V The Realist

F: I am going to miss you! Are you going to miss me?
V: Yes. But also, I am little bit happy because I am going to sleep in your bed. In your spot.

V, after A spelled her name for someone: My name is L-O-V (he signs in to school with a V, writing his name is an elusive task).

V to F: I need the wire for my (fake) laptop. You can find it at Chuck E. Cheese or at dot.com

V: I do not need to learn to read in pre-school. I can go to ABC dot com.

October

V to A: Come outside with me on the balcony. It is dark and kind of scary but I will protect you.

Us to A: Please stop farting in the car. Please hold it.
V: Or, you can save it and fart upstairs where no one is.

Me in the car to A: Did you fart?
A: No.
Me: What is that smell?
V: New Jersey.

A watching Beyoncé dance: I think she's not a person, she's a robot.


V: Why is there skin under the skin of my penis?

A: One day everyone will die.
M: That is called the apocalypse.

J: I want to eat junk and have an evening.

A to her teacher during snack: Can I have some Booty Puffs (Pirate's Booty)?

AleVit

A to an admin assistant in the hallway: You don't know my name do you?
Said woman: No, I don't.
A: I knew it!

V to someone who asked him how chess was: The worst!

V to F about soccer: It was not real soccer- they did not give us trophies! (Clearly this is a genetic problem- the skewed view of extracurriculars)


A to V: We are mini grown ups V!

V to A: I don't want to play with you!
A: Ever again?

V: I can't make friends! Everyone is busy and I can't.

Monkey Talk

In the cafeteria a few minutes ago V summons me over: Mamá! They treat us like rats here; the food is so bad and they are so mean!

Lest you think he be truthful- after a fun weekend of camping (he told me he wanted to camp every day) when his teacher asked him how his weekend was, V replied: It was the worst weekend of my life!

On the way to camping: If you take off your fingers, you cannot pick anything up.

When Pink came on the radio I said to F: Your girlfriend is singing.
V: You have a new girlfriend? You gave up on mamá?

V: Why don't dogs get any money when they lose teeth?

V was going nuts having a hard time pooping. He told me I had to take him to the doctor. When he was done yelling J asked : Is he done constipating?

V to L: I need a new babysitter. I love you and I like you but I need a babysitter who does everything I say and gives me candy every day.

A passing a cheesy clothing store: Can I go in here and check out the clothes?

V when I offered to play with him: You are too big to play. I want to play with my best friend A.

V's Comments on "Day" 1

And by day I mean 30 minutes from 11:30-12pm. Hanging out at school/Starbucks/library/nurse's office with me, F etc. They were aching to get to "school" and were disappointed to get so little so late.

Last week V ran into my boss's office and started banging on her keyboard. I told him that was where kids who misbehave go.
Today, waiting in the hallway: Is that where the bad girl's office is?


At morning meeting: When is graduation?


Waiting to go in: Are they going to give me lunch in there? Breakfast?
Me: No.
V: Then why do they have an oven in there?

Dregs...

V on his plastic bike to A on her scooter on their way to the park: How about we go next to each other and hold hands and chat about things.

V at the supermarket: Can we please buy this yogurt? It makes the fun never end.

V: You know I never forget. Whatever you tell me I don't forget.

AleVit Thoughts While in the BATHTUB

V: You know why I don't float? Because my butt is fat. A, you are skinny so your butt is small and you can float.

A: Mamá, you can stay in here and do whatever you want. You can pee, cut your nails, make diarrhea.

V:You can't smoke!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVV

V: Even when I was born I always tried to talk but I couldn't.

V at bedtime: When are we going back to our real house?
Me: This is our real house.
V: Why didn't we bring the BONK beds from our house?

V: Do you like babies?
Me: Yes.
V: If we get one, will you love us more than the baby?

V: I am in a bad mood.
Me: Why?
V: Stop talking, it's all your fault.

V: You know what I do when I get nightmares? I take them and squash them and put them under my pillow.

V on LOVE and other midget musings

V to me: I love you like a circle because a circle does not end.
Me: Who told you that?
V: I know it.

Later that day when he heard me sharing his poetic line with tía C (he is very embarrassed when I repeat what he says: That is not how you treat love; don't laugh.

Later when I took a stick away from him: I do not love you like a circle anymore!
Me: That hurts my feelings and makes me sad.
V: Well you made me sad first!

V: Are you going to love me when I am big like papi?
Me: Of course.
V: Are you going to send him away?
Me: No. When you are big like papi I am going to be old and you are going to fall in love with a boy or girl your own age.
V: No, I thought about that but I just want to love you.

J to me in the car after I FREAKED out getting lost: I knew you were not lost mamá, just confused and scared.
Me: Some people are just not meant to drive.
J: You know how to drive mamá, you just have to get experience. In a few years you will be good like papi.

V was play shooting everyone and L in jest said: You are going to shoot me? I can't believe it.
V: That's what best friends are for!

A when I told her she could have a sleepover with her best friend next year since they won't be in the same school: I am too young for a sleepover in New York City!

Sunday Leftovers

V did not really get it. He asked me last night when he was going to graduate again. He says that he thought he was going to get bigger and could not see himself visibly bigger. He also does not understand why he is not going to school NOW. He still asks "Is it a BT day?"

M to me on farts: Mine smell like yours but more gentle.

J on 16 Handles: When I retire I want to work here.

V observing a homeless person: Do people with no houses visit people?

The End of an ERAHHH

Today the mini monkeys will "graduate" from their day care/pre - school where they have been for the last four years. When J graduated I was already pregnant with them but today seems like a more definite good bye as the institution will be moving in the spring. Here are some recent comments on this occurrence.

A- I am beautiful today, just beautiful!

V: I just don't know one thing about your school.
Me: What?
V: I don't know how to write my name.
Me: Don't worry; you will learn.
V: Are you going to teach me?

V- K (movement teacher) says our with the old and in with the new!
A- That means we are getting out of BT and going into a new school!

V to me- Can you sit in the front of graduation?
Me- I do not know if I can get a seat in the front, I will wave to you.
V- You will interrupt the audience.

End of July Boy Lines

V upon seeing a big plate of fruit and cookies: Absolutely awesome man!

V to me: Because you are a big one and I am a little one.

V: Am I still growing?
Me: Yes!
V: Why so slowly?

J, getting home: I need to play; I really need to catch up!

J at a toy store: I want to have the kid spirit and I grown up body so I can buy lots of toys when I am an adult.

Me when I complained to V about sharing a bed with him: I am not kicking you; I am hugging you with my feet.

V on the phone with his father in Haiti: Did you have a good trip? Did you bring kids? (while I am not sure what he was talking about I love that he was asking a polite question and had a notion of why his father was away)

Me: Are you digging for gold?
V: No, boogers.

V: If you eat boogers do you get old?

V: You can't see inside my brain!

July Lines

J: She's (abuela) back from Africa? She must have a tan! Wait, do old people get tans?

V while we had dinner: Mamá, do you still miss me from when I was in Miami?

V looking at J's wart by his arm pit: Why do you have another nipple?

A when J asked her what she had been dreaming: Some crap.

A to me: Why do boys always have penises?

Me to V: Is A your favorite person?
V: Not quite.

J looking at shitake mushrooms at the market: Shit take mushrooms?

J: Women are better fighters because they will like do anything to defend their kids.

J: Oh mamá, I might want to be a dj too.

J: Wait, they sell drugs at Duane Reade?
Me: That means medicine, not illegal drugs.
J: Where do people get drugs?
Me: Illegal places.
J, in shock: Famous people do illegal things?

J: I really hate when people smoke by famous places. If my friend is president, I will make him ban it.
Me: What if you are president?
J: I am aiming for goalie but if I fail I will try for president.

Some Lines

J to me upon his return from a trip: Your hair looks awkward. You should either make it all black or all purple- you look like a teenager.

J looking at a magazine: This is an ad for men who can't handle sex.

A to me when I told her we were having a girls weekend: We can't, you don't have make up.

A another time I told her about it: You are a woman, we can't have a girls weekend.

V: I walked in a forest with BT- true story!

J: Sorry for being like papi and wanting everything.

V:Can you buy me lots of money so I can be rich?
Me: No
V: Can you buy me lots of money for my birthday?

? : I like Sesame the movie, not the bagel.

V was talking about garbage on the street, A: They call that "cochino!"

Me to V: What am I chopped liver?
V: No, you are a piece of work!

Deep Thoughts & Precise Language

A when I told her not to call anyone a liar: The whole city is a liar; American, Brooklyn, California and even New York City!

J: The you are a liar too- you are in NYC.

A: You don't know anything about that.

V on a pelican ride in a playground: It's a zebra- they didn't know how to paint so it looks like a pelican.

V seeing a chess board: I want to play cheddar!

