinds so you can start to learn how to be handy.
J: I don't want to be handy.
F: What about when you get married? Are you going to help around the house and fix things for your wife?
J: I am going to be gay so my husband can fix things.
Me: What if he is not handy just like you?
J: Then I would get another husband.


J: Nonno G has more than one car? Is he a millionaire?
F: No!
J: So he is a thousandaire?

V last night as he came down with croup (good times, he sounds like a dying seal): My brain is not talking.

A: This house is too big. I want to move back to our old house.
Me: Why?
A: Because I want to live with S and J (our former neighbors).

J looking at a muscle magazine: I cannot even get one bump!

As I told J not to worry about getting money, I told him that was my job. J: Is papi part of the job?
Me: What do you think?
J: Yes. But who does more?
Me: What do you think?
J: You. But I am more like papi. We have the same genes for old fashioned cartoons like He-man, shopping, and licorice.

Me to A as she sat in a time out: You are misbehaving.
A, screaming at me: And YOU are misbehaving!

V, as J and F discussed genes: I like your genes too. I like to wear them.

Where to Begin?

Moving has been hard. Exciting. Exhausting. We still have about 20 random boxes and bags (but we started with like 85). My darling children never cease to amaze and insult me. Here are some good one liners. Please note that V has had a VERY hard time with the move. Everything makes him cry (he breaks down before every step- going to school, swim etc) and he recently asked L to take him back to his old house: To stay there foreva and eva eva :(

This am as we discussed the worst part of newborns I said something about nursing to which my darling J quipped: Your breasts are too old!

J under his breath as we practiced piano : I am not playing this shitty crap (lovely!)
When I asked him what he said he replied: Papi always says it!

M on her new room: No offense but I thought I would be lonely in my new room but I am not!

A on her backpack that should stay at school with extra clothes: I need it for when I am 5 (she is constantly planning her 5th party) and for when I go to college.

J when I told him abuelo was in México: I did not know he was the type of guy to go to México.

A when she recognized our "old" hood: Can we go back to our old house?
Me: We can but there is nothing in it.
A: We can move it all back!

When I asked V why he did not want to school as he cried hysterically (I was almost in tears) he said: It is too much fun!

A when I told her boys could wear what they want: They don't wear barbs!

J on adoption: If a kid moves out early from this house maybe we could adopt a baby or a big kid from Africa.

Which is more work? If we got a little one we could share food and he could sleep with me and I would have another little brother and papi could make him healthy with his Unicef stuff. If we do not get to do it then maybe I can do it when I am older....

There are more... to be continued.....

AAAAAHHHHHHH

The days keep passing and I never have time to post. I owe the midgets a 4 year old birthday post!! Yup, the dynamic duo is now 4 and they are soooo big. The other big news is that we are MOVING, making the title of this blog obsolete. Yessiree, we are going to have a 3 bedroom apartment in the hood with a BACKYARD. It is hard to believe. I will have to post more when I am not covered in dust and boxes. I just wanted to note that I have a 10 year old, an almost 8 year old and two 4 year olds!!

Today...

V as went to go see a potential apartment with a backyard: I have been dreaming about having a garden.

V in the cab on our way there: Credit cards are important!

A to me: You are not an actor anymore.

V getting up off the toilet: I forgot to swing my penis.

A- Do you know why I like to draw people? Because I love them. Even not my parents I like to draw them. Firstabble I like to draw A (her buddy)- she is really cute. Secondabble: Do you know why? Because she is little.


V: Can I have another turn at S's (his buddy) house?

Un poquito

A: For Halloween can I be a garbage can?

A to me: Papi is so yummy you want to eat his culito. You want to be jomantic (no typo) with him.

J: I looked up a normal family and it is two parents, divorced or together, and two kids or three and a pet.

? I burped and it tasted good.

Delicate Body Parts

A: You have a big belly. Did you eat?
Me: That is not very nice.
A: You have a beautiful face.

Me to J: Did you shower with soap (after swim)?
J: I only washed my hair a little and my butt but I did not put any soap on my nuts.