V spotting a kayak: Look! A submarine!

? upon seeing me put part of a tampon up A's bleeding nose: Cotton? Cotton candy?

V: I wish I did not have hands so I did not have to do anything!

Chatta chatta

V to L: I have a serious question. Do you think you are viejita?

V looking at the L button in the elevator at a friend's house: Mamá! They have the same password we used to have in our old house!

V: Do grown ups cry?

J: If I see scenes in my head and then they happen do I have special powers?

J: I know Italian! Pazzo! Cazzo!

V: I don't like my name! I want it to be Mick when I am a grown up!

Me to A: You need a haircut!
A: I am going to ask A (her b.f.) if I should cut my hair.
Me: Why?
F: Because they are married!
A: No,  because she is cool.

M: If Ms R (head of middle school) were my mom, I would rule the school and get an i-phone!

M looking at kids menu: There should be a tween menu. We deserve more fame.

V: Can I borrow your sandwich?

J: I don;t get my body. Did cavemen get zits?

Wacky Words

V: Does a city have an ending?
Me: Yes.
V: Where is it?

A on her friend who is Buffalo: She is in Gruffalo!

Me to V: What am I chopped liver?
V: You are chopped liver's friend!

V: Can I have dessert?
Me: You did!
V: That was my feast, now I need dessert.

J on a woman and man we saw on the street: Are they married?
Me: Not sure.
J: Maybe it is his Beyonce.
Me:Beyonce?
J: Yeah. Before you get married.
M: Fiancee!

A playing restaurant: I have fish!
Me: What kind of fish?
A: The dead kind that comes from the ocean!

A friend: How is (your cousin) M?
A: So far... good.

June Musings

V to L: I love you as long as the sky and the sky has no end but a sidewalk has an end.

J reading corn snack label: There is OMG in this corn?
Me: Do you mean 0 mg of sodium?

J when I told him he was lazy: Lazy is just my habitat!

V to J as they wrestled: I am MISS man. Every time you hit me you will miss!

A to me on a crowded and hot subway: Mamá, can you BLOW me? (prepositions are not her forte)

Not sure which monkey: This is powerful junk on this lollipop!

V to A: Can we lay on the hammock together and talk and have fun?

M: Braces make you look so ugly that when you take them off you think you are beautiful!

Recent Chatter

V to me: Did you grow up?

V to me: Do you want my ice cream? It is vomit flavor.

J to me: When I grow up I want a personal chef for calamari. Can I have a bucket of calamari for my birthday?

V: Me too. I want a bucket of calamari and one of mushrooms for my birthday.

V at swim meet: I am very upset at my shorts. They are making me hot!

A at swim meet: Are they warming up?
Me: Yes!
A: By the way, what is that?

Me: That kid is like a train- watch him swim.
V: All aboard!

V after we left a huge mansion where M's friend lives: I am going to switch families.
Me: Are you getting new parents?
V: No, you will be my mom and J will be my brother and V will be V!

V on Abramovic & Love

Upon seeing this video, V commented:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlf68X2qEpM

They are in a love splash.

They are in s much love that your red goes so red that your face pops like a balloon!

Last Journal Entry for J

Some Chatta

J: I am confused, are you E or DF (he still does not get how we are related and whose last name is what).
Me: What do you think? What do they call me at school?
J: Ms D.F.?


V, during the three hour plus tía A graduation: When will this stop?
A: When is this show over?

Mo' M Memos

Dear mamá,
I am sorry that this morning had to be so rough and tough. It is okay with me if you cancel my plans with abuela s and grandpa. I completely respect and understand your choice about that and the afterschool thing. Thank you for bearing with me this morning and reading this letter.
Sincerely, M
PS Even though today was just a bad day, if you decide to let me go with abuela S and grandpa I will come back a changed person, but if you don't, then I still will be, after school. I don't mean to be rude, but I would have never left my bag at home if you hadn't told me to!
PPS I lost the clip for my skirt please get me a bobby pin!

Apology Notes- Sincere or Messing with Us?

We got these last night after M got in trouble in after school for jumping on the tables in the library with a friend!

Dear Papi,
I am sorry for disgracing this family by outrageously climbing on my school's tables. I realize that there will be consequences and I completely understand and respect that. I will do my best to take action and fix my mistakes.
Sincerely, M.
PS Consequences: punishments if your choice and having to earn back trust for being alone in a room.
taking action by: writing a sincere letter to afterschool counselors and trying to earn back my reputation with good beahvior.

Dear Mama,
I am sorry this has to be in written form. I am sorry to admit that I had the outrageous thought as to climb on our school library's tables and chairs. I realize that I am disgracing you and am very sorry about that.I will try to control myself. I completely understand and respect whatever punishment you and papi choose.
Sincerely, M.

Brotherly LOVE

I went upstairs and saw J and V laying on J's toddler bed (intended for one 2-3 year old) while J read Harry Potter:
V: Why do you like my bed so much?
J: I just love you!

V looking at breaded frozen shrimp at Costco: Can we please buy those chickens with the long nails?

A when I asked her to note how nicely another little girl was behaving on the train: Who are you talking to?

L convinced V to work on letters (her thing not mine) by telling him that he would need to know how to write to tell Santa what he wanted. The next day he told her: I spoke to my mom (false) and she said I do not need to know how to write; she will do it for me.

For My Fan

A to L: This car is $1600!
L: It is too expensive.
A: Okay, 10% less.

J when he heard that I gave L the password to our internet for M to work: You should not have done that. She may be a spy and have been pretending to be a babysitter all this time to get out password!

J on his piano teacher: I would pay $1,000 to have her move to Mexico or somewhere far away.

A: Will papi be back for father's day?

J when I told him he could play fewer piano pieces for an evaluation: You finally figured out that I am not Mozart!

V:Killing is the worst but shooting is even more worser.

V as he eyed the clothes I had for A: Mamá, I am not wearing that dress. Not even rock stars wear dresses!

V: Am I older than A with her tippy toes in boots? Is she taller?

V: Miami is the best place ever!

Catchin' Up on Chatter

J and I were talking about body hair and how he wants to remove it when he is older. I mentioned that his (tío) G had a hairy back.
J: Is that why he is not married?
Me: I don't think so. Most people like hair on a man.
J: I think he is not married because he is not that enthusiastic about people.

V during the school musical, Bye Bye Birdie: Are those people or puppets?

J: When M has boobs are we not going to take a shower together anymore?
Me: Probably not.

V: Do not leave me upstairs. I am allergic to being alone.

J: Nobody is symmetrical. Except Mary.

M: I am scared and excited for camp. I am skited!

J: The world would be better if we did not exist!

L asked V and A to behave for some outing. She told them to leave "silly" at home. When they were out and about V was being wild.
L: Didn't we leave silly at home?
V: Yes, but he has a brother.

A

Observing a picture of Wonder Woman....

I am going to be here for Halloween.
Me: Great. We have the costume (M was the same thing when she was 4).
A: But we do not have the boots. I can wear my cowboy boots.
Me: Good idea.
A: But I do not have bee-oobs! Maybe you can be Wonder Woman for Halloween!

It Be Hard to Post

when you are stuck with a great apartment that you cannot rent and a never ending slew of work.
but here are some one liners so you do not starve to death papá:

A: You have very very very pretty eyeballs mamá.

Me to V: Me estoy enojando. ¿Querés que me enoje?
V: No. I like it when you are happy.

J: I just realized I want to be a fútbol player.

V: When I am mad it is not funny. Do not smile or laugh when I am mad.

M at her first seder: I cannot believe they have to do this every year!

V at his first seder: When do we do the part where we look for the colored eggs?

Me: Do you want a treat?
V: Cockadoodle yes!

J: I am excited for passover.
M: I cannot tell if you are sarcastic.

V looking at an ad at Baskin Robbins: If you eat that, it blocks your heart ad then it is sad but you die.

V: At BT we ear french food.
Me: Fresh?
V: From french but fresh.

Me To J: Tenés un ensayo hoy.
A: A massage?

A, watching Led Zeppelin: Do you want to marry those guys?
Me: No.
A: Your hair is like them.

VVVVVVVVVVVVV

V looking out at the snow, today, March 28: It's about to be Christmas!

V playing restaurant with A and L: You cannot speak Spanish in here. Or English. This is an Italian restaurant.

V when I tried to make movie night exciting (all three other monkeys out on sleepovers): Can I have soda?
Me: No.
V: Beer?
Me: No.
V: Wine?
Me: No
V: Cola loca? I love cola loca, it is spicy!

V after I wiped his butt: I need to poop more.
Me: great. I just cleaned you.
V: I do not need to poop more. I need to let my butt breathe a little.

V to F who was trying to put on his swim camp: Um, perhaps, no!

When I asked if he missed his siblings and if he wanted them to come back: No, I want a dog.

Limited Knowledge

Here are some highlights from the last 24 hours...

V pooped in the bidet (nothing like picking up a turd with your hands).

M slipped into the Lago di Como (I tried hard not to laugh).

J explained ISIS to me: They are like ninjas but very bad. Oh-Rock O-bama blew up their country but they are still angry and bad.

V asked who the skeleton was (Jesus on the cross) in the Castello S'forzesco Museum. After I said "Jesus" and told him he was a popular figure in art but mostly as a baby (in that gallery).. A set out to find "Gee-Liss" all over the museum and then in churches (such as the Duomo in Como). The way she says "Gee-Liss" really makes him sound like a rapper.

V's Thoughts in Italia

As I sit down to write, I hear V fooling around (in bed) and I say: I really want to give papi a good report. Go to sleep. To which this midget retorts: Did you know you are just a mean whale?

V in Venice today: I want to go home.
Me: To the house in Milano or to New York?
V: I want to go back to my original life!

V, as we strolled in Venice: This is not North Carolina!

V when he heard that he was the shortest in the family: I am not small, I am tall. I am the tallest in the family!
Me: Sure. You are as tall as papi.
V: Almost!

Okay okay... here come some!

J to F: I like your genes!
Me: What about mine?
J: I do not know what yours are. Papi's are like mine: he likes shopping, pickles, and candy.

F to J: You should watch me put up the blinds so you can start to learn how to be handy.
J: I don't want to be handy.
F: What about when you get married? Are you going to help around the house and fix things for your wife?
J: I am going to be gay so my husband can fix things.
Me: What if he is not handy just like you?
J: Then I would get another husband.


J: Nonno G has more than one car? Is he a millionaire?
F: No!
J: So he is a thousandaire?

V last night as he came down with croup (good times, he sounds like a dying seal): My brain is not talking.

A: This house is too big. I want to move back to our old house.
Me: Why?
A: Because I want to live with S and J (our former neighbors).

J looking at a muscle magazine: I cannot even get one bump!

As I told J not to worry about getting money, I told him that was my job. J: Is papi part of the job?
Me: What do you think?
J: Yes. But who does more?
Me: What do you think?
J: You. But I am more like papi. We have the same genes for old fashioned cartoons like He-man, shopping, and licorice.

Me to A as she sat in a time out: You are misbehaving.
A, screaming at me: And YOU are misbehaving!

V, as J and F discussed genes: I like your genes too. I like to wear them.

Where to Begin?

Moving has been hard. Exciting. Exhausting. We still have about 20 random boxes and bags (but we started with like 85). My darling children never cease to amaze and insult me. Here are some good one liners. Please note that V has had a VERY hard time with the move. Everything makes him cry (he breaks down before every step- going to school, swim etc) and he recently asked L to take him back to his old house: To stay there foreva and eva eva :(

This am as we discussed the worst part of newborns I said something about nursing to which my darling J quipped: Your breasts are too old!

J under his breath as we practiced piano : I am not playing this shitty crap (lovely!)
When I asked him what he said he replied: Papi always says it!

M on her new room: No offense but I thought I would be lonely in my new room but I am not!

A on her backpack that should stay at school with extra clothes: I need it for when I am 5 (she is constantly planning her 5th party) and for when I go to college.

J when I told him abuelo was in México: I did not know he was the type of guy to go to México.

A when she recognized our "old" hood: Can we go back to our old house?
Me: We can but there is nothing in it.
A: We can move it all back!

When I asked V why he did not want to school as he cried hysterically (I was almost in tears) he said: It is too much fun!

A when I told her boys could wear what they want: They don't wear barbs!

J on adoption: If a kid moves out early from this house maybe we could adopt a baby or a big kid from Africa.

Which is more work? If we got a little one we could share food and he could sleep with me and I would have another little brother and papi could make him healthy with his Unicef stuff. If we do not get to do it then maybe I can do it when I am older....

There are more... to be continued.....

AAAAAHHHHHHH

The days keep passing and I never have time to post. I owe the midgets a 4 year old birthday post!! Yup, the dynamic duo is now 4 and they are soooo big. The other big news is that we are MOVING, making the title of this blog obsolete. Yessiree, we are going to have a 3 bedroom apartment in the hood with a BACKYARD. It is hard to believe. I will have to post more when I am not covered in dust and boxes. I just wanted to note that I have a 10 year old, an almost 8 year old and two 4 year olds!!

Today...

V as went to go see a potential apartment with a backyard: I have been dreaming about having a garden.

V in the cab on our way there: Credit cards are important!

A to me: You are not an actor anymore.

V getting up off the toilet: I forgot to swing my penis.

A- Do you know why I like to draw people? Because I love them. Even not my parents I like to draw them. Firstabble I like to draw A (her buddy)- she is really cute. Secondabble: Do you know why? Because she is little.


V: Can I have another turn at S's (his buddy) house?

Un poquito

A: For Halloween can I be a garbage can?

A to me: Papi is so yummy you want to eat his culito. You want to be jomantic (no typo) with him.

J: I looked up a normal family and it is two parents, divorced or together, and two kids or three and a pet.

? I burped and it tasted good.

Delicate Body Parts

A: You have a big belly. Did you eat?
Me: That is not very nice.
A: You have a beautiful face.

Me to J: Did you shower with soap (after swim)?
J: I only washed my hair a little and my butt but I did not put any soap on my nuts.

II

A on her friend: she does not have any privelets, she is just a kid.
M: Everyone has privates.
A: She does not. So be polite!
M: Yes she does.
A; You are just an ugly person.

M hugging J(!1) and beaming after his concert pieces last night: I am so proud!

M on she and J hitting each other: It is not fighting, it is called aggressive play.

V dancing up a storm: Can I go to rock star school when I am older?
Me: Sure.
V: Do they have it for three year olds?

J on his parents: I am like papi when he was little. He was like ten of me. He was wild and brave and had lots of experience. You (meaning me) were a normal kid who followed the rules. He was more on an adventure guy.

Happy New Year!

J on V: He has a like a one inch vocabulary.

V: We have a lot, calm down your horses.

A to me: Listen to my rules or you don't get any culito!

V: I'm not that naughty.

V: My name is a little boring, so can you choose a different one?
Me: Like what?
V: Any!

V trying to convince me to go to a movie with him (instead of F): But I have more love than papi.

A after eating pizza and cupcakes at a party: Can I have dinner?
Me: You already had dinner. Remember the food?
A: That was not food, that was junk!

V putting a headband on L (as part of their daily dress up and dance parties): You look like Lady Gaga!

J in the music room at school while we practiced piano and he eyed the drum set: My body is urging me to play those drums!

J singing the Katy Perry song "I kissed a girl": I kissed a boy!
Me: She says girl.
J: I know, but I am a boy so I am changing it!

M and J were very concerned and confused when I tried to explain racial tensions with the police, we had just seen a school group demonstrating...
J: I would fire all of the police and put up signs for honest and fair new police!
M: Yeah but you cannot have a day without police. You would have to put the signs up before you fire them.
J: No, there can be a day with no police and then they won't kill any people.

A few minutes later...
J: When is this going to end?
Me: What?
J: The problem with the police.
Me: I don't know. There are a lot of racial problems in this country.
J: I thought MLK solved it (pobrecito- he really did!)
Me: He did a lot but it was just the beginning.
M: People just want to go back to the past.
Me: ?
M: Like ISIS and police who kill black people, they are living in the past.

Last 2014 Banter (all V- he has his own channel)

V after seeing F on tv: Was he smiling at me?

V after I told J i loved him (to me): But you love me more right?

V: Everyone's bones are the same.

Me to V: Why do you come to my bed every night?
V: You have love and I have a lot of love and I want to get your love.

V: Is A's dancing romantic? Mine is so romantic. Will I be  good dancer when I am a grown up?


V: What do nightmares look like?

V: If everything was jelly you could eat your house.

V: Do you need a suitcase of money for a car to buy because it does not fit in your wallet?

V: Does a doctor get sick?

V: When I am a grown up will I need toys?

V Vermont Thoughts

You eyes are attached to your ears.

As he got naked: I want to put my body on Buster (the dog). (The he did)

Is Santa a good cooker?

When you grow up you do not get to cry.

Pointing to his John Lennon shirt: Is this Michael Jackson?
Me: No. It is John Lennon.
V: He died of a shot. But we still have his music.

V: Am I  genius?
Me: Maybe. What is a genius?
V: People who don't do what they are supposed to do.
Me: A genius is someone who has great ideas.
V: Oh. Everyone is a genius.


Can teachers teach teachers?


My head is gigantic?

Listening to car in the music: Why is he sad? Who left him?
A: His girlfriend.

Looking at nonna: Do you have a car?
N.M: Yes. An old car.
V: Your car is old because you are old. Your teeth are old too. Are your bones old?

Oggi (a anche qualche giorno fa)

V: If you eat a lot of beans and laugh, you fart.

V looking at my bandage over the hernia repair repair: That boy who fixed it was an idiot.
Me: Who the first surgeon?
V: Yeah.

A after I called her a midget: I am not a midget. A midget is a small growm up.

J: Let's buy a lobster and free it. Buy it to save it!

J: I think I am going to edopt (yes with an e) one child and try to have one.

V: Are brains sticky?

V: Is there gravity in space? Can you skateboard there?

V: Do buses get gas in a big gas driveway?

V: If you run a bull will it run you?

V: Can babies go in jail?

V: Do I stay big once I am a growm up?

V: Guns make you crazy!

V: Brains make you talk and cry and move.

V: When I grow up and have no hair like papi I am going to eat junk!

Me to J: Did you smell your gym clothes?
J: Too dangerous.

V after peeing in park: Penis water makes the plants grow!

Tidbits (more to come)

V in my bed, sleepy this am: Did you see my dream?

Me to J (yelling): There is water all over the floor. Why are you splashing like this?
J: Are you being sarcastic? I mean there is not water everywhere. You are exaggerating.

V: Can I have some wine?
Me: No.
V: Why?
Me: Wine is not for kids.
M: Wine is for people who have kids.

V: What makes your tongue taste?
Me: Taste buds.
V: Taste bugs?

V: Before we eat the lobster let's put on his pjs and then we'll put him to sleep and then we'll eat him after he goes to school.

V: Skiing is tricky.

Midget Musings

J: I know what's going on! I  am growing. I am taller today than I was yesterday.

V: I think we need a new mother.
Me: Who's that going to be?
A: K! (our neighbor)

V looking down into the toilet: Oh, that's a lot of poop. Great!

V on another occasion on the toilet: Pee smells so bad sometimes.

V: When we were little, we were twins, I was A's and she was mine.

M as we watched a cop leave Dunkin Donuts: I wouldn't do that out in the open, there are too many jokes about cops and donuts.

Praha! (oops- this should have posted 2 days ago)

So we did have to go the "first a little mongo" or a lot of it for that matter, but we are here. In a nice hotel that left us a chocolate cake to honor our anniversary. I just ate most of it. It was dark when we got here even though it was only 4pm (but 20 hours after we left). Let me backtrack to when we landed in Brussels (while F showers). We strong armed our way to get off first and an airport rep told us to go to Gate A43. We were in the B terminal and had seen on the map that it was right next door. It was about 9:30am and the last flight that would not fuck our day left at that same time. We ran like mofos thinking it might be delayed. A43 was our mantra and we covered no less than a mile on people movers, stairs and elevators. Well there was a flight that had just left for Stockholm and two Swedish unfriendly employees there who had not idea what we were talking about. We had to go all the way back to B (this included immigration and security again) where we meandered until we found the Indian airline desk (where we should have been directed to initially). Bad news was the next flight was at 1pm and on Lufthansa (puke) but the good news is that we went to the lounge (from F's glory days of traveling status) and ate and drank and listened to SERIAL (free podcast I recommend). We flew to Munich and learned some interesting facts. GIFTE means poison in German and I could not help feeling that they were going to do that to me. Free newspapers and coffee everywhere (how quaint) as well as lovely Camel huts for smokers with cool colorful camels and death warnings painted on them. Interesante. In Munich we lounged some more. They did not have the napboxes (a private sleeping room) that Brussels did but there was beer and pork stuff that we did not consume. More SERIAL and more of my persecution complex as I remembered that this airport was the finale site for the slaying of Israeli athletes in the 1978 Olympics. My racism aside, we enjoyed this airport tour as much as possible and finally made it to PRAHA. Yippee! We are off for an evening walk and dinner. Tomorrow is THE day to enjoy here as we leave at the crack o dawn on Saturday. To our adventure! Thank you F!

Prague! Finally! (Or Maybe Later)

So, here we are. Not in Prague. When F surprised me with this trip last month for our anniversary I was elated. We had been meaning to and actually tried to go to Prague since before the dawn of time (aka becoming parents). As the day of our departure approached and the several bags were packed (not ours but our kids' stuff to schlep to abuela's), it seemed that maybe nature would intervene again. While we reveled in tshirts and sun on Monday (68 degrees!) there was a storm (rain and snow) forecast for Wednesday. Wednesday morning came. I slipped on some threadbare leggings so as not to greet the Fresh Direct man in my underwear. I add this detail because it is Thursday morning, I am in Munich, and I am still wearing the leggings. I am a schlepper as my mother told me aghast that my "purse" is a "tote bag" and what is wrong with me. Nothing, but I did forget that I was in home attire when I slipped on my rain boots and headed off to school with luggage to attend our beloved food chain tradition. In the rain. Fast forward to Wednesday afternoon. L has brought the littles up to abuela's and I have secured the bigs and F and the bags and we are ready to go. Subway to NJ transit train to air train to Jet airways flight. That is 99% Indian passengers and 100% delayed. For no reason. Bullshit because lesser "ethnic" airlines have less pull in the line up. They said weather, then a malfunction. Then we realized that there was no way we would make our connection in Brussels (that is right, Belgium, not Germany, which I avoid and abhor and from where I sit). After futzing about for hours we thought of calling EXPEDIA to cancel or reroute it all. So much travel for just a day in Prague. Insane. F called 5 TIMES. As soon as he would lay out the problem the line would cut out and he would have to start over as the flight began to finally board. It was nerve wrecking and even though F bought insurance we were not sure that it would hold given that we had already checked in. So we got on the plane, just in case. We were near the bulkhead (yay!) but also near not one, but 4 one year olds. I shit you not that one of these babies made a distressed "eh eh" sound for 85 % of the trip. 10% she cried desperately and for 5-10 minutes she slept. Her parents seemed like idiots to me. They continued to dangle plastic forks and other random items in her face but never offered her water or milk or food or a chupete- her ears were most likely bothering her. I was tempted to take over the get the baby to calm down operation but decided to not offer unsolicited advice (which I detest) and I focused on not choking on the liters of perfume that the woman on my right wore. Suffice it to say it was a loud and smelly flight. When dinner came at 10:30pm, the stewardess was very upset that I did not want it. She was like a Jewish (but I guess Indian) grandma foisting food onto me and I just wanted some shut eye on F's shoulder. Wait. I need to go catch my third flight. To learn more about that, check back later. I just may be in Prague when I next write.

Batch o' Banter

When I was frustrated with J about piano practice: I am sorry, I am just a kid.

During a conversation at the pediatrician, she looked at me and asked: How old were you when you got your period?
M: I have not gotten it yet.

V likes to rub his ears, chin, or nose with F's as a goodbye. Yesterday morning: How about a tongue kiss?

When I asked V where my baby went, matter of fact while he played: I am done. I grew. I can walk now. I am not a baby.

I told V that we were going to Philly but that it was a surprise (mistake to think he could keep that). When he blurted out to MoJo that we were going I told him we were not. V: You tricked me?
When we got to Philly he asked me: You tricked me two times?

I love that they are all so little that even as we pulled up to tía C's house in Philly they still believed my cover story of where we were going. When V got out of the car he started tiptoeing, like a cartoon with this finger by his lips... up the wrong porch steps!

J declared that he was marrying both dogs in Philly: So I am half gay and half married now (one dog is female and one male). He also told me that he touched tongues with Buster but that it was okay because they were married (YUCK).

V looking at a picture of M as a toddler: Where was I? CaliFONia?

he says: BROKElyn, baseMANT, REmont and CaliFONia. I love these more than the original words- will never correct him!

More

J:  I just want a good family.
Me: That is nice.
J: I like you two but I do not like the way you act.

V in his pjs that say "Santa's helper": Can I be Santa's helper for real?

V to A playing in a box: You drive and I will sit in the mommy seat.
Me: What?
V: I mean the passenger seat. (boom!)

V after I gave him a bagel I had said was special: This is not a seriously magical bagel. You said special!

Crazy Quartet

When I explained to V that he would be going to the circus and that there would be "payasos" (clowns): You mean idiots?

M when she was inquiring about alcohol fetal syndrome (it was in a book she was reading). She asked if it was bad for the mom. I said, well you should not be getting drunk if you are pregnant to which she replied: If you are pregnant you might want to get drunk to forget things.
Me: Like what?
M: Like that you are pregnant!

A on a babysitter that was bringing J home: I like that guy, I am not going to hit him or slap him. I am nice. V is not!

J ran upstairs when he got home. Me: What are you doing?
J: I have errands to do.

Me to A (or V?): Your beauty is soft!
One of them (I think V): My beauty is when I take my pants off!

V to J: When you and M were babies, you were twins like us!
A to J: When are you guys (M and J) going to be babies?

V to me: Why do you love (tío) G and papi? They are not aunts.
Me: Why do you?
V: I don't!

Me to A: This dress is great!
A: This dress is ridiculous!

When talking about his party name, V: It is not Jack anymore. It is Jackmin.
Me: Jackmin.
V: Yeah. No, Jackmint!

A (I think): I am mean but I am also nice.

Me to M: Did you have a nice birthday?
M: Yes! Did you? I wanted everyone to have a good day on my birthday.
(we did).

10!!

It is hard to believe that you are a DECADE old today. Double digits baby. Though you will never know how much I love you until you become a mother yourself, you will have to trust me. You are so big but thankfully still little. May your new year be full of beautiful things. Enjoy it all. I will be right here watching you continue to be the wonderful M we all adore. TQMYTAPFCMC.

Jack, My Other Kid

Today at a gymnastics party I noticed one of the instructors calling V, "Jack." I thought it was a weird derivative of his name until I watched him go to the next station (bars) where he chipperly told another instructor his Jack moniker. When I asked him his name later he confirmed V. When I asked him what Jack was he nonchalantly quipped "my fake name."

M when we saw a bunch of runners coming toward us on the sidewalk: They missed the marathon.

J on the djembe drum he hopes to get: I am going to take it to Miami where all my dream house things are.
M: Like what?
J: My basketball. The beach. The cool music sticks abuelo R has.

When I asked V if he knew why I yelled at him for running into a ghettolicious liquor sore.
Me: It is a liquor store. For grown ups.
V: Licorice store? Where they sell beard!

A to F last week re the marathon: Did you win?

A to a jazz quartet when they called on her to share what instrument she played. Confidently: The recorder.

Thursday Words

V as he asked that I take his shoes off but leave his socks on (one of ocd's): Mamá, you know the  rules of me!

When I told V he was my best little boy, he said: And A is your best beauty!

V to F: My culito is mamá's but you can have my penis.
F: (awkward) OK
V: But my penis has poison in it!


Me to V: I would love it if you could stop talking for a minute.
V: I would love it if you weren't my mother.

M to me: Can we run in the marathon with papi?
Me: Yes, just a little.
M: I only want to do the NYC part.

M: I miss our insurance from when papi was at Delonghi?
Me: Why?
M: So we could go to that cool lounge at the airport.
Me: That has nothing to do with insurance!

Midget Words

When I threatened to take a puzzle away, V: I do not care.
I said: I like how J and A are trying to sleep and listening to me.
A few minutes later, V: You hurt my feelings when you said they are winners. I want to be a winner

Me to V: It is past bedtime.
V:It is past bedtime for real or for fake?

V to A: That is not a flauta, that is a ramonica.

J to V: Is this the worst day ever?
V: Not quite (new expression) because you still love me.

After V received an invitation to a birthday party: I have to talk to her parents. I never spoke to them about something.
Me: What?
V: Going to see their house.

Flattered

This was read in chapel ( I missed it) and is hanging in the hallway at my school as part of a "Who Do you Admire?" project by the third grade:

I admire Ms. Epstein, my Spanish teacher. She is a welcoming person who made me feel comfortable in my new school. Ms. Epstein is creative. She makes fun games which she uses to teach. In addition, Ms. Epstein is a good teacher, she uses the words of the month so we can learn monthly themed words. She is very helpful, she tells me how to say words in Spanish. In conclusion, she helped me learn more Spanish and that is why I admire her.

Every few years when I get something like this, it humbles me and makes me grateful for my job.

Weekend Words

V on tío G's cat, whom we borrowed (yes we have rodents!!): She looks like (tío) G!

V after I explained that they had to leave the cat alone for a while: She is not a petting cat. If she wants to come to you she does and then tells you secrets.

Commenting on the creation of life, V: We don't make lifes. We don't have hard hats or tools.

M: I think we need a therapy dog for our family.

V after I said "okay" to something: Was that a friendly or an unfriendly okay?

When V complained that the bathroom was stinky I said "es mi culpa" and he retorted: Poop is not a fault!

As we traipsed up to the third floor of our Philly Air B&B V commented on the weird smell. F said: All houses have smells. Ours does. V: I don't think so!

Más

V: Do you know that there is glue holding my bones together?
Me: No, there is not.
V: Then how do they stick together?

J on his twin friends that he wanted over for a playdate: They are not like us. They behave good. They respect a lot their parents.

M looking at the manicure our neighbor gave her: I thought she was being humble but she really is bad at doing nails.

V touching my legs: Your spiky hair is hurting me.

V: Why did they put coconuts in a tree?

V on an italian dish I cannot remember: Looks like chinese food.

Crackin' Me UP

V: Mamá- you forgot to send me to kindergarten!
Me: No, that has not happened yet.
V: Well. (with his signature snarkiness that comes with that word), I am not going!

V, yesterday am: I do not like the French food at BT.
Me: What?
V: I am tired of those ingredients. I want tofu.
(when i inquired at school about recent lunch- I was told it had been take out, aka french food due to the cook's absence).

V: I am a good singer! I want to go to singing school.
(I laugh).
V: That is not funny. It is a question! Can I go to singing school?

Last weekend we went out to the zoo with friends. V brought his little pack back, which I told him I would not carry. I did not. For the 4 hours we were out, he did not even ask me to. At one point he pulled out a thermos from his bag with cold water. When I asked him who had packed it, he non-chalantly told me he had. Later we went to a park with a huge slide. Big kids were sliding down on pieces of cardboard to accelerate the ride. I looked over to the slide and saw V throw his backpack from the top and then come barreling down on a piece of cardboard. Who the hell is this big, independent, and resourceful kid I wondered?

Tact is tough when you be three :)

V to abuela: Why are you here?
Abuela: I am your grandma.
V: No, you are not.
Abuela: I am your mother's mother.
V: My mother does not have a mother.

next day i made V call to apologize. After his singsongy b.s. "sorry", my mother asked: "Can we be friends now?" V replied: No!

Delinquent Religious Chatter & More

V: I know you are not a good mom.

J: Every mom is a good mom because G-d gave that kid that mom.
Me: Can we take a rest from the G-d stuff (fuck!!) Do you think kids whose moms do not give them food and hit them deserve those moms?
J: People make mistakes. G-d makes mistakes too.
Here comes our next evangelist. Fuck!


A to me: Don't interrupt me, I am working in the office.

A to me while I asked V to stop packing "beard" in lunch boxes: Stop annoying him!

V to me: I am warning you, I am going to pee and poop!

V when I asked for kisses: I have no more in my throat.

J to me: Mamá, I am pretending that you are Ms H (head of lower school) or Ms C (head of school) so I respect what you say.

V: BT is my school- it is a wonderful place!

RECENTLY....

When I came home from work on Friday, L had bought, at V's behest, flowers for me :) When I asked him why he got me flowers, he said: To make you happy!

V to L: You are a bad whirl (girl)
L: Why?
V: We can talk about it next morning (next morning= yesterday, tomorrow, anything but now)

V to A while they danced: Do you want me to twirl you (gets on tippy toes)?
When I asked if A could twirl him, he said: No, I am her boyfriend. I twirl her!

J: Can we please plant an apple tree in the park?
Me: I do not think we can just do that.
J: Well, that is why we need a backyard, so we can eat apples for free whenever we want.

M as she watched a woman nursing a rather large baby: When do women stop milking their children in New York City?

J when I told him it was not okay to treat me badly: Well, when I get really mad, I let my anger out on other people.

V: When it rains hard, there is brightening and thunder!

When I told A she already had dessert, an ice pop: That is a fake dessert!

A when I suggested that she wear her cowboy boots: Cowgirls are not awesome. And I am awesome. I need awesome shoes!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY M&T!!

We miss you. Fuck LA. Okay, that was rude. But we really do miss you. And I even allow dogs (which I still strongly dislike) in my humble abode. Two very hairy shedding dogs drop by and they would surely enjoy meeting Maple:) This year will be win win. Either California will be what you hope it is and you will live joyfully there- or it won't be and you can come back here. Yippee! Seriously though, we miss you much and wish you a happy happy Black Keys Concert. When are you going? XOXO

Midget Chatter

Overheard in the tub:
A: My kids are so bad, they do not listen.
V: My kids are good.

V: Do you want to do the ice bucket challenge?
A: No thank you.
V: Are you scared?

Later:

V: Mamá, why you like none of animals?

Sometimes Life Bites You in the Ass

and sometimes.... it is just your other half. I went to a fundraising meeting at BT today that included a story from the day about how A bit! her brother. I did not know it was in the butt... until I saw it. Pobrecito. He apparently cried like crazy (his feelings no doubt more injured than his culito) and A was stoic (but did not cry!) when she was reamed by the head of daycare. She refused to admit anything when I interviewed her at home. V tried to minimize the whole thing and defended her (told me it did not hurt, that she did not get in trouble etc). Ay ay ay. Better his butt than another kid's I suppose. I have never had a biter.

V The Performer

V in the bathtub holding a bucket: I am doing the bucket challenge!

Me to F: He did not finish his dinner.
V: Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to finish my dinner!

While watching tv and eating breakfast: My napkin fell. I do not have a napkin. I cannot live like this!

You are not a smart girl mamá- you are a good girl.

Lines

After I told V that we were out of fruit, A: Why is there no fruit in this house?

V: Why does papi never plant eggplant in the backyard?
Me: We do not have a backyard.
V then took me to the balcony door to show me that we did.

As we talked about possibly getting hurt climbing a jungle gym, V: My butt protects me!

After a serious talk with J about his (deteriorated) attitude and tone: I do not know how I was when I  was little. How can I change back?

J when we were talking about whether his uncles broke up with their girlfriends usually or vice versa, re tío D's latest: That was harsh (what he did to her).

M on a collage project that seemed to have to be about summer (everyone else wrote comments about their feelings on it): Life is a blessing and a curse.

V when I told him to take a time out: I am too old for a time out.
When F began to call him over to take the time out he ignored him and I inquired if he could hear his father calling him. V: I am not going over there, I know why he is calling me.

V when F asked him for a lick of his vanilla ice cream: No, it has peanut butter (it did not but V knows that F hates it). A few minutes later he was done eating and handed F the half eaten ice cream and gestured to the ice cream man: You can return this to the man now.

A as she peed in the woman's bathroom: Where is J? Me: In the boy bathroom. We are in the girl's. A: Where do women pee? Me: Here. A: What about little women? Me: Here. This is for girls and women and little women. A: Oh.

V to me when I asked him how I looked with water balloons in my shirt for augmented boobs: Like a beauty!

A, The Hall Monitor

A to me as I got dressed: I see your petetas. Can you put a brab on?

A to F: Go take a shower, you smell stinky.

V V V

V called me an idiot (he is doing a spectacular job of copying MoJo's sweetest terms) and I demanded an apology. V: I was talking to the wall. I do not have to say sorry to the wall.

Tío G came over for 2 minutes to leave camping gear and I left with him to throw away the garbage. When I came back up, V: Where is G? The basement? Me: Yes. I left him there. V: That is not nice, he will not come back to visit if you do that.


V, when I told him to eat the crudité while I served dinner: This is not food, this is tomatoes! I need pasta on my plate to eat!

V to F: I have never been to Kindergarten school.
F: I know, because you are too little.
V: Fine, then I will not go to cooking school either
F: Why?
V: Because it is too far away!


At 3:45 am in the tent camping: How many more days until Halloween?
Then at 4am: Mamá, you are the best!

Today's Comments

J asked a boy in the park for his phone number today and waited anxiously to call him. This is some of what I overheard (so cute!): Can I call you in the morning? So I should call you when I am done brushing my teeth and getting dressed?

Then: I can't meet you at the park tomorrow. I am going to the Statue of Liberty. Maybe you can come with me?

After V pooped in his pants in his wet bathing suit at the park (wtf?) he announced that he had to do it again. This of course, after we left the bathroom and 1000 wipes later: This is my last emergency.

J to a group of black kids in the park he was playing basketball with: This, is how you dunk!

V to me on our way back to the park: Why I don't have a cooking class mamá?

Recent Lines...

V said sucker today and I told him that was not a nice word. In typical V fashion, he tried to backpedal and said: I did not say 'sucker'- I said 'fucker.' I told him that was not nice either and succeeded to do so with a straight face. This only got him more heated: FUCK HER I said. FUCK HER. NOT SUCKER. FUCKER! By then, I was cracking up and this only made him louder and more agitated.

M and J are into saying "epic" for anything remotely cool (or not). A has adapted this term, except that she says "effic." Lots of effic things going on.

When A wanted a third dessert I said, you ate enough. You do not want to do this (I puffed my cheeks). V added: Fat. Fat and boring.

J: I would die for any kid younger than me. I mean I have had more life than them.

A trying to convince M to let her sleep on her bed: Are you a cool girl M?
M: Yeah
A: Well cool girls sleep with little girls right? I am coming to your bed.

Boy Banter

J: When I grow up I am going to have a job but on the weekends I am just going to help people who do not have a house or food.

V: Can we buy a different house? This one has no backyard for me to get out (V was obsessed with "backyard" of NC)

Babababanter

V as a woman exited the bathroom at Bettolona, where we had been waiting a few minutes: Did she poop? (Whiff)

V as he accused me of getting soap in his eyes: When papi comes home I am going to tell him to kill you.
Me: What? Do you know what that means?
V: Something bad.

Me to V as he sat by the edge of the pool: What are you doing?
V: There is a little fart waiting at the bottom to come out.

A, to a 12 year old or so boy at the pool: Do you want to be my friend?
Boy: What? Where is your friend?
A, insistent:No, do you want to be my friend?
Boy: Little kids are funny.

V in the car out of the blue: Now I know how to ice skate, I learned at BT.

V after 9 hours in the car heading to the Outerbanks: There is no North Carolina here.

Washington DC a la V: Washington To (2?) See
Washington Dc a la A: Washington See

J: V has man poops.

V: I follow constructions (instructions).

A: Zip it, lock it, put in your pocket.

A: Can we watch Neckfliss in this cab?

J: I love you so much, I would sacrifice myself for you.

V after 11.5 hours in the car as we crossed the bridge to Manhattan: I can't be here, I have to be in New York.

A: Are you seriously?

After I imitated his argumentative "well": I say "well", you do not say "well" mamá.

V to me (for no real reason): You cannot handle the truth!
Me: What? What truth?
V: I know the truth and you cannot know it.

V to F: I want you to break the window (of the car) so mamá can fly outside.

V: I do not know how to help people who are lost.

More Comments

M: Why don't we live in Miami? It is such a great destination!

M to J when he doubted that a girl liked him: If you were not my brother and you were my age, I would have a crush on you.

M: Life is overrated!

M about beating the crap out of J in the car: We were not hitting each other, it was aggressive play.

A as we listened to classical music on the radio: Is that J playing the piano?

M, when I told her my 6 month vegan phase was over: So, did you like get in shape?
Me: No.
M: So being a vegan was just having your mouth water and diarrhea?

J's friend to me: Is it true J is allergic to homework?

V to the ocean: Slow down water, I know you are excited.

V to me: I am totally starving. Trust me.

V: My belly says (makes squeaky voice): No more dinner, dessert please.

V Mania

When I said he could not eat something: What do you mean? You say no but food is for everyone. If you do not give me ice cream then you have to give me pretzels.

If I eat this chicken, then I need to stay in Miami for eva and eva and eva.

to tia S: I am going to put you in a hole and I am going to keep your doggie. I am also going to put your mom in there and throw a piano at you (can you tell we watch Looney Tunes?)

on the beach last night: Figaro! Figaro! Figaro!

I am not in trouble, trouble means you are in jail.

I dreamed about Santa and L.

to abuelo r: Your teeth are green. And grey.

Me: Do you like medialunas or sandwiches de miga or churros better?
V: Both, in my belly.

V to tia C: Do you know you are fat because you eat a lot?

V angry in the pool: This is not my stupid life!

V in the pool: I need to poop. Should I go in the bushes?

V playing on beach with sand: I am putting gay power in it!
Me: What?
V: Cinnamon!

I'm a Swimma!

Torino cracked the code yesterday and finally began to swim on his own! He began by scooping and kicking while vertical and soon overcame his fear and got horizontal. His look of sheer pride and joy after every increasingly extended swim stretch was priceless. Once he put his goggles on, he was ready to swim until he dropped. Every time he cam out to go again he announced "chapter 3" (or 4 or 6) or "on your march, get set, go!" If only I could gain such a cool skill and be so fulfilled in a day. After he got his sundae reward by the pool, A jumped in to try some independent swimming of her own.

¡Torino!

V as I hugged him: Can you stop now, my neck bones are hurting.

Some V Lingo:
Sixties Handles (16 handles- fro yo place)
Can I have sprinklers on it? (sprinkles)
Can I get in the sprinkles? (sprinklers in park)

Me: You are all red, are you hot?
V: No, it is from when we were in the park (2 hours before) and I was frustrated. I get red when I am frustrated.

Me to V this am when I turned the tv off at 7:15am: Let's read a book.
V: I am tried of listening to stories. Sorry. I am on a break, I am going to sit in this chair for my break.

¡¡¡VAMOS ARGENTINA!!!

Last night was AMAZING. As irrational and crazy as fútbol can be, it is equally one of the most beautiful feelings and triumphs to experience. I know that there are still many that do not care for the sport here (although I am impressed with how many more people are into this world cup than when we hosted it here in 1994) and that sadly our neighbors in Brazil are rooting for us to lose (spread the love yo- you have 5 cups!) but I do not care because right now.. my heart is full. The Empire State Building is even celebrating with me. The joy and madness that erupted in Harlem (by which I mean my living room) as Argentina made each penalty kick and Holland did not... was MAGIC. All four of my midgets looked at me like I had LOST my mind and then joined in the chanting and jumping on the couch. V is a big fan (I make him wear his shirt every game for good luck) as is J. The ladies are being converted too as they have had dozens of hours of the sport forced upon them in the last few weeks. When we won in 1978 I lived in Buenos Aires and have a vague recollection of the chanting and the horn honking. My mother says I participated and after screaming Argentina for a while asked her what it meant:) In 1986 I was in Vermont when we won but I remember that the whole camp watched and that I swelled with pride even though I was the only Argentine there. When my (north) american friends express joy and interest in a win for my little country- I love the whole experience even more and I feel (undeserved) pride in what we can accomplish in soccer. Argentina may be riddled with problems and poverty and injustices but we have PASSION and apparently a lot of talent (of the top three players who come to mind Brazil my friend, 2 are ours!). I love you MESSI even if they give you a hard time. There is no equivalent experience to an afternoon at Boca Juniors stadium - you cannot bottle that kind of emotion, cursing, and sheer glee. While I echo V's sentiment when he asked tía C "take me with you to Argentina" as we walked her to the subway to JFK last night during the game... I will be satisfied with a WIN while I sit in NY. If we can win our third cup, it will be 3 I can remember, 3 in my lifetime, and finally something WONDERFUL for a country that deserves it. ¡Vamos carajo!

¡Volveremos volvermos. Volveremos otra vez. Volveremos a ser campeones. Como en el 86!

Back Banter

A to her friend: Shush, let's sing Frozen..
she then proceeds to make a serious face and begins to sing not one, but two different songs from the movie she has never seen! Too much.

V to L when she said they could call an ambulance for his booboo: Your nose is going to grow like Pinochio for telling mentiras!
L: Ay qué lindo.
V: I am not lindo. I am a bad boy!

V to A in hotel as she wailed: I cannot snuggle if you are screaming.

V: What kind of bones are in your penis?

M when I remarked that it was odd that nobody had commented on my purple highlights: I think they were trying to be polite.

V as we got off the elevator: Good job mamá, you did not leave me on there (I have before :()

J to abuela when she told him what (not) to do: You are not my husband!

Me to V at restaurant: I am nervous they are going to yell at you for standing on the seat.
V to Me: I am nervous they are not going to yell at me.

V to Me and F: Why you call each other "puch"?
Me: Why do I call you bubalón?
V: Because I love you!

A: I want to go to Philadelphia (aka tía C's)
Me: We are in Philly.
A: Not the hotel. Philadelphia.

V: Do you know how to drive?
Me: Yes.
V; Do you know how to park?
Me: Not really.
V: You can try. You can learn.

V: Do not stink my bathroom! Only kids can use it.

V in car to PA: Are we going to Remont?

Papá

So I failed to write a birthday post. Apologies. Happy (belated) birthday! To the best dad I have ever had. Seriously, to the one

who always comes to visit, even if it means getting up at 4am
who will sleep anywhere (anytime)
will appreciate and applaud all of his children's accomplishments
will schlep you or your stuff anywhere without complaining
asks for help with electronics 1000 times per day
eats anything with jam and leaves that sticky knife on your counter
enjoys you and your children just as you are
tqtytamfcmc

AleVit Sass

F to A after she hits V: please do not hit. it hurts! It also hurts his feelings.

A: Boys don't have feelings.

Me to A after she hit V: You are hurting his feelings.
A: His earrings? Or his feelings?

V (dressed as Batman): I am Batman!

A: Batman, shut your mouth.

When I told V to relax his butt so I could wipe him: That is what butts do- they stay closed.

V, when I told him he was not going to ride his scooter on the subway platform: I am, and if you do not let me I am going to get on the train and leave you here.

V asked his teacher what a sign said. She responded: No smoking in the park.
V: But I always smoke in the park. My mom and dad always let me smoke in the park.

V after he told me he was a dog: You can pet the dog.
Me: Ok
V: But you need to ask.
I ask A: Can I pet your dog?
A: I rather you not.

Recently

A to me when I am getting frustrated: Do you love me?
Me: Yes.
A: If you love me you should be happy. Are you happy?

Me to A: Soon it is (baby) M's birthday! She is turning one.
A: Do you mean two?

V to baby M in the car (over and over again): My feet are big your feet are little.

V to me when I go out at night: When you leave, stay!

V to me: If you do not listen, booboos will hurt.

V to anyone when he wants more time for something: Let me see your watch. two more minutes.

Back Banter

Me to M this am: Get up- last day of school!
M: No, I have 13 more years!

Abuela to V: Can I give you a kiss?
V: No.
Abuela: Can I give A a kiss?
V: No. You are not in this family and this is not your house.
A: This is not your house but you are in the family.

V to A: You are fivving (fibbing).
A: Kids do not say fivving. Only grown ups.

V when he wants more (unreasonably) of something: My stomach is growling for it mamá.

M after I drove us to camping: Mamá, if I closed my eyes I would have thought papi was driving except for the part when you almost crashed.

First Grade Writers Breakfast- He's a Great ONE!

Today!

We are off to camp! It might be great and it might be terrible, but I am sure it will be memorable. You should see the volume of gear that we have for our under 24 hour trip. We have a brand new 6 person tent. Sleeping bags, rain gear, half our kitchen (F's favorite part is cooking out). I really hope it does not rain.
Now for an update on our lives....Recent happenings include A getting the worst haircut ever (think feathered, layered, mullet from late 70s/early 80s), J getting his yellow belt in karate (hiya!) and playing a great concert Thursday night.
AleVit pumped for camping. Someone mentioned bears and they are slightly petrified at the prospect ("papi has a button to scare the bears right?).
No news on the home front. Cannot find one we like and no takers for ours. The search continues.
Last week I completed the Aids Walk with DB and it was great! My first one was 25 years earlier!! and I raised over $1300 (I calculate at least 25K over my walking career).
Have a great long weekend. Over and out!

Get It While It's Hot!

M to me last night after I told her how lovely her behavior was: I am going to persuade J and A and V to behave as well so even though it seems impossible to believe, you could have some time to yourself.

M: I think females gain weight more easily than males. We have to make an effort to not be chubby (wish this were not true!)

V: I miss mayor Giorgio (i think he meant nonno)

V looking at a woman with lipstick: She has nail polish on her mouth!

V to J in the shower (their new brotherly activity): My penis is bigger than yours. And bigger than papi's.

V to F: I have good news and bad news.
F: What is the bad news.
V: It is the good news.
F: Yes?
V: My penis is bigger than yours.

V to me as I kissed his tush: You know there is poop in there!

J to F: Can you cut my eyelashes? They are too long.

J when asked which was his favorite stuffed animal: Pinguino. But I use the bear to dry my tears :(

V leaving Mannes: This is my favorite place!

V on subway platform: I want to go uptown!
Me: We are going downtown:
V: I love uptown! It is the best.

A to me: You have dark brown skin and I have dark brown skin.
Me: What about papi?
A: Light.
Me: J?
A: Light.
Me: M?
A: Light.
Me: V?
A: Light?
V: So just the two of us have dark skin?
A: No, also R (a black/Indian classmate).

Late But Sweet

This is what I got on Mother's Day from J:
Dear mama,
I love you because you made me! You are speashle because you are the best at being a Mom. Happy Mothers Day, Love (the v is a heart), J

Back Banter

J: I do not even know what the F word means.
Me: Do not worry about it.
J: I do not know what any of the words mean; like nerd, and freak

V, remembering tío G's fabulous fart trick: I am going to pull G's finger!

J to me: I am going to take a shower so fast that before you can say "dictionary" I will be done.

M to J who was taunting V with a toy: You are ruining his childhood!

J: I want to be a superhero. You know, like really talented. Like Godzilla.
Me: Is this for Halloween or real life?
J: (pause). Halloween. For real life I want to be in a rock band and a scientist.

A as we rushed home to the bathroom: If you press my belly too hard I will poop in the street.

V to A: I will buy you a scooter.
A: All by yourself?

M: I hope my kids are not as rude as I am. They will get it from me. That is not fair to you.

M: I just figured out that I am not a morning person.

M: I am tomboy.
Me: Really? But you love make up.
M: Tomboys need to be attractive too. Just not girlie.

V (or A?) to me: If you do not listen to your boo boo, it will hurt.

Me to J after karate test: Why were you nervous?
J: I could lose the test. I had a 50/50 chance.

HAPPY 4-0 Tía D!!!

Thank you for a fun night and for 34 years of unconditional friendship. I cannot wait to share this next decade with you. I love you very very much!

Chatter

M to A: Stop trying to be cool.
A: I am not trying to be cool. I am trying to be awesome!

M when she saw me dressed up last night (hair down, black dress, some lipstick): You look beautiful mamá.
V: You look like a witch!

J: I am having a sleepover with (tío) G on June 27! I am going to put it in my calendar. But what if I get confused the year after?
Me: Well, the days of the week fall on different days on different years.
J: June 27. I am going to ask him to make it a tradition!

A, to me, several times a day since I had surgery: Remember mamá- ZERO uppies.

Tidbits

A: Every princess needs high heels.

A's special terms:
ballallay (ballet)
dentist in your mouth (retainer)
alligator (elevator)
sushi (smoothie)
dekilat (delicate)
blond (wand)

J, after F told him that he did not think they needed to kiss on the lips ("boys do not kiss on the lips"): Yes they do. Sons and fathers do and so do gay husbands.

Comments

M to me: Thank you for being generous. I should be in bed now. If you were the horrible mother that I describe you as, I would be in bed.

A while dancing: I have lots of moves!

V, every time he sense me getting irritated/flustered: Mamá, are you happy? Más o menos happy? Do you love me?


M after meeting some adopted African children: Mamá, I am not saying you did a bad thing, but how come we have not adopted any children? I would love a brother or sister from Africa. I would love him extra.

J: Do you start practicing cutting kid nails when you are pregnant? How do you learn to do it?

Funny Guys

Me to J when I saw him after 9 days!: I missed you so much!
J: I almost forgot about you.

Me to A: You are going to have a time out.
A: A time out? (laughing uncontrollably) Holy guacamole!

V to our new found friend/cousin when he broke out in Spanish: Amiga, siéntate aquí. Ya está.

V upon returning to the nursing home where he had freaked out the day before: Is she still viejita?
Me: Yes
V, screaming desperately: No! Not viejita!

J: Why is it "J walking?" It should be C walking for criminal walking!

A after a 10 hour flight: Are we at A (her bff)'s house?

A on the flight back: A is best for me!

A after wetting her underwear: I peed. Don't be feerious mamá.

V when he noticed that I was walking on the outside to protect him: Are you protectoring me?

A to me in a taxi in Bs As: Princesses sit in prince trucks, not in cabs.

A when she saw that cabs were yellow on top but mostly black in Bs As: Why are the taxis all dirty?

A on mosque domes: They look like the circus.

March 31

And it was snowing/raining this morning. Spring, where are you? I have been remiss about posting and there is not way to synthesize the last two weeks now but...
we are back in NYC after our multi-destination escapade. MoJo had a blast and did not think twice about not seeing us for a 9 days (ouch). AleVit got to be "only children" and to feast in Argentina (yes, veganism was abandoned) while yours truly ate everything in site. As usual, seeing family and friends sucked all the time away so that I did not stroll a single street, go to a museum, buy anything or have any true down time. There is something truly special, sad, and nostalgic about going to Argentina. I belong there and I do not. I am sad that I will never live there, yet I could not. I have close friends and my whole extended (ironically small given the size of our nuclear one) family there. We had a lovely host family and it was great to have my boyfriend come down to meet us. He sure is good with the kids. I fell in love with my cousin's daughter, the most enthusiastic child, and therefore person, that I have ever met. I grappled with death and the loss of dignity that comes to all as the end approaches. I reveled in my fatty bombatty chatting in español with his funny accent and expressions. The last leg of the trip was to Miami, where we encountered the duo formerly known as MoJo. This new one, is tan, cool, has friends in the neighborhood, and sails! Food and family were fabulous as always in FLA- thank you for hosting the big monkeys and then all of us!! My only regret is being such a clutz that I re-broke my pinky toe (and fucked up part of my foot) so that I am now walking around in pain, like a gimp. Back to school was decent enough today. We have just over 2 months left, so it is time to kick it into high gear. Thank you spring break. Where are you spring?

Separation

From when you give birth, you literally begin the process known as separation. When babies begin to realize that they are a separate entity that can be separated from you, their mother, they can get separation anxiety. My children, for better or worse, are not that attached to me. Or so I thought. Their father travels regularly. I am the constant presence. When I have had to leave them for a night (surgery or to deliver a sibling) I have fretted. When we went to Paris for a long weekend without MoJo, I counted down the hours until our return (they did not give a crap). Well, it appears that I may have underestimated J's sensitivity. The night before leaving for Disney, J crawled into my bed crying. I thought it was morning (it was actually 4:40am) and entertained his chat. J said he was too scared to go to Disney and preferred to not go and stay with me. I assured him that it would be a blast, that I would send him with daily notes, that he was going to be with his grandparents... when morning did come, neither one of us mentioned the episode. He went off happy, with his stash of notes (and pictures of his parents, upon his request). While I am certain that he will be fine, 9 days is a long time. Especially when the longest you have ever done is 2. Now I see that it is not just long and hard for me, but maybe also a bit for him. I cannot wait to hug that midget in Miami in 8 days!

LInes

A wearing adult red shiny heels (M's from Halloween): When I was born, I was wearing these heels.

A as she continued to be naughty in a time out after I told her she was not even sorry: You are right, I am not sorry.

A: This is my brother and his name is...w(to V) what's your name?
V: Attach!
A: My name is attach too. We both are attach.
Me: Do you know what attach means? Together, connected. Like twins.
A: Of course we are not twins.

J: Moms are importanter than dads in the family.
Me: Why?
J: They have the babies.

V ordered french toast at lunch yesterday. When pizzas started to come, he said he wanted pizza.
Me: You ordered french toast.
V: I was joking!

A; How do you say "mustache" in spanish?

A pointing to a woman at the bus stop: Maybe that woman is a bruja!

M, after I explained, upon her request, social security numbers: Why do I need a number? We are basically like robots!

V: Why did they make the sky blue? It was white!

J I need to pack money for the trip!
Me: No you don't. Abuela S will pay for everything.
J: What about room service?

V oh V

Me to V: Did you hit A?
V: I did not! I slapped her.

Me to V as he spread out the hummus he was supposed to be wiping up: You are not cleaning. You are making a bigger mess!
V: I do not know how to clean :(

V to M as he gobbled up sushi M wanted: This is not good for you M.

V to L: I am getting big. I am strong. I am going to be a grown up!

Charla

V putting one of J's hats on Cleo (aka Chloe), the dog: He's a rock star!

J to me, holding baby M: Are you her grandmother?
Me: Do you think I am old enough to be her grandmother?
J: Yeah.

J: War is like dodgeball but with guns but when you are out, you are in heaven.

J when I asked him why he had ashes on his forehead on Ash Wednesday: I wanted a blessing.

Me: What is a blessing?
J: From G-d. (shit!)

M: Why do so many buildings have security guards?
Me: They are doormen. Nice buildings have them but not all buildings.
M: So papi is our security guard?

M on her Argentine friend: We are like each other's guides. I help her with English and she helps me with Spanish.

J was dying to talk to the two realtors who came over to assess our apt, one had a motorcycle helmet. J to the other guy: Do you ride on the back of his bike?
Guy: No, I ride the subway.
J: So do you guys live together?
A little later... Do you guys want to play minion Monopoly with me when you are done talking to my mom?

31 Days Vegan for What?

Not sure. Do I look and feel a lot better? Not really. Has it been very hard to cut out cheese and butter and eggs etc? I must say that it has been surprisingly easy. While I am certain that nothing bad is going to happen to me for cutting dairy and fish out... nothing great has happened either. I am more impressed with my ability to live without wine (had it once to survive a BORING dinner) and chocolate (yup, you heard it here). So, I am proud of myself for being able to do anything for 30 days (not floss, not avoid yelling, not daily sit ups... nada), this has turned out to be a not particularly successful endeavor. I am going to try to add more physical activity to my mix to see if anything changes. Ideas?

Duo Banter

A: What's going on?
V: I am not telling you!
A: I am talking to myself.

Me: V, why did you pee on the floor?
V: I did not, my penis lifted up with the pee and did it.

Me: ¿Sabés dónde está pinguino?
A: Of course! (She did not)

A: I am a big girl and you are a little boy.
V: No, I am not. I am big.
A: No, I am the queen. You are little.

My mother to V (her favorite game): I am putting you in jail!
V: Grandmas do not put people in jail!

V: Why is the sky so high?

V to F: The day I become A, I will like chocolate!

V when he gave me a paper he scribbled on: This is mami with papi on top of her